The Incredible 1993 VFA Grand Final Brawl And Celebration.

Just watch.

It's extraordinary.

But really, I don't see too much wrong with it.

Love seeing the kids get up close to the action.

And here's the low key news report reaction.

If anything like this was to happen today, Australia's media would melt in it's own stupid juices.

Who Doesn't Love The Roulettes?

I went to the Grand Prix qualifying today. Took these photos of The Roulettes, the second best thing to come out of Sale, Gippsland. 

The first? 

Scott Pendlebury.  

Click the photos for better versions.

VRRROOOM!!!

EEEOWW!!!

WOAAAHHH!!!

WEEEEEE!!!!

Thanks Josh for inviting me along. Great day.

Bruce Springsteen Does The Saints

Nothing witty to say.

Just brilliant.

My Rough Show Notes To House Of Cards.

Kevin Spacey yesterday.

In the most recent Boxcutters we reviewed Kevin Spacey's House of Cards which was put on Netflix recently. Here's the brain dump I took into the studio. They are rough notes. That's why they're a bit long and discombobulated. Like a sausage. A pork loin, fennel and dubious analogy flavoured sausage. Let's see how it's made.

I love Kevin Spacey. 

This is his best role since playing the weedy boss’s assistant in my favorite movie/play Glengarry Glen Ross. But his character, Frank Underwood in House of Cards is his exact opposite. Or is he. Devious, assured, bitter, dark, cynical - he knows people like no other. Knows all the tricks to fuck you over with a smile so well that he can make you feel like he's doing the best for you. Or he can shit on your head. Slowly. You won't enjoy that ever. 

One of the great plot devices is Spacey's head to the side narration which did appear in the previous UK series but to say that was original then would be to ignore theatre’s tradition. All history’s great plays do that. It’s film and television who are behind. I mean, look at the Paperboy with Macy Gray’s strange narration.  What’s going on with that? I must stop thinking about this film.

The unreliable narrator is something that really interests me. Happens in the great novels too. And that’s what we have with Frank Underwood, so sure of himself we barrack for evil but the show goes somewhere else.

His style is high camp dead panning.

Villain.

The bastard knock about rogue to school friends, man with a knife to enemies.

Everyone is his enemy.

Even you.

Even when he’s nice to you. That’s how he does it. He works out what you like and fondles that bit like Lori Singer on a cello. The crazed failure. The crazed success. The man borning himself again and again to lead. 

Delicious.

Then there’s his relationship with his wife played by Robin Wright. The most dangerous power couple since Pixie and Christopher Skase. I love watching these people. Lady Macbeth is too easy a  comparison. Both teeter everywhere around morality. I don’t really know of a comparison. There’s probably another Shakespeare but I’m not an English teacher.

To compare this Spacey version with the English one isn’t worth it either. This is a cover. An adaption. Things change. Do you read every book a movie’s adapted to? Do you have that time? Trust people. Trust the artist to make their own cover version. That’s what we pay them for.

David Fincher’s darkness is here. What does a director do after the facebook movie, which was sure directed by him, but does anyone ever get an idea through Sorkin these days? 

The wife, let’s go back to the wife. Claire Underwood. Some strange scenes about her morality. And then she’s just an awful person to work with. Those scenes made me shudder. I used to work in the not for profit places and I tell youse there’s some real nasty pasties around. Much like the other Rob, Robyn Butler’s lead character in The Librarians maybe. But maybe not. Butler’s aggression was cloaked. Wright’s Claire Underwood would slowly scratch out your eyes. And then be forlorn about your blindness for at least three more hours. Besides. Robyn Butler spells her name with a Y.

The journalist girl. Kate Mara as Zoe Barnes. Fabulous but sometimes a bit disturbing because she’s such a little girl. The sex scenes, look I don’t like sex scenes on TV, are awkward because of her littleness. Maybe that was the point they were making but I feel uncomfortable.

The way Frank plays the media. More realistic than the newsroom ever dreamed of being. It’s about feeding the chooks. Frank gives a journo a drop and then you see a montage of the drop turning into a story Chinese Whispers style across the news cycle. This seems right. I asked a journo I know about this and they seemed stunned by the scene. Scary real.

Though the dying newspaper thing and subsequent lets go and work somewhere new age modern contemporary where you can sit on a beanbag is already outdated.

I like where it’s going and I can’t wait to see the second series. Ends a bit abruptly and later eps struggle a little bit but that’s what happens when you try to keep things up like this over 13 episodes.

Oh talk about tired ideas. Alcoholics Anonymous. We’ve progressed since 1986. There are other ways to treat drug dependence. But in US drama there’s only one.

Like what I'm doing here? Well, hire me as your next copywriter. Mostly freelance but I prefer fulltime. Call me on 0433360199 or email me at hotpies@gmail.com. I'm available right now.

My Own Bookplate Drawn By Oslo Davis.

My Ex Libris bookplate thingy on my favorite first edition. (click to magnify)

Ever since stumbling across the collection of bookplates at Kay Craddock's many years ago, I've wanted one of these made.

Now I've got one.

I could think of nobody better to draw it.

Thanks so much to Lucy, my and Lucy's family, and my great mates for making it happen.

And of course, Oslo Davis for drawing it.

I Love You Austin: My Guide To Having The Best Time Ever At SXSW.

That's me in the spotlight.

Most of you will know I went to SXSW last year as part of the Boxcutters podcast, and most of you will know I had a brilliant time.

If you're going this year, (hi Esther and Ben!), here's a few things you need to know.

Download the SXSW Go app now.
Do it. Here's the link again. Done? Good. Put it on your phone. Put it on your ipad. Now once you're done with this blog post, do all the registering and signing in you can because uploading your photos (you have to do this for your badge and other stuff), over in Austin is a drag. It took one of my mates ages.

Once you've done that, have an explore and lock in all the things you want to see. If that looks daunting you have a lot of time to do that on the plane on your way to Austin. This is fun.

Plan but don't get overwhelmed.
So once you've done all that you'll think there's so much on that you couldn't possibly fit it all in. It's Ok. You won't. Indeed, some afternoons you'll plan to see someone from a NY ad agency do a talk on crazy sneakers that read minds but instead you end up in a bar on 5th Street talking to a nice bunch of people wearing backpacks and nice shoes. "So what is it you lovely people do?" you'll ask. "Oh, we invented a thing called Tumblr. Want another drink?"

Get to the plane on time.
US customs is um.... difficult. And there's only a couple of planes going to Austin every day. Something goes wrong and you'll have a fun 50 hour trip like I did on the way back.

Bring light clothes and good walking shoes.
It's hot and you'll do heaps of walking.

Do I bring my phone?
Yes. Just deactivate global roaming and keep your wifi on. For twittering, using the SXSW app etc, there's free public WIFI everywhere in Austin. The free WIFI in the Convention Centre and the Driskill Hotel is teriffic. And if you can't find one, find a Starbucks or ask one of your new American friends to tether onto their phone. If you feel a need to use a phone to talk, buy a throwaway phone at a phone shop. They're cheap and they make you feel like a corner-boy in The Wire.

Hail a Chevrolet.
Chevrolet do a thing at SXSW where they drive around town giving people with badges a free lift to anywhere in Austin. All you have to do is hail one down with your badge. The nice driver will give you a spiel about the new car they're driving but that's not too much of a price to pay.

Also Austin locals are magnificent. Because they appreciate there's not enough taxis in their proud city, they hate seeing visitors trying to find one. That's why they love driving you home late at night or if it's raining. True. They insist. Happened to us MANY times.

Enjoy Austin.
There may be over 20,000 people visiting Austin for the festival but it was the quintessential Austin things that made my time there brilliant. Here's some.

Go see local band, Hot Club of Cowtown play at the Continental Club.
They're the world's best Western Swing band. I met locals who moved to Austin just so they can see Hot Club play every week. They're that good.

Get a dancing lesson at The Broken Spoke honky tonk bar.
See when Dale Watson's on. I've loved Dale for many years. His hair is my own hair's inspiration. He'll play Texas Two Step dancing music for hours and hours and you won't want to leave. You'll need to take a taxi but it's worth it. One of the craziest nights I've ever had. Long story. Get me drunk and I'll tell it to you. Anyway at midnight the owner sings a song and a broken spoke is I don't know. Look. Just see the video I shot.

You've never had BBQ if you've never had Austin BBQ.
I can't stress this enough. Austin BBQ is life changing. The place people talk most about is the Salt Lick which also has a restaurant in the Austin airport.

A rib at Iron Works yesterday.

But I recommend Iron Works, also the BBQ truck near Antone's and the Sugar Shack near the University. Go to any place that sells pulled pork and ribs and you'll be happy. Also Franklin BBQ is supposed to be amazing.
Also on 5th Street, drop into Tears of Joy for your hot sauce supply to bring back home. It's a ridiculous place. Frank's Hotdogs is also great.

Get cowboy boots and jeans at Allen's Boots.
Allen's on Congress is heaven for cowboy boots. Give yourself at least an hour to decide because you could lose your mind. They also sell jeans at less than a third of the price you get them in Australia. The Wranglers I have on right now cost $28 US.

And over the road get a gumbo at this place. Read more about it here. There's also a great second hand book shop with lots of cool first editions a few doors up from Allen's.

Most of all, tip your bar staff, talk to everyone and have a blast.

You never know what these weeks will lead to.

Like what I'm doing here? Well, hire me as your next copywriter. Mostly freelance but I prefer fulltime. Call me on 0433360199 or email me at hotpies@gmail.com. I'm available right now.

Our Captains This Week.

Max Walker yesterday.

This week our captains not only represent the Abbotsford Anglers, they represent their home countries. Shutts, New Zealand and Al Judd.... Geelong. I did a bit of a ring around to their fellow countrymen.

"Juddy is the greatest man to come out of Geelong since Gary "Whiskas" Hocking. And like Gary, Ford asked Juddy to change his name to "Fiesta". Unfortunately Juddy refused."

Max Walker

"Juddy made me go lez."

Portia de Rossi

"Juddy also made me go lez."

Dennis Walter

"Who could forget little Shuttsy at juniors training every week. First to arrive. Last to leave. Oh. Hold on. I was thinking Lance's kid."

Richard Hadlee

"Shuttsy's middle foot pull is a real slice of heaven. He's also good at batting." 

Dave Dobbyn

"Shuttsy made me go lez."

Paul Henry

Captains' Preview: Cords and Gimp

I play cricket for the Abbotsford Anglers, the greatest cricket club in the world.

When teams are announced, me and Cords, the club president, take turns in writing captains' previews. Here it is for today's games.

With all the limited toilets this week and Angler Gravy (trots), going around in the 12/13 season, let's have a look at our captains' dietary requirements. 

Cords.
Meat preference: Anything from the meat tray won at the Laird Hotel's trivia night win earlier in the week.
Bar meal order: Mixed grill Would you like the veges or salad & chips with that? Just chips, thanks.
Quickeze or Mylanta: Mylanta. Definitely Mylanta.

Gimp.
Meat preference: Sensible portions. 
Bar meal order: Kids fish'n'chips
Would you like the veges or salad & chips with that? Veges. And salad. And chips.
Quickeeze or Mylanta: Prefers to ride above it.

My Review of Anthony Hopkins' Hitchcock Movie.

One more thing.

Two makeup artists spent at least 90 minutes each morning perfecting Anthony Hopkins' look, using £50,000 worth of prosthetics and a 'fat suit'. While three ex Hallmark bereavement card writers spent half a day and £195 (inc VAT) sucking all the life out of the screenplay.

Libraries Are Wasted On The Students.

Inside the State Library yesterday.

I've spent lots of time in Melbourne's libraries lately. Here's what I've noticed.

Libraries are wasted on the students.

Libraries used to be quiet places.

Apparently now it's OK to talk loudly in a library.

Librarians are the library's loudest talkers.

Every library has a bloke who either: a) sleeps in the same chair at the same time, every day, b) borrows and returns and borrows again, the same book every day, c) does a little shit in the same corner near the reference section every second Thursday.

Libraries are bigger, warmer and quieter than a Department of Human Services funded boarding house.

Every library has a chess board. The State Library has a chess room bustling with old Eastern Block Europeans fighting about who's going to lose the game first.

Records of Australia's earliest online chess tournaments.

Indeed, the State Library's chess room has one of the biggest collections of chess books, magazines and tournament reports in the world. This makes it one of Melbourne's most boringly fascinating places.

I've only seen the East Melbourne library's chess board used by one man. He plays himself, though the rivalry and his in-game banter is as fierce and foul as you'd hear during a mid 1980s Collingwood Carlton game.

Melbourne's homeless have been playing 'winner stays on' on the playstation set up to play Fifa 9 in the library on Flinders Lane for the past three years. I have seen ciggies change hands on an exciting 3-2 result.

The Flinders Lane library also has a beautifully tuned piano on the second floor. You are only allowed to play the piano if you have a 'grade 5' or higher musical qualification. Though there should be a rule for taste. Vanessa Carlton tunes and free jazz make for difficult reading music.

Unless you're lucky enough to hear this homeless lady play...

Just beautiful.

The State Library Dome Room aint the awe-inspiring place of silence and wood it used to be.

But if you look closely...

Just a little plaque on one of the little Dome Room desks.

Computer games should be blocked on library computers. But they're not.

The local history section is wasted on the ancient library patrons. Have a quick look. You'll learn something brilliant.

I couldn't put it down.

Like did you know Nunawading was a local aboriginal word for 'coming'?

The fast computer check out system at the East Melbourne Library is one of the most thrilling pieces of technology I've seen. It knows what you have under your arm by electronic magic, letting you leave the place in less than 10 seconds!

The view from the desk as I type this blog.

The East Melbourne library is quite a pleasant building.

It's OK to come back. A few years ago there was a change in Melbourne councils, and the libraries they fund. This means your old $86.25 library fine from years ago may have been written off the library's system. Why you needed 19 months to read The DaVinci Code is anyone's guess.

Libraries are depressing if you need to go more than once a week.

This little guy wants his owner to stop reading comics already.

Brownlow 2012: Charge Your Glasses And Be Upstanding For Jobe Watson etc.

This year's Brownlow Medal winner (left).

Round twenty something. 21 I think. No votes for Watson because they lost by a million points. No votes to Mitchell. he stays on 23. DANE ZORKO GETS 2 VOTES. I love Dane Zorko. Beams gets 2 to move to a respectable 19 votes. Cotchin on 20.

But Jobe Watson wins the Brownlow Medal.

He's on 30 and nobody can catch him.

Not even Judd.

Unless they change the rules right now to give Judd another. But they don't.

Round 22. I need Beams to poll and get a place but he doesn't. Ablett moves to 24. Cotchin moves to equal third 23. Round 23. Swan moves to 25. Mitchell and I think Thompson 26.

But it's over. Dane Swan hands over the medal to run off the stage to get stuck into a beer and a kebab (do they serve kebabs at the Casino?), and Mark Fitzpatrick tells us to charge your glasses and be upstanding (this will be one of the last times Dane will be upstanding all night), for Jobe Watson the 2012 Brownlow Medal winner.

The interview starts slowly. "What was going through your mind?" Watson doesn't say much interesting. Probably because the questions have been asked so many times before. Bruce is going through his whole career. it's like that boring bit of a rock biography when they talk about being young and having a dad and shit. I want this interview to end. It's so controlled. I do like his dad but. Met him and worked with Tim Watson for a day once. He was brilliant. Now they're talking about Old Xavs. Eugh. And now his partner, Ella. And the rest of the family, sisters, whatever.

Now to talk about his dad again. This is the bit that might get emotional. Bruce mentions Jobe's grandfather who died recently. But Jobe won't crack. He's tough under pressure.

Well done.

Credit where credit's due.

Brownlow 2012: Jobe Watson Will Win It (I Think).

This year's Brownlow Medal winner and his dad (well, I think he'll win it)

It's hotting up. Round 19. Watson in the lead with 29 with Ablett on 23 and Swan on 22. Watson gets three. I hate Essington.

Round 20. Collingwood killed Sydney. Beams should get votes, stealing off Swan. Swan was on drinking leave. He can't win it. No votes to Ablett!!! I hope this Essington guy wins it. He moves to 30. Mitchell on 23.

Only a few rounds to go and Watson will struggle to get votes. Ablett has a couple of best on grounds to go but I don't think he'll catch up.

Meanwhile on QandA... I don't care what happens on QandA.

Bruce interviewing Dane Swan. Dane rounding his vowels. Struggling with words. He gets through the interview without passing out.

As it says in the headline, Jobe will win it.

There will be a riot if Gary Garry Junior wins it.

Brownlow 2012: It's Getting Exciting. Well, As Exciting As A Counting Show Gets.

Back to the footy. Round 17. Footage of a Freo player getting hit in the orchestra stalls. Cotchin moves to 15. Stephen Milne gets his second vote. Swan gets 2 in a losing game to 17 but Mitchell gets 3 to move to 18. Ablett on 21. No votes to Watson. Demetrious is slowing down for effect. Tedious.

Round 18 and Dane Swan was pretty awesome. Let's see how he goes. He's too far behind. Lenny Hayes onto 18. Why do non Saints supporters like Lenny Hayes? I do. I don't know why. It's against my nature. Swan gets the 3 and moves to 20. Ablett on 22. Watson. Does he get votes? No. They lost by 94 points. It would be a crime.

The round up board reckons Ablett comes home with a wet sail.

How excitement.

Brownlow 2012: The Sad Bit With Jim Stynes In It.

So we're all worked up after a Motorhead montage and what do they give us?

A long Jim Stynes tribute.

Anyway, now is a good time to look at twitter. Matthew Lappin has just tweeted the controversial "Our game is judged by how many not how effective." I completely agree. Obviously he's referring to the Ablett travesty against Collingwood.

Back to the Brownlow and Brian Stynes is crying. Bruce looks awkward. Mike Fitzpatrick is announcing a new award. A Jim Stynes community award for the player who does most for the community. We don't get to see the votes for this. Daniel Jackson of Richmond wins it. Beats Nick Maxwell and Jared Harbrow by only a few votes.

Early money on Harry O'Brien winning it next year for solving the Palestinian situation, the war in Sudan and the ongoing row between Russell Brand and Noel Gallagher.

Follow all that goodwill with that fucking Crown Casino ad.

Brownlow 2012: There Was A Montage With Motorhead Playing In The Background.

Lemmy earlier today.

How do you make montages awesome?

Set them to a Motorhead soundtrack.

Brownlow 2012: Judd Gets Votes On The Same Game He Gets Suspended.

Plonker.

Round 14 and we get more footage of Travis Cloke getting hit in the head with a footy. Clumsy clot. Bad at negotiating contracts but sure can play in Septembers. Nic Nat gets his 4th vote. Swan moves onto 15. Thompson 16 but Watson onto 26!

Round 15 and I need to go to the toilet. I will hold on. Judd onto 10. Cox onto 6. Cotchin is getting bugger all votes. Ablett moves onto 16. No votes to Watson. I can't hold on much longer.

Round 16 was when Juddy did the chicken wing. What a fucking plonker. He's only got about 10 votes. Happy with that. BUT HE GETS 2 VOTES DESPITE GETTING REPORTED. Unbelievable.

Ablett moves onto 18.

Brownlow 2012: This Is Grateness.

Joffa in a plaintive mood, yesterday.

Round 12. The one thing I like about Jobe Watson being streets ahead is that he's beating Ablett. But I think Gary Gary Junior gets a few votes here. Lets' see. Nic Nat gets his second vote because despite everything you see and everything they say, he's not a great player. Ablett gets his 15th vote. Watson stays on 20.

Round 13. Rhyce Shaw got 3 votes. Swan gets his 12th. Beams gets his 11th. The Pies table looks tired and emotional. Watson on 23. Yes, 23 votes after 13 rounds. Flying.

Montage of angry fans to Joffa doing a Tim Rogers impersonation. It's all a bit weird. Confronting. Sad. I think they spelled it like this... THIS IS GRATENESS. Was that on purpose? If so, good pun.

Brownlow 2012: As If Ablett Deserved Votes In That Losing Game. Oh He Had 53 Touches. Who Cares.

Back to the fucking football.

Round 8 and Pendles gets his 11th. Jobe Watson leading on 14. Stanton 13.

Round 9 and we get this fantastic footage of a sign falling on Travis Cloke.

Demetriou refuses to slow the fuck down. Stanton on 14. Watson on 17. It's looking like Essington first and second. But they're about to lose a shitload of games. Pendles on 12. Beams gets his 4th. I have stupid money on Swan and Beams. It's not going to happen.

Which reminds me. Isn't it refreshing that this telecast hasn't been interrupted by a bunch of betting updates.

Shit. Spoke too soon. A TAB ad update thing. Very annoying.

Round 10 and it's Brett Kirk doing the voiceover. It's nothing like this because his hair is different.

Watson moves to 19 votes. That's quite a lead on Stanton and Pendles. Ablett gets 3 votes for his 53 possession game against Collingwood. That's what the umpires thought. The rest of the world thought Daisy Thomas easily had the better game. I did. One of Ablett's team mates shoved a table 53 sign in front of Ablett during the reading out of the votes. Pricks.

Round 11. Watson onto 20. Beams onto 7 and Swan on 11.

I'm still angry about Ablett getting the 3 votes in round 10.

Brownlow 2012: 20 Minutes of Channel 7 Commentators Interviewing Each Other

Back after the break and Cameron Ling interviews Matthew Richardson and Brian Taylor. Then we move to an edited bit of Brian Taylor interviewing Matthew Richardson and a bunch of Channel 7 contracted players who are strapped to a lie detector.

Hey BT! Ask me a question! Ask me a question!

BT: Do viewers love it when Channel 7 commentators interview and share private jokes together?

ME: We hate it BT! We hate you all BT! Even Richo!

Fuckwits.

Brownlow 2012: There You Go.

This is not Josh Kennedy's Columbian girlfriend. There you go. 

Round 6. Dayne Beams gets his first votes. Dane Swan nowt. Ablett? Nowt. Someone called Rory Sloane gets his 6th vote. Demetriou gets to say ARR NAHAS for the first time. This is going way way way too fast.

Round 7. Brian Taylor does the voice over the montage thing. I loved BT as a player but he's really giving me the shits as a commentator. Especially after his hand in the Leon Davis balls up over the preseason.

The Sunts won their first game this round. I don't care. And Ablett got no votes. Richmond's Cotchin gets his first 3 votges. Swan moves to 8 with Pendles. Yes, I barrack for Collingwood. I don't care too much about the rest. Jobe Watson at the lead, a record 13 votes. He looks nervous.

Now an interview with some Sydney players via satellite in the Sydney rooms. Remember when they used to always cross over to Paul Roos via satellite from a different country every year? Oh. Basil Zempelis is interviewing a Josh Kennedy's Columbian girlfriend. Very very cringeworthy. And Bruce tells us that they met during the shooting of a TV ad, pronouncing "THERE YOU GO"

Who would have thunk it?

There you go.