Don't Diss Our Roots

“He believes many people are still captured by the white-picket view of a home, the Neighbours and Kath and Kim model of suburban living.” (In The Dock, The Age, 17/3)

And there you have it, in one icecream headache inducing sentence, an insult and reason why I would never live in that windswept dive, a place made by men and women who don’t like people but love investment. A place as much a monument to the horrible world before our recession as are foreclosure Florida ghost-towns and $400 AMFM radios.

They’re built by men and women disgusted by my, my family and most of my friend’s suburban childhoods. Men and women who think we should prefer a chain shopping precinct to a family run milkbar. Men and women who reckon they can get away with selling a home without a kitchen (yes, they exist), or backyard.

I’m the hip young professional these men and women have failed in trying to coax into their speculative investment.

I’m sick of upstarts in The Age's pages dissing our suburbs.

So bugger Soho, Notting Hill and the Docklands and celebrate Mount Waverley, Knox and Preston because these are the real places of childhood and Melbourne’s soul.

20 Reasons Why You Should See The Wrestler Starring Mickey Rourke

1. Mickey Rourke is in it.
2. Amazing inspirational hair metal every time Mickey Rourke is in his pickup truck even in the plaintive moments.
   
3. Wrestling fans. Freaks and creeps. All fat. Some midgets and wheelchair bound.
4. Mickey Rourke is in it.
5. There's a scene where Mickey Rourke goes shopping for op shop clothes for his daughter. Hilarious. Rocky Bulboa/Adrienne style hilarious.
6. Blood. Plenty of blood.
7. Mickey Rourke is in it.
8. These days we don't get to see the American flag all that often. This film rectifies the problem.
9. There's a scene where Mickey Rourke gets a haircut. Hilarious. Rocky Balboa/Vidal Sassoon style hilarious.
10. Mickey Rourke is in it.
11. Mickey Rourke's name-tag when working in the deli.
    
12. Bruce Springsteen's beautiful ditty written just for the film during the closing credits.
13. Mickey Rourke is in it.
14. Mickey Rourke's body.
15. Mickey Rourke's face.
16. There's a scene where Mickey Rourke visits a solarium. Hilarious. Rocky Balboa/Peter Andre style hilarious.
    
17. Mickey Rourke's slurred speech patterns.
18. Mickey Rourke's dancing.
19. Mickey Rourke's pervert opponent who doesn't like running all that much.
    
20. Mickey Rourke is in it.

Pee-ow!

Still recovering from hiring The Kite Runner last weekend.

Only really liked the slingshot scene so here's Rufus Hussey, the best gawdamn slingshotter who ever lived.

The Top Songs Played On My Ipod 2008

This past year, a record breaking, 14 of the top 25 songs played on my ipod are by Tom Waits. So first, here's 2008's top ten including Tom's songs.

1. Lonely - Tom Waits
2. Grapefruit Moon - Tom Waits
3. Sunswept Sunday - Duke Ellington
4. Blue - The Jayhawks
5. Head Full Of Steam - The Go-Betweens
6. Lullabye For Christie - Dirty Three
7. Train Song - Tom Waits
8. Innocent When You Dream - Tom Waits
9. Diamonds On My Windshield - Tom Waits
10. The Heart Of Saturday Night - Tom Waits

Also, because my ipod is set to wake me up in the morning, some songs like Sunswept Sunday by Duke Ellington and Sweet Thing by Van Morrison muck up the top 25 because they're repeated most mornings. So now, the top 25 non wakey wakey songs not by Tom Waits played on my ipod in 2008.

1. Blue - The Jayhawks
2. Head Full Of Steam - The Go-Betweens
3. Lullabye For Christie - Dirty Three
4. Fall On My Knees - Samamidon
5. White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
6. Your Happiness - Compulsive Gamblers
7. Saro - Samamidon
8. If You Can't Give Me Everything - The Reigning Sound
9. Apology Accepted - Go Betweens
10. All Mixed Up - Red House Painters
11. Stop And Think It's Over - Compulsive Gamblers
12. Find Me Now - Reigning Sound
13. Stormy Weather - Reigning Sound
14. I'd Much Rather Be With The Boys - Reigning Sound
15. Time Bomb High School - Reigning Sound
16. Little Johnny Brown - Samamidon
17. Lucky Ones - Broken Social Scene Featuring Kevin Drew
18. You're Not As Pretty - Reigning Sound
19. Swingin' Party - The Replacements
20. Be My Baby - The Ronnettes
21. Fiesta - Ween
22. Goo Goo Muck - The Cramps
23. Reel Around The Fountain - The Smiths
24. I'm Your Puppet - James & Bobby Purify
25. The Dark End Of The Street - Roy Hamilton

Yes, again these lists suggest I'm a miserable bastard but I reckon it's looking like 2009's playlists will be a little more peppy.

Here's a link to my previous end of year ipod charts.

Chris Ware On This American Life

I don't know too many contemporary comic artists but I do know Chris Ware.

From his New Yorker covers to his Quimby the Mouse books, I've loved everything I've seen him do.

Here he is animating a story on the television version of the wonderful, This American Life.

Okay, the video box is a little wide for the column but I reckon it plays better that way.

1,2,3,4,5,67,89,10,11,12

Who doesn't LOVE this?

Performed by The Pointer Sisters and first aired on Sesame Street in 1976.

Congrats to Obama and America

I'd Give One Of Me Balls To...

Often while listening to music I close my eyes and imagine if it was me singing said song to a fervently attentive audience at The Continental (now a footballers' haunt).

I'd give one of me balls to skat like Kurt Elling, tap dance like the Nicholas brothers, finger pick like Matt Walker, croon like Tom Waits or play and sing Big Star's Watch the Sunrise live.

Australian Idol contestant, Wes Carr always wanted to Michael Jackson dance on national TV. I mean, who doesn't?

Last Sunday his dream came true.

And it was fricken fantastic.

To All Them Peoples Having Babies Out There

Dopeness by genius hip hop people, Plastic Little.

The Feel Good Hit Of The Summer

I've watched this ten times today.

I love Tippa Irie's Reggie Hollis from The Bill accent.

And his silly little dance...

Wow.

My New Food Blog Thingy

Here's a taster from my new recipes, food, drink and celebrity chef watching blog, Om Nom Nom Nom Nom.


When killjoy nutritionist Rosemary Stanton saw me about to tuck into this fried scallop stuffed hamburger with the lot, she tried to punch me in the man breast. Because her punching bones weren't ready for action after the transplant with the punching bones of a retired fighting cock, Rosemary's attack was hilarious.

Humiliated, she floated away.

Like a ghost.

In the frenzy some fat dripped out of the burger, burning a hole into my trousers.

From the Coach's Desk

This year I coached the wonderful Melbourne Magpies who played in the Reclink (Choir of Hard Knocks people), football league for disadvantaged footballers.

We only lost the B Grade Grand Final by a couple kicks in the last minutes against Sacred Heart Mission who had beaten us earlier in the year by 20 goals.

Here's my coach's report which appeared in this year's Grand Final footy record.

From a small group of strangers out for a kick on a Wednesday, we're now a team of disciplined, tightly loyal mates ready to do anything for each other on the footy field. We knew we had something when from the first match we came within a kick of beating one of the skillful teams in the completion. From that point we knew we were onto something special.

From Ash running down the wing, kicking it long to a Jordan lead, to Boonie at the bottom of every pack, Melbourne's Magpies have everything you'd want to watch in a footy team.

Every team member has made incredible progress this year: Hukka's courage under the pump; Jade's freakish tenacity against blokes three times his size and age; Bugsy's persistence even when we're down many goals; Random's cocky flair; Josh yelling "Ronaldino!" whenever he kicks it off the ground; Shrek and Ray always willing to take the grab when under extreme pressure; the Liddy brothers kicking dozens of goals between them; Paul Perry's freakish ability to pick himself up after a huge bump; old stager, Bill showing the kids what guts on the footy field's all about and the other old bloke, Paul showing the way with his reliable kicking; Brad, with his uncanny game sense to find himself free up forward; Dale, an old fashioned, quiet but tough backman; JK the gentle giant in ruck; Jerny's dangerously hard training ethic; Harley, a footballing freak for someone so new to the game

Not only have our players individually faced huge obstacles to get on the ground each week, so too has our footy club in getting everything together to field a competitive and much importantly a fun gameday for all – a testament to the fine values of the Reclink Football League.

None of this would have been possible without Fran, Ramez, Nicola and staff at Living Room, Hutchy and John (all handy on the footy field), at Brunswick Youth Services, Tim at St Marks Community Centre, St Marys House of Welcome, The Collingwood Football Club and Brian at the VAFA Umpiring Association and much support from many other friends, families and volunteers who've helped along the way.

Hot pies!

I must again thank my great mate, Nicola for urging me to have a shot at this incredible gig.

Vale Paul Newman

The Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head scene from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Five of the most gorgeous minutes ever filmed.

Sad day.

Ripper bloke.

This Woman Could Be The Next Vice President

No, really.

Katie Couric is gobsmacked.

And then she tries foriegn policy...


Please tell me this isn't real.

The Brownlow: Television and Football's Night of Nights: Toast Time

Ladies and gentlemen, please charge your glasses...

Quarterbrain's first question. "Tell us about your childhood."

I'm bored by the interview already. Hold on, there's a story about some teammates who died on the field. Thanks Quarterbrain. Bring back the trauma. He's sad now.

Gary Ablett looks a bit miffed. Poor bastard. Adam Cooney is sorta funny. He's thirsty. "I need this," while taking a skull of champers. Then more some talk about his kid and his kinda hot fiancee, Hailey. Bastard stole my idea of proposing marriage with a Burger Ring. That was so my idea. Next we'll hear that The Breadmakers will be playing at their wedding. He hasn't rang his nanna for a couple weeks. Innat nice. Richo thought it was funny too. Another poor bastard.

But I've seen Adam Cooney play and he's a fricken good player. Lot of time for him and his club, Footscray. No matter what you throw at Adam Cooney, you can't bring him to the ground. Whole bucks parties have tried to tip him over like a cow late at night and they can't even get close. One of the toughest, more honest players out there.

A worthy winner.

But it would have been better if Richo got it.

The Brownlow: Television and Football's Night of Nights: Almost There Now

Seven hours in and only three rounds to go. Black on 23, four ahead of Richo.

Round 19 and Steven Milne's face puffs up like one of those fish and our Prime Minister claps like a simpleton. Brent Harvey is on 17 now. Cooney on 21! Black no votes. They played against each other. Ableeeettt on 22! He's back. He might get it. I'm exciterated.

RICHO ON 22 VOTES!! GO RICHO!!!

Round 21. This is so excitement. Bartel got 37 touches so he will steal from Ablett. Here goes..... Pendles three votes. Next... Geelong C Ling one vote. J Selwood 2 votes. North Melbourne D Hale 3 votes!! Juddy three against Black. GO RICHO!!! No votes. It's gointg to the last . Cooney in the lead 24 votes!! Richo needs a best on ground.

Round 22. I reckon Cooney has it. Swan hasn't won it. Juddy hasn't won it. Harvey hasn't won it. Geelong... S Jonson 1 vote. J Bartel 2 votes. C Ling 3 votes! Ablett hasn't won it. Black hasn't won it!!! Go RIcho!!! Here it goes!!! NOOOOEEEESSSSS!!!!

ADAM COONEY THE WINNER OF THE 2008 BROWNLOW MEDAL!!!

The Brownlow: Television and Football's Night of Nights: Round 17 or Something

Richo could win this. No seriously.

Round 18: Didak and Shaw out for the rest of the season. A tragedy. I love Alan like a brother.

Pavlich creeping up at 17. Buddy at 17. Richo has left his table. He should have got votes that game against Geelong.

Round 19 and we killed St Kilda dead. I can't remember who played well that game. I was too sad about Alan. Harry and Leon get votes. Yay Harry! Goodes could get the points to win but he was suspended. Geelong stealing votes from each other. Richo gets no votes. Judd moves to 13 votes. Brent Harvey is at 14.

I tells ya. Favorites don't come near winning Brownlows. No matter who wins this, there's gonna be a LOT of whingeing tomorrow.

The Brownlow: Television and Football's Night of Nights: Back to the Votes

All the showbag contents have been eaten and I'm getting edgy. Round 15 montage and we won't see votes from Ablett for a few weeks. Pendles gets his 4th vote. That's what happens if you're not prepared to run hard and make hard decisions etc. Geelong players stealing votes from each other. Simon Black clear leader by four. He will win.

Round 16. None of the favorites near it. No votes for the Pies this round. Brent Harvey's wife shouldn't sit like that. Judd gets his 10th vote. RICHO IS ON 19! Four behind Black.

Urgent report from Melissa at the bogue fashions desk.

FASHION FAUX PAS ALERT!!! Sandra Sulley is wearing the dress Shelly Craft wore to the Logies this year. AARRGGGHHH!!!

Sandra. That is a disgrace.

The Brownlow: Television and Football's Night of Nights: Breather Time

The Robert Harvey tribute has hit its ninth hour. There's a guy playing sax and Kate Ceberano singing Oh When The Saints. Also The Bloods coach (my other team and the team Harvey will play for next year with any luck), Jamie Shanahan is there with a lot of old blokes to welcome him on stage for what will be the most enduring trial of his career... an interview with Steve Quarterbrain.

At last a Bnnings ad! What are we going to do this weekend Bunnings bogan staff member guy? Put up some lattice! Think about grasses. Think about tomatos. Thanks Mr Bunnings Bogan Staff Member Guy!

The Brownlow: Television and Football's Night of Nights: Montage 87

Michael Voss is giving a speech about Robert Harvey so click here for a tribute to everybody's favorite number 35.