We Wish You A Very Hairy Christmas!

You've Got To Work It Hard To Be A Solo Man

This new Solo ad is an admission that...


this,


this,


this,


and especially this,


is nowhere near as manly as this.

Why Has My Rat Become So Popular?

Please tell me why in the past couple days I've got over 300 people visit The Nightwatchman to have a look at this picture.

The popular little bugger was originally featured here.

The Troubled World Of Skatemoss

I want a fox for christmas,


A batsuit,


A trip to the moon,


And a bat I can call my own.

These strange shots come from photo-blogger, Skatemoss who I stumbled across while reading The New Shelton/Wet Dry blog which I stumbled across while reading Copyranter.

Keh?

So when should I try again?

Lesser brains will explode if this Facebook error message stays like this.

Before You Get Too Excited About The Election Result, Stop Everything And Listen To This

Listen to this Sydney PEN lecture by brilliant Melbourne writer, Christos Tsiolkas about tolerance which was aired on Radio National's Book Show last week.

You know him. He wrote Loaded, the book which was made into the infamous but way awesome Alex Dimitriades movie, Head On.

What a lecture.

Spicy.

Biting.

Aggressive.

And an exact explanation why I can't stand either of the political parties and why I'm so disappointed with the left.

Spot on.

Wow etc.

By the way, Tsiolkas' 2005 novel, Dead Europe is a ball tearer, one of the most confronting yet beautifully written things I've read in years.

If I Was Interviewed By The Age's A2

On the spot
GLENN PETERS, Diamante Smuggler

When was the last time you lied?
Just then.

When was the last time you used the word hate?
In a scrabble game. Had to do it because the triple letter score was open and I was sure my opponent had an X.

What is your most treasured possession?
My original Ardent pressings of Big Star's first two records and my Jack Kerouac first editions.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Morgan Freeman, Tom Waits or Rebecca DeMornay

What do you owe your parents?
$600.

What keeps you awake at night?
Everything.

How would you like to be remembered?
With a national holiday, thanks.

What makes you angry?
Everything.

What would you like to be your last words on earth?
The arsehole who stabbed me... His name is...

Which living person do you most admire?
Peter Daicos.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself and others?
Mediocrity.

What does love feel like?
Closing your eyes as Anthony Rocca lines up for a set shot at goal from only 30 metres.

What's your greatest extravagance?
My guitar. Worth more than my car.

Define beauty.
A blade of grass.

When were you happiest?
October 6, 1990.

What super power would you like?
Invisibility.

Favourite smell?
Wet road on a hot day as the storm is about to come.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
NA.

Glenn Peters will be presenting this year's Boyer Lectures. He is not sure what he's going to speak about yet but promises it will be "a doozy".

The Story Of The Entire Campaign Told By The Giants Of Oz Rock/Pop!

Men and women of Australia, behold some of the lamest election analysis ever attempted.


Straight Old Line by Split Enz


Changing Moods by Kids In The Kitchen


Listening by Pseudo Echo


Maxine by Sharon O'Neill


Kevin by The Eurogliders

Immortal Versus The Scissor Sisters

Dunno what's funnier. The Call of The Wintermoon video by Norway's black metal kings, Immortal....


Or a compilation of all their hits with a Scissor Sisters overdub.

Either way, I feel like dancing!

David Byrne Knew The Future

In the Future [Knee Play 12]
From David Byrne's 1985 non-Talking Heads series, Music For The Knee Plays.

In the future everyone will have the same haircut and the same clothes.
In the future everyone will be very fat from the stachy diet.
In the future everyone will be very thin from not having enough to eat.
In the future it will be next to impossible to tell girls from boys, even in bed.
In the future men will be 'super masculine' and women will be 'ultra-feminine'.
In the future half of us will be 'mentally ill'.
In the future there will be no religion or spirtualism of any sort.
In the future the 'psychic arts' will be put to practical use.
In the future we will not think that 'nature' is beautiful.
In the future the weather will always be the same.
In the future no one will fight with anyone else.
In the future there will be an atomic war.
In the future water will be expensive.
In the future all material items will be free.
In the future everyone's house will be like a little fortress.
In the future everyone's house will be a total entertainment centre.

In the future everyone but the wealthy will be very happy.
In the future everyone but the wealthy will be very filthy.
In the future everyone but the wealthy will be very heathly.
In the future TV will be so good that the printed word will function as an artform only.
In the future people with boring jobs will take pills to relieve the boredom.
In the future that no one will live in cities.
In the future there will be mini-wars going on everywhere.
In the future everyone will think about love all the time.

In the future political and other decisions will be based completely on opinion polls.
In the future there will be machines which will produce a religious experience in the user.
In the future there will be groups of wild people, living in the wilderness.
In the future there will only be paper money which will be personalised.
In the future there will be a classless society.

In the future everyone will only get to go home once a year.
In the future everyone will stay home all the time.
In the future we will not have time for leisure activities.
In the future we will only 'work' one day a week.
In the future our bodies will be shrivelled up but our brains will be bigger.
In the future there will be starving people everywhere.
In the future people will live in space.
In the future no one will be able to afford TV.
In the future the helpless will be killed.
In the future everyone will have their own style of way-out clothes
In the future we will make love to anything, anytime, anywhere
In the future there will be so much going on that no one will be able to keep track of it.

Uncanny.

Sufjan Stevens To Play Forum

And these feinting goats are excited.

Tickets on sale next Friday.

Vale Robert Goulet: Messing With Our Stuff To The Very End

Who do we blame now for messing with our stuff?

Ian "Turps" Turpey?

Also does it mean they're still going to make Goulet SnoozeBars now the great man is gone? I'm down to my last case.

Make sure you visit "the comfy velvet home" of Goulet SnoozeBars where you run your mouse pointer over his face and he says something hilarious.

My favorite:

"Hickory Dickory Dock. Eat my bar and pass out."

And the "product demo" is the FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN ON THE NET THIS YEAR.

I'm crying.

With laughter.

Hey Booster!

Last Friday night into Saturday morning, I spent almost five hours at the Melbourne Festival's version of John Cage's Musicircus, watching a lot of music, posturing and dance.

A LOT OF DANCE.

As a rule, I CAN'T STAND dance. I'd rather eat my own earwax than go to the ballet and as far as those dancing TV shows go... well get fucked. But I got chatting to a nice dancer who didn't seem like a fruit loop that night, so I thought it was only fair to give the artform, dance one more chance.

AND I ENJOYED IT.

Most the performances on the night were of the disturbingly writhing on the floor variety. You've seen what I'm talking about before probably late on a Sunday night on the ABC. Tights, muscles and dry rooting, much like the carpark after The Geelong Cup but substitute God Is A Slob Like One Of Us with Music For Airports.

But nothing at Musicircus came close to tap's Waughs, The Nicholas Brothers, THE COOLEST SIBLINGS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.



Introduced with smooth gusto (if there was such a thing), by Cab Calloway, here's The Nicholas Brothers' RIDICULOUSLY GOBSMACKING Jumpin' Jive routine from the 1943 film, Stormy Weather.

Fred Astaire had the same reaction as I did years ago when I first saw it saying it was "the best dance number ever filmed."

I wonder what ol' Fred would have thought of the dance I saw at 2am involving the um... no, I won't go into it.

Kinky Friedman Says It Best

Seeing that the Herald Sun dedicated their first six pages yesterday to Crazy John's death I think it's only fair to talk about my mate, Polly some more.

Day three of my tribute to the best cat ever is a reprint of the epilogue to Kinky Friedman's Elvis, Jesus and Coca Cola, where he, in real life, not his character, mourns the passing of his best mate, Cuddles.

Epilogue

On January 4, 1993, the cat in this book and the books that preceded it was put to sleep in Kerrville, Texas, by Dr. W.H. Hoegemeyer and myself. Cuddles was fourteen years old, a respectable age. She was as close to me as any human being I have ever known.

Cuddles and I spent many years together, both in New York, where I first found her as a little kitten on the street in Chinatown, and later on the ranch in Texas. She was always with me, on the table, on the bed, by the fireplace, beside the typewriter, on top of my suitcase when I returned from a trip.

I dug Cuddles' grave with a silver spade, in the little garden by the stream behind the old green trailer where both of us lived in the summertime. Her burial shroud was my old New York sweatshirt and in the grave with her is a can of tuna and a cigar.

A few days ago I received a sympathy note from Bill Hoegemeyer, the veterinarian. It opened with a verse by Irving Townshend: "We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle..."

Now, as I write this, on a gray winter day by the fireside, I can almost feel her light tread, moving from my head and my heart down through my fingertips to the keys of the typewriter. People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

They say when you die and go to heaven all the dogs and cats you've ever had in your life come running to meet you.

Until that day, rest in peace, Cuddles

KINKY FRIEDMAN
FEBRUARY 5, 1993
MEDINA, TEXAS

Pussy Profile: WPC Polly Page

Mandatory Picture of Polly Holding a Stick, originally uploaded by glennpeters.

PUSSY PROFILE

Full Name: WPC Polly Page (WPC stands for Woman Pussy Cat)
Lives: Surrey Hills, Melbourne
Occupation: Cat
Hobbies: Birds, sleeping, sticks, ping-pong balls, bags (all types) and slot cars.
Favorite Food: Chicken necks, sweet potato and anything still living
Favorite Movie: Singing in the Rain
Favorite Record: The Storytelling soundtrack by Belle & Sebastian
Favorite Colour: Pink
Who Would You Invite For The Perfect Dinner Party? David Bellamy, Barry (ex next-door neighbour), Donovan, June Ackland, Jim Carver and anyone else who loves bags.
In 5 Years You Will Be: Waking Glenn and Genevieve up.
Catch Phrase: Weeoo
Motto: Have a good time, all of the time.

Originally published in March 2005.

Goodbye Polly. The Best Cat Ever. 2001 - 2007.

Polly was hit by a car and died this morning.

We buried her under the dry dirt and weed nest she would lie in on a warm summer's afternoon.

Goodbye Polly.

Top 25 Songs Played On My Ipod 2007

1. Train Song - Tom Waits
2. Sunswept Melody - Duke Ellington
3. Foolish Love - Rufus Wainwright
4. I'll Come Running - Brian Eno
5. None But The Rain - Townes Van Zandt
6. Colorado Girl - Townes Van Zandt
7. The Big Ship - Brian Eno
8. Lullaby For Christie - The Dirty Three
9. Cold Cold Ground - Tom Waits
10. Introduction - Nick Drake
11. There's A Rugged Road - Judee Sill
12. Jesus Was A Crossmaker - Judee Sill
13. Natasha - Rufus Wainwright
14. Northern Sky - Nick Drake
15. More Than Rain - Tom Waits
16. To Live's To Fly - Townes Van Zandt
17. Jumping At The Woodside - Duke Ellington & Count Basie
18. Badi Da - Fred Neil
19. Hazey Jane II - Nick Drake
20. Please Wake Me Up - Tom Waits
21. No Lonesome Tune - Townes Van Zandt
22. For The Sake Of The Song - Townes Van Zandt
23. Three variations On The Canon In D Major - Brian Eno
24. I Am The Cosmos - Nick Drake Chris Bell
25. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes - Kurt Elling

From a possible 9098 songs, this miserable list isn't too different to last year's Top 20.

I've had to compile the list a couple months early because I'm changing my Ipod over to a new computer.

The Chaser's Eulogy Song

Here it is if you didn't catch it on all the outraged commercial media yesterday.

Real satire: spiky, smart, piss funny and dangerous.

What's Hot: Myf. What's Not: Tunny.

It sure make makes me and the rest of the village irregulars stupidly proud hearing about our mate, Myf's new gig at Triple M. More exciting, she's moving back home to Melbourne.

But really, it's getting real strange reading articles like Can the Myf factor work on the dark side? in yesterday's Sunday Age.

It was indeed a perplexing article, starting with a quote from um.... Michael Tunn. TUNNY! Remember Tunny? He was I don't know the youngest kid to have a syndicated national radio gig back in what, 1990 or something. Then got the flick, got fat and moved to Adelaide. I could be wrong. Don't care.

I do remember Tunny copping a lot of flack way back then when he was almost a household name. Now he spends his time giving it out in his one man quest against Triple J and anything else on the FM dial he isn't peddling.

Bitter Tunny's still in touch with the yoof cos he's been learning from the Idol judges how to dish out a backhanded compliment, telling The Age:

"As an ex-Austereo programmer, I'm finding this decision a little hard to understand," says Michael Tunn, who also spent 10 years at Triple J. He's a huge fan of Warhurst (indeed, it's impossible to find anyone who isn't) but he is not a fan of the commercial network.

Decipher this awful little backhander from the Tunn:

"You're walking into an organisation of massive egos where the programmers turn strategy meetings into large pissing contests," Tunn says. "And they follow a pseudo-science driven by those meetings, research and focus groups like the Bible. If the focus group says 'I don't like Myf's laugh', the program director will say — as nicely as possible — 'Could you stop laughing Myf?'. At Triple J she was more or less free to be Myf. Commercial radio will expect Myf to 'fill a role'."

Yep, back in the 90's Tunny was a radio darling. Now he just comes across as a bitter old cunt.

Tunny also takes our Myf for a fool.

"There is a margin in the ratings where Austereo will have patience, but if Myf thinks they'll be comfortable under 5 per cent she's in for a rude shock."

I'll leave my reaction to Nan Taylor.

WHAT A FUCKING LIBERTY!

MICHAEL FUCKING TUNN DOT COM DOT AU?

WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!

Top work and good luck, Myf. We'll have the celebratory psychedelic vindaloo at Gaylords. Table for six, booked under the name of Brian Peacock. Can't wait.

The Nightwatchman's Fabulous Movie Quiz

Reckon you know whose nose this is?

See if you're right by taking The Nightwatchman's Fabulous Movie Quiz!

If This Music Video Was A T-Shirt I'd Wear It For The Whole Weekend

They Made Frogs Smoke 'til They Exploded by Iceland blip'n'blop'n'pop band Múm. The video is gorgeously directed and animated by Ingibjörg Birgisdóttir who also designs their record covers.

Bearforce 1: The Greatest Boy Band Yet?

Meet Yuri, Robert, Peter, Ian and Eddi of pop music's new sensation, Bearforce 1.

From their Myspace page:

"Bearforce 1 is the world’s, or at least Europe’s, first true ‘bear band’. They met each other while on holiday in New York in the summer of 2006. It’s there they discovered they had something in common: a passion for singing and performing. And they thought it would be fantastic to have a boy band that didn’t consist of smooth, polished 18 year-old boys with ‘X- factor’ written all over them, but just 4 guys…with hair, who just want to make a fun night of it."

I hope there's truth behind the rumours they may represent Holland in next year's Eurovision Song Contest.

But I seriously doubt the rumours that Bearforce 1 are homosexuals.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

My close friends complain I have too many 'favorite ever' things. They may be right but here's a few of them.

The baked beans scene from Blazing Saddles. Nothing's funnier.


In the words of Butthead from Beavis and Butthead, I've seen frogs come and go but this has to be the coolest frog ever.


C'etait un Rendezvous. Filmed early morning in Paris in the 60's, and at a little over nine minutes, this could be the greatest car film ever made.


Reeves & Mortimer do Mulligan and O'Hare. The first time I ever saw this I laughed so much, I almost shat. You won't.


Psycho Killer by Talking Heads from their movie, Stop Making Sense. David Byrne was the coolest man on the planet when they filmed this. He may still be.


I think about these beautiful opening credits to The Third Man at least once a week and have been since I saw the film at The Lumiere about fifteen years ago. Yes, it could be my favorite ever film.


Tom Waits' Innocent When You Dream. Easily my favorite song.

My Grand Final Joke

I was in the bank today and there were footy streamers and flags all over the place.

While cashing a cheque I ask the teller, "So, what are you doing for the Granny?"

Teller replies, "Dunno. If she doesn't leave soon, we're calling in Social Services."

Reasons To Be Cheerful

Carpark on Elizabeth Street, city.

Outside Harley shop, Elizabeth Street, city.

Alley, Northcote.

St Vincents Hospital, city.

Clash Of The Titans: Hits And Memories

Like a football final, tonight's Clash of the Titans is most special in its anticipation. And like everyone else at the show tonight, I have history with this super line-up of The Stems, Radio Birdman and Hoodoo Gurus.

The Stems
They were one of the great pointy toed shoe power pop bands of the 80's. Not as popular as The Church but cool as fuck. Wear a Stems t-shirt and a tiny bit of that coolness would be yours.

I went out with a girl drummer for a little while. She was a bit of a freak but hell, she liked me and I liked her and whatever, she was a girl drummer for crissakes! Her family house bedroom was a single bed, big arse drumkit and a heap of Cure posters.

Thrilled to be showing off the kit she gets on and drums a short solo.

"What's this?"

Dah dee de doh doh. De doh doh. De doh doh. De doh doh.

"No idea."

"At First Sight by The Stems, you dickhead!"

"Of course. I am a dickhead."

Radio Birdman
If The Stems were cool, Radio Birdman were scorching. There wasn't a band back in my olden days who came near. Their symbol (pictured) was a calling for our rock'n'roll regiment to fight our way out of whatever you would wanna fight out of. There's gonna be a new race and the kids are gonna start it up!

Back then it cost stupid amounts for any of their stuff on vinyl. Collectors all over would charge hundreds for any of it. I found a copy of the Burn My Eye EP at my local record shop for $20 which was a shitload back then. Bought it on the day I did my HSC Biology exam.

Didn't do to well in that exam.

The Hoodoo Gurus
Australia's most special band since The Easybeats. Cool, daggy and fun all at once. I reckon I saw them play at least 20 times.

Almost the best night of my life was the night they played at Deakin in Geelong. Under controversial circumstance I was one of the two to make the decision to book the band to play the uni. Young Labor AND the Young Liberals hated the idea and they did their best to get the show canned. Legal and bomb threats aside, the gig went ahead.

Working the bar, I was passing free beer all night to an attractive girly from my journo class. After the show she was soaked with beer and the sweat of a hundred surfers. That's what you get when you're feisty and it's your duty to endure the moshpit because you never missed a Gurus show no matter what.

On the way home in the taxi I was so drunk and excited cos the gig kicked arse despite the major parties push against it and most excellentally I had the girly's phone number in my back pocket. So excited that when I went to throw up out the taxi window I rolled the window UP instead of DOWN! The driver was a good sport, cleaning the chunder and offering to drive me to emergency. Bless 'im!

Me and the girly hooked up a week after that gig at Outlaw Hard'n'Fast and it lasted um... over 12 years.

Better get me shit together. The Stems go onstage at 8.

Here We Come

Hot Pies.

Mess+Noise Twerp Not Into "Popcorn Flicks"

Here's a great little discourse from the Mess and Noise discussion pages I had with a dim little twerp named entroducing....

Subject: favourite international films

endtroducing... said 33 minutes ago

i'm about to go on a shopping spree for a birthday present, on dvd's on ebay, specifically ones you wouldnt usually find in your average blockbuster etc etc.

I'm specifically interested in asian (south korean and japanese), european and independent american film.

So to build up a good shopping list, list some of your favourite films of the independent/arthouse/old favourites that might fall into this category here.

I'll get the list started with a few suggestions to give the idea of what i might be after

* Werner Herzog/Klaus Kinski box set
* JSA
* Infernal Affairs 1/2
* A Bittersweet life
* Down By Law
* 3 Iron
* Vengeance is mine


TheNightwatchman said 22 minutes ago:

Bachelor Party

or

Don's Party

You can get either for under $15. There's Porky's/Bachelor Party set for about $10.


endtroducing... said 17 minutes ago:

thanks nightwatchman but im not really after popcorn flicks. not that there is anything wrong with them. more after peoples favourite innovative world cinema.


TheNightwatchman said 8 minutes ago:

I just laughed so much I shat.

Stephen William Hawking CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA, LEGO

From Boing Boing's offshoot, BB Gadgets.

Shock Newspaper Study Revelations: Some Footy Fans Drink Before Going To The Footy

In a Walkely Award deserving triumph of investigative journalism, the Herald Sun found that two out of three fans had drunk alcohol before the glorious game at the MCG on Saturday night.

One third of the 60 tested registered a blood alcohol reading that exceeded the 0.05 legal driving limit with the highest reading of 0.164.

Of course the paper enlisted an outraged, dial-a-quote-academic, Melbourne Uni's professor of global health, Rob Moodie.

"(The statistics) show the ubiquity of alcohol in our society and the fact that it's getting worse rather than better," he said.

"I'm a little surprised by it, that people need to be fuelled up to go to the footy."

Aw, fuck off.

We don't 'need' to be 'fuelled up' to go to the footy. We just prefer it.

But the professor gets even more stupidistic.

"The social culture of the footy is something we want to keep. That's why venues need processes about how they sell and distribute alcohol.

"You want to keep your alcohol consumption moderate so you can remember the game and enjoy it."

The paper would have got themselves a bigger scoop if they tested fans on the way out of the ground as it was almost impossible to get a full strength beer at the ground on the night.

The little members bar we usually get a cheeky Melbourne stubbie at half time was only serving mid-strength out of the one tap.

As charming as young Claudia, the girl who was pouring the beers was, she couldn't keep up with the demand of a queue running out the door into the next bar.

The biggest outrage is not that fans drink somewhere else before the game. No wonder they do. Instead the scandal is that if the game is on at night adults can't be trusted to drink full strength beer while watching the game.

Enough of the paternalistic, greedy (mid-strength costs the same as full) and class bias (While the public and season ticket holders have no access to it, members get full strength at their own bars and corporate box whores get to drink all the bogue piss they can handle).

This class bias is the most despicable.

Luckily democracy, justice and common sense is championed by Don Owen, 28, of Mooroolbark, who was pleased with his 0.098 reading, which he described as "grouse".

"You've got to be good at something."

Cheers, Don!

Grand Final Pre Match Entertainment Can Be Entertaining

Let this gorgeous footage of Marvin Gaye nailing the Star Spangled Banner be an impassioned plea.

Build a five kilometer buffer zone around the MCG to keep Shannon Noll and any other Idol contestant the hell away from this year's Grand Final.

Please.

I'd rather hear toilets flush.

Thanks Shane for the heads up on this one.

Drover's Dog 07: My Brand New Dog Blog!

Woof farken woof!

Another Nightwatchman offshoot.

Drover's Dog 07, yet another election commentary blog.

But this one might get silly.

Here's an extract of the first posting....

Political blogs have been around forever. Just now, there's too many to read and fark, they're long winded and take it all too ridiculously seriously. You been to Online Opinion and Larvatus Prodeo lately? For fark's sake. Click the 'continue reading' buttons on their articles and you're stumped with a 2000 word article followed by 87 impassioned comments. Get through that and well, let's look at the word check for the top liner for today's Larvatus Prodeo and you got, I merde you non Monsieur, 5,040 words.

You won't get that here. I'm already bored of this posting and gee, we're only at 181 words. Besides, my regular readers at The Nightwatchman don't do commenting. They prefer to skim the article, giggle at the pics and then go back and stalk some more poor good lookin' bastards on Facebook.

Why call it Drover's Dog 07?
Because as of today, September 6th Howard's got no chance in hell of winning this one. Work Choices farked him up big time and he's so far behind nothing can save it. So the famous saying can be well and truly applied, even a drover's dog could lead Labor to victory.
All the drover's dog has to do now is play dead and he's got Howard boned.

Let's watch.

Oh, and the latest posting features a disturbing photo of John Howard's son, Rowland S Howard.

Very disturbing.

Great Moments In Web History: Polly Makes It Big On I Can Has Cheezburger

Here's the moment her dad's dream came true (click pic for a readable version).

She's got a four and a half star rating and so far over 118 comments from Lolcat aficionados across the planet.

Here's some of the most entertaining comments.

SarahD: Iz cheezburger divining rod… BOIINNNG!!

Antoinette: I pity da fool who trai and taek my stick.

Myfrisbee: WIN!

snippet: O.M.G. We hav a winnar. No furthur entrees needed. Dat is so purfikt!

Kevin: Judge me not by the size of my light sabre!

Flartus: kitteh r fishin’ fur burds…otherwise knowed as “burdin’.”

amy: lol i like this caption it just works too well.

Becca: Wood chuck to gray squirrel…come in gray squirrel…

D.R: Dis a lucky speshul stiek!

Hailey Efron: wow thats great , i loved a stick once too!

BonzoGal: Dis iz mah stik. Iz nawt ur stik, iz mah stik. Mine. U cannot has. In fakt, don’t ebin luk at mah stik. U can has dat pebbul behind mah butt. No, on sekkond thot, dat mine also.

ctate: Dowsing fer cheezburgrs.

Dustbunny: In Soviet Russia, stick lufs u.

Quiltchicken: Iz LOG - LOG!

B!: Iz ok, kitteh, yoo kin luf a stik, wee nawt laff atchoo fur luvvin it. Eben big kittehs kin luv sumpin….

We nawt tink less uv yoo fur luvvin it…[snicker] …reellee….!

Vote for Polly and read the many more strangely written (language: Lolcat), comments at I Can Has Cheezburger a here's the story of the making of a star.

I wonder if Milo will make the big time?

What Late Night Pay TV Taught Me

Neil Young recently had a brain aneurysm.

Spellcheck tells me I nailed the word, aneurysm first time.

Emmylou Harris looks like a doll.

A pretty but disturbing lookin' doll.

Neil Young's lovely old Martin guitar was first owned by Hank Williams.

When doing Harvest Moon, Neil gets an old guy on stage to sweep a broom on a doormat as some sort of percussive instrument.

In some parts of Uzbekistan when you give a cot as a gift to a newly married couple, it's customary to include a bedpan which goes under the cot.

A homemade, wooden catheter leading down to the bedpan must be added to the baby's new urinary ensemble.

Uzbek babies don't do nappies at night.

I got the spelling of Uzbekistan right on my second attempt.

It's High Shorts Weather!

Correct.


Incorrect.


Incorrect.

Note Robbie Flower's stamen bulge.


Incorrect.


Incorrect.

THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY 500TH POST ON THE NIGHTWATCHMAN!

Keh?

Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton drives the crazy sentence bus way beyond zone 3.

You Mind If We Play Through?

Played my last round of golf before my knee reconstruction at the posh, Jack Nicklaus designed, Heritage Golf & Country Club on Friday.

When I say posh, think posh as in Caddyshack or even the private sporting club in the Eddie Murphy/Dan Ackroyd triumph, Trading Places.

Here's a couple of sneaky shots of the massive gentlemen's changing rooms.

It's okay to look. I didn't shoot any sagging old club members.


Noice! Everything Mr Yeoh, Mr Cheung and Mr Walls (yes, printed names on lockers) could need after a ball chafing round of 18 including, fresh warm towels, complimentary sunscreen and Old Spice on tap.



And paintings of all the old golfing greats (except Harry Vardon. We'd be nowhere without the Vardon grip!) on the shitter walls.

To address Heritage's thoughtless oversight, here's a picture of Harry.



I thought of Harry when I hit this second shot onto a 310 metre par 4 green.



So excited about almost getting my second ever eagle I drove the motorized golf buggy somewhat erratically.



They weren't the only skidmarks experienced as Brett, my golfing partner had to change into a pair of the Country Club's complimentary underpants after I spun and almost flipped the buggy on the 17th fairway.

Fangin.

Lucky we were well endowed because we lost many balls in the rough during the round.

Here's me fishing one out of one of the course's many Jamie "Every Hole Shalt Have A Water Feature" Durie inspired pond/lake/swamp/creek things.

Brett took the photo on my camera=phone because he wanted to be there if I fell in.

I love the faith my mates have in me.



But I came through with the goods.

By shuffling the club out to....


As far....


As I could reach....


To...


Fish out....


With great....


Skill....


And....


With the perseverance....


And audacity....


That has made me....


A serviceable golfer...


I manage...


To...


Fish out...



A DUCK EGG!

Yes, I thought it was a ball until the very last second and no, I didn't put the egg on a tee and Happy Gilmore it to oblivion.

I would have been reduced to tears if I had to wipe duckling embryo remains off my five iron.

Fore!

I Got Me A Ticket For The Rufus Show!

STALLS, Row J!

Only 161 sleeps!

Celebrate!

The World's Greatest War Reenactment

Every year American nerds reenact the Civil War's Battle of Gettysburg while many more thousands watch.

Happens every year.

But when it comes to historical reenactments nothing compares to Sunday's reenactment of the great brawl of 1974 at Windy Hill.

4,000 watched as has-been players, umpires, officials and police staged the historically accurate reenactment to raise money for cancer research.

I haven't been able to find out if there was a child actor playing the role of the six year old Richmond supporter who, amazingly and famously, was right in the middle of it.

In 2002, the now grown up James Ferguson told The Age that he was on the ground with a policeman looking for his dad when the fight broke out.

"I went off to get a hot dog or a drink or something and on the way back I got lost. I told somebody I was lost, so they passed me over the fence to this policeman."

"He told me to stay with him and hold on to his coat, and we were walking around the ground looking for my parents. Then the 'blue' started, and it was just all-in. He ran on to the ground, so I just followed him."

Imagine his school show-and-tell on the Monday morning.

I so envy him.

I'm In A Geelong State Of Mind

On finding the Facebook group, I Wish I Lived in New York City.. I Belong There, I was inspired.

Not to move to New York City.

Oh no, anything but.

I was inspired to start my own Facebook group, I Wish I Lived in Geelong City.. I Belong There.

Join up today and we can pine for The Lyric nightclub, the express bus to Waurn Ponds, the tough Geelong Mall kids and the lovely job they've done on Eastern Beach.

Geelong Geelong a wonderful town!

Kids' Puzzle Or Absurdist Art: You Decide

Badumf!

Fizz!

Growl!

Gulp!

Hiss!

ZING!

From the current issue of fishing's essential periodical, Fishing Victoria Monthly.

Click image for a bigger version.

I'll Get Me Coat....

The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. I thought, that's Aboriginal.

Went through customs last week and the guy said he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you can go through."

"The bad news is that you have a lump on your prostate."

An amnesiac walked into a bar.

He said, "Do I come here often?"

Penguin walks into a bar and asks, "Have you seen my brother?"

Barman asks, "Dunno. What does he look like?"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.

"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Two snowmen are chatting.

First Snowman: "Can you smell carrots?"

A lady walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Why did the boy fail his exam?

Family issues.

Share With Us Your Painful Ebay Stories

Ebay's not new anymore.

We've all had good and bad experiences with it so let's share.

My most disturbing was years ago when me and me girly at the time decided we'd treat ourselves to a digital camera for Christmas.

After a month of research I found a Kodak in Fort Lauderdale in the United States for about half the price you could squeeze out of the dodgy fellas on Elizabeth Street.

We were so thrilled when the camera beat the Christmas post rush and arrived on the door two days before the big day. It was early in the digital days so we were ridiculously excited, taking hundreds of photos of our cat before lunchtime.

Ran out of room on the memory card so I looked to see if there was room on the camera's on-board hard drive to hold photos.

"Hold on, there's already a photo on this."

"What is it. Let's have a look!"

"Shit."

A photo of the proud seller's cock.

Alert.

And you could see his nerd stuff like hard drives, keyboards, printers and shit in the background.

Rang my sister to ask how we could wash a camera.

"Just wipe the lens with tissue and lens cleaner."

"No, WASH THE WHOLE CAMERA."

We declined to leave negative feedback.

Leave a comment in the comments thingy down there and we can work through our Ebay trauma together.

The Worst Interview Ever?

Is this worse than Calamity Jane's Dandy Warhols interview on Recovery years ago?

Listen out for the scream in the background when the ABC News Now interviewer (her name's Merry Miller and she was Miss Dallas or something or rather years ago), squints at the autocue and makes it all up, getting the date wrong and then telling us to check out her show's website at NBC.com.

Gawker's reader comments about what might be happening behind (and under) the scenes are fricken hilarious.

Hot News From The Tour De Prance

My mission late last night was to send SMS reports of Cadel Evans' race for the yellow jersey to me mate Jack, who was out on the town on his own individual pursuit of the pink jersey.

Hours later at 4.10am Jack sends a SMS report from a famous little pub in Collingwood....

"OMG! There's a guy at The Peel in the lycra tour gear. He is riding for Team CSC. I'm very serious."

I wonder if the rider shaved his legs for the occasion.

No Focaccia For You!

When I came in on crutches a couple months ago the same Rathdowne Street deli owner asked, "What happened to you? Fall off your sheila?"

I don't go there much anymore.

I Wish I Could Promise No More LOLcats On This Blog But No I Can't Okay So Cool It Already Laugh At The Funny Cats And Spell Like A Dumb Kid The End

This LOLcat from I Can Has Cheezburger (thanks Melissa, you've really come through with the goods this time), is funny on at least five different levels.

For a start, check out the poor dweeb in the background.

There's no doubt he's thinking, "I IS SPAYCE CAT WANT SPAYCE SHEEP EXTRACTA NOWZ".

And here's one I made with a pic of my old mate, Polly.



I've submitted it to ICHC so hooray, Polly's going to be world famous!

Oh What Sunny Winter Days!

The birds are singing and the bees are buzzin' on such a lovely winter's day. Yippedee doo dah! Life is grand. Hurrah, all is fine! All is great! Yay!

Why the gaiety?

I watched Carlton get beaten by 20 goals yesterday. A glorious pleasure to watch. Today they sacked sacrificed their coach, Denis Pagan, a bloke I never really liked.

Alright, I felt a tiny bit sorry for him for a minute because he couldn't do much with the rubbish players in his team (Oh hold on, he recruited Mick Martyn years ago. Fool. Nope, it's ALL PAGAN'S FAULT THEN!), but as a Collingwood supporter it's my duty to unconditionally love EVERY MINUTE of Carlton's woes.

Also Pagan is one of Wayne Carey's best mates. Carey might have even shed a tear.

If he could, that is.

Meanwhile as I type, some bozos at Essendon are meeting to decide whether to sack their coach, Kevin Sheedy.

Same meeting takes place at the club every year but because the board members are ultimately scared their home insurance policies and bank interest repayment plans are voided by the many thousands of auditors who support the club, Sheeds escapes the meeting.

With an extra year on wacked onto his contract and a pay rise.

By the way, on Radio National's Late Night Live, Phillip Adams conducted a one hour interview with Kevin Sheedy last month.

It's a lovely interview, covering way more than football. Their chat tells us that football has a long social history and is much more in our lives than a chance to gossip about rich young blokes who do nothing more than run, jump and drink.

Hot Pies.

Tom's Still Got It

Tom Waits' smokin' performance on Conan a couple of months ago.

Keanu Reeves Is Ageing. His Face Looks Fat.

It's fascinating to see what people have typed into google to get here.

For years it seemed I was a world authority on ipecac and then there were the golden months when The Nightwatchman was the first place you would come if you needed to see Mariah Carey having a bath with her puppy dog.

This week however, the google searches have gone a little um...

Alright, here's a list of some of the things people nut-bars have typed into google to get here this week. I shit you not. Do the searches yourself and this page should pop up.

"walking with a carrot up your arse"
"dan england, singer, melbourne"
"keanu reeves is ageing his face looks fat"
"i made out with keanu reeves"
"what is kara douglas's myspace page"
"kara douglas porn"
"gold coast chicks porn"
"keanu reeves mobile number"
"michael long awb"
"pussy cat"
"keanu twin soul"
"alex papps" (lots of people come here to read about Alex Papps.)

It's important to add that the "keanu reeves is ageing his face looks fat" search was made from an US Navy internet address.

Deary me.

How To Snag Old Man Mulloway

This week's Tackleworld Cranbourne weekly fishing report tells us that when we are born we have over 300 bones in our body, yet at adulthood we have just 206.

Also some of the shop's customers caught ten pinkie snapper to 50cm in length on Squidgy silver fox wrigglers under the Bolte Bridge a couple of nights ago.

Surprisingly they weren't after the humongous mulloways that lurk the area at this time of year.

The mulloways pictured above are too small for me. I would have thrown most of them back.

Now, that's a "decent sized" mulloway.

They get that big by eating farm animals and have been known to pull down and drown swimming dogs.

Best bait to use is messy squid and garfish and make sure to use a 10 to 15kg line with probably a 25kg tracer. I strongly suggest a running barrel sinker rig with a one metre tracer and a three ganged hook holding the bait.

I know it's tough to master baiting up on a ganged hook but really these are the things we need to get good at if we think we've got any chance of fooling the old men of the deep.

Tight lines!

Knee Day: The Date's Been Set

I will be having my knee reconstruction on August 23. It's my second ACL reconstruction so I know all about the pain I'm going to cop.

I'm particularly looking forward to:

• Trying to convince the anesthetist that I don't require an epidural. I'm sure the last bloke gave me one without telling me and blame him for the ridiculous nerve injury I sustained, forcing my leg to twitch at night for the entire year post operation.
• The wonderful frustration and eventual kidney-splittin' pain of not being able to go to the toilet for 36 hours after the operation. To counteract, I shall cease drinking fluids.... TOMORROW.
• The incessant questions, the same questions damnammit!, about my medical history by the doctors, nurses, consultants, anesthetists, interns, students, cleaners, journalists, pigeon fanciers and beauticians. I'm going to print out a list of answers and laminate it.
• Watching the Collingwood v Melbourne game in my hospital bed, the night after the operation. I will be groggy, in pain and struggling to stay awake. McAvaney, Commeti and Schwartz are that tedious.
• The few weeks in bed after the operation. I hate that bit. Too much pain to read books and too groggy from the painkillers to watch DVD's. Yuck. At least I'll get out of there for the finals.
• The nurse weeks later taking out the staples. He/she better not fuck up like the last lady. Instead of taking the last staple out, she pushed it further in there. Worse. Pain. Ever.

Fricken knee.

More On Sharky's Anger

According to the Tackleworld Cranbourne weekly fishing report, embryos of tiger sharks fight each other while in their mother’s womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born.

Perhaps this explains Sharky's anger.

That Teenage Affluenza Video

"Sadly Red has the PS2 from early 2004. He feels left behind now that the Playstation 3 has hit the market."

Hilarious.

Well done to me good mate, Adam Valvasori at World Vision/Stir and whoever at Zerna Films who wrote the piss funny and poignant script.

The Age (link), and Channel 9 news interviewed Adam today about the video's ridiculous success on You Tube.

467,580 502,075 You Tube hits and counting!

In Rod We Trust

The old bloke couldn't give a rat's arse he's in perhaps the greatest music video ever made.

It Could Have Happened To Anyone

So I'm out on the turps with me workmates and we find ourselves at Bar 20. Hard on the piss, it's getting towards one and most of them go soft and reckon it's time to go cos we've all got to go to Queensland in the morning. Soft cocks, fuck 'em. So I'm staying with one or two guys from one of our enemy companies, talking shop and getting hard on it.

20's fucked. Alright, let's go to Spearmint Rhino. And we get there and there's a few friends of friends around and everyone seems to know us and shit, these Jager Bombs are going down well. Real well. And there's two big bastards who reckon they know us. I'm not complaining cos they know the strippers too and besides there's drinks being shoved in my hands from all angles. Private room? Whatever. I'm getting tired now. Gotta get to the airport early in a few hours.

So the funny bastard big blokes reckon they're going to kick on somewhere else and they'd drop me off on the way and we get into his black Merc and fuck, how fast is he driving. I've had too much and nah, I gotta get home sorry mate all right just one at yer mates' place but I gotta get back. Mate's place is a fucking dragon's lair. Compound. Big get fucked fence, razor ribbon the works.

And then things really get out of hand.

I'm Free!

This blog rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* fuck (5x)
* hell (3x)
* pussy (2x)
* kill (1x)

In Miss Slocum's honor, here's another pussy.


As you were.

MySpearch: Researching Entirely By MySpace

MySpearch: to research a newspaper character profile/biography almost entirely based on the subject's MySpace page. Especially useful technique for researching the teen aged.

Advantages:
Bold assumptions on subject's character can be printed with impunity.

She says she loves any music and lists her favourite movies as The Sound of Music, Drop Dead Fred and Wayne's World and expresses an interest in porn.

"Had to curb my addiction to that! You don't meet many chicks with a porn addiction, do you? (link)

Similar assumptions can be made about the subject's list of MySpace "friends" and musical tastes.

Photos do not need to be cleared for permission by subject while he or she is dead or in a coma.

Another page for lazy journos to hit when they're done with Google and Wikipedia.

Examples:
Party girls' world collided with violence.
Police investigate MySpace 'RIP'

The Shooter, The Cop Shop And The Shark

So Christopher Wayne "The Shooter" Hudson turned himself into the Wallan Police Station this afternoon.

One minute you're a Hells Angel shooter on the run and the next, you're a contemporary, double brick police station, complete with Officer in Charge administration area, interview room, unisex shower and toilet, kitchen, property store, lock-up garage and suspect toilet.

Hudson has a suspect toilet.

Better call a plumber in.

I've been helping police with their inquiries all week by investigating the tangled web of friends and friends of friends on the girl who was shot, Kara Douglas by checking out her MySpace page.

That's what makes good research (MySpearch, if you will), if you're a newspaper journalist right now. Why bother talking to family, friends and ex school teachers when you've got Google and MySpace?

I was easily sidetracked.

Two or three links from Ms Douglas' page and I bump into a bunch of tough looking fellas from the Gold Coast.

My favorite and a bloke I now include as one of my closest MySpace friends is the popular, self-made millionaire (Occupation according to his page, "Loan shark - Hit Man"), Tim Shark.

Pacific Islander, Sharky owns Porsches, Ferraris, Lamborghinis, lots of Harleys and looks like a condom full of walnuts. FRICKEN HUGE, BRO!

Here's his inspirational biography lifted straight from his MySpace page:

I don’t know my parents.. my mum dumped me just after birth so I grew up living in orphanages... but I would keep running away from the orphanages and living on the streets..... but im happy... I was told by my grandmother that my mum was booked in for an abortion,,, She turned up at the hospital drunk and the doctors wouldn't perform it........ Hey Mum,,, if your reading this....Sucked in you fucking bitch !!!! Anyway,,,Fuck my parents.... i am a Self Made,,, hard ass,,, son of a bitch...... I like fast cars,,, Harley Davidson's,,,heavy metal music and making lots of money.... i like pissing off society going against the grain.... i like rocking up to fancy ass bullshit silver service restaurants in my Lamborghini or Ferrari wearing a t-shirt, baseball cap & camo shorts.... i like bashing the fuck out of people who are cruel to animals.... i like to control a room, not just be in a room..... i like wearing gold, Diamonds, Rolex watches & Louis Vuitton.... i like sending my high school headmaster Christmas cards saying "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE I MADE IT"

Now it's your turn to do some MySpearch. Meet some of his MySpace friends, do some Googling, check out the newspaper reports and court transcripts and you'll find out one thing.

He means every word.

M&N Scrabblefest Grand Final Day

Apparently I'm the 'Scrabble Wizard'.

tabula rasa said 3 days ago:

It's on! The Melbourne final will be held in Cobra (upstairs at the Tote) on Thursday 14th with a "kickoff" between 7 & 7:30pm. All those interested are most welcome to attend. Will the newcomer (me) be able to take on the Scrabble wizard? Be there to find out!

Come and watch me play the Melbourne Final of the Mess & Noise '07 Scrabblefest. Win tonight and I'm off to Sydney to play a bloke called Hillsonghoods to win the whole thing.

The pundits hyped and feared me from early on in the two month competition. Admittedly I've had an easy run and yes, I've probably played more scrabs than most people in the comp but I could pick up three U's and four I's in my first go.

Anyway, I've heard this Tabula Rasa bloke has stupidly resilient concentration, and from our negotiations over time and venue it's become apparent he's into boardgames in a big way.

Tote tonight.

There will be a crowd.

My cheersquad won the toss and will be barracking from the Victoria Park end of the Cobra Bar.

Lazy bastards couldn't be arsed making a banner.

In No Uncertain Terms You Are Not Welcome In The Rooms After The Game Mr White Maggot

One of my favorite weekly reads is the tribunal hearings report in the VAFA's The Amateur Footballer.

This week's bombshell involves my club, The Bloods.

We were charged with conduct unbecoming during their senior match against Collegians on Saturday May 26, 2007 at McKinnon.

The specific charges are as follows:

1. That during the first half of the match abuse was allegedly directed towards the umpires from a spectator on the far wing.

2. That players no. 17, Kynan Ford and no.9, Matthew Brewer, allegedly told the umpires in no uncertain terms that they were not welcome in the social rooms.

Charges proven. Club fined $100. Players Ford and Brewer placed on $100 bond on the condtioin they do not offend again.

The Bloods apologised to umpires.

In a stunning development, Fordy was sent off in today's game against Old Brighton half way through the last quarter for uttering an "audible obscenity".

Mad Skillz World Cup 2007

Our representative from the USA, Dan Dzoan with his world record, 17.9 second, one-handed Rubik's Cube solve. Later in the day Dan missed out on breaking the Razzle Dazzle endorsed, one-handed newspaper scrunching world record by less than a second.


From Japan, Bob McKenzie and Harry Fitzpatrick and their unforgettable rally in the 1993 Fukuoka Regionals semi final. I was there and boy, it was a terrific game.


Sweden's Niclas Ceder banging home an almost perfect 99.75 per cent on the stupidly hard Uber Rave DDR machine. Niclas lists the Nicholas Brothers, Glynn Nicholas and Saint Nicholas as the four blokes he'd love to invite to his bungalow for a dinner party.


"Ordemmysanchuabake! Ordemmysanchuabake! Ordemmysanchuabake!" were the cries from the commentator when Japan's Terrance McPhee succeeded in his world record trampoline basketball dunk.


South Korea's Aichi Jones spins around 89280 degrees on his head. Jones advises that to keep from getting dizzy it's best to close your eyes and think intently of puppy dogs wearing silly hats.


And the winner is....

Australia and Macedonia's Peter Daicos!

Daics can do all the crazy stuff the other competitors from Japan, USA, Sweden and South Korea do, but every time he goes to upload his trick videos to YouTube, he finds his kids have yet again exceeded the family's monthly internet bandwidth limit.