Monday, September 26, 2016

Brownlow 16: I'm Packing It In. Dangerfield Wins The Brownlow (I assume).

Patrick Dangerfield, best dressed Brownlow winner since Greame Teasdale
Gil doing the slow read for drama. Too late dude. Just when we settle in, there's another ad break filled with beer, sports vitamins and betting ads. Then a Friday Front Bar thing which otherwise would be amusing but it's after 10pm and we have shitloads more votes to count.

Round 15 read by Merv Hughes. At last we're back. I don't know if I want to keep doing this. But I started. I do it every year. Bont gets one to move to 11. Parker shares the lead with Dangerfield. This could actually get exciting if they let it happen.

ANOTHER AD BREAK. 

For fuck's sake. 

I'm thinking of turning it in. 

It's that tedious.

Denis Commeti tribute. 

Just.

Count.

The.

Votes.

Round 16 and its 10:20pm. I shit you not. Dangerfield only ahead by one vote. Bont gets a vote so this means we need to interview him. Gosh. 

Round 17 montage is read by Guy Sebastian. Gil reading fast. He's the only one who wants to get it done. No votes to Parker who stays on 20. Dustin Martin moves to 19. Dangerfield boringly goes onto 24. I have a strange feeling we're going to an ad break.

Round 18. I nodded off during the montage. Dustin Martin is equal second on votes and drink count. 

Round 19 read by the guy from Eskimo Joe. It's 1999 night at the casino tonight. No votes to Parker. Dangerfield moves to 28. That's 8 ahead with 4 rounds to go. 

If we go to an ad break, I'm going to bed. 

Yep. 

That's it. 

I've had enough. 

I'm off to bed.

If you stay up to the end, look for the Tobin Bros or John Allison Monkhouse in the closing credits.

I assume Patrick Dangerfield wins it. 

Brownlow 16: I'm Starting To Question It All.

When we question the Brownlow, we question our existence.
Back to typing after Alex Lloyd singing his Amazing song to a montage of retirees.

Is this a wake?

Is anyone still awake?

Tonight is the dullest production I can remember. It's so drab and earnest. No colour. No movement. Barely any cringe. I'm even bored. I NEVER GET BORED ON BROWNLOW NIGHT. What has happened to me?

R I OK?

Am I?

I'm starting to question everything.

Back to reading votes. Round 12 and Bont moves to 10. Parker no votes stays on 14. Dustin Martin moves to 11. Dangerfield moves to the lead on 17. He had 47 possessions that day. But you can only get 3 votes a game.

Round 13 read by Mick Molloy. Luke Parker still getting shitloads of votes.

Cut to a tribute to Paul Couch.

Yep.

Tonight's Brownlow is a wake.


Brownlow 16: Molly Was Just On And Contrary To Popular Thought, Dangerfield Hasn't Won Yet.


Round 8 read by a jockey who was banned once for betting against a rival horse. This gambling thing has taken hold of the Brownlow. I'm too annoyed to say anything more about the round.

Round 9 read by MOLLY. Phew. A good bloke to get me happy again. Pies beat Geelong that week. It was amazing. One of the year's only highlights. Get my first look at Cotchin's hair. It's lovely and fluffy. Luke Parker onto the lead with 15 votes over Dangerfield's 14.

Round 10 Cyril get s his 4th vote. No change to the top few votes. All the pundits are wrong so far about Dangerfield winning it before the halfway mark of the season. They make this mistake EVERY YEAR. It's hilarious.


Brownlow 16: Tim Rogers Was Just On.


Round 4 and 5. It's a drab affair. No vibe. Nobody is drunk. You can cut the tedium with a knife. It's so quiet in there, you can almost hear the rain hitting the casino roof. We need some entertainment on stage stat. Alyssa Camplin, pies board member, Olympian reads the montage. She's good. ANZAC Day round. Dangerfield on 8. Parker on 10. According to the TV, Dangerfield is best on ground for pretty much every game from now on.

Montage of old players. A bunch of 300, 350 and 400 something game players. Then it fades out to a talent show ad. The biggest noise I've heard on my TV for 20 minutes.

There's a responsible gambling ad followed by a horse racing carnival ad followed an ad for savoury shapes. The crosses to the gambling houses will be on a bit later. We live in a strange, inconsistent world.

Round 6 read by Kokkinakis, the tennis player. Dangerfield on 11. Luke Parker leading with 13. He had a great year. I love it when the votes don't go the way all the experts predicted.

Round 7 read by footy's second voiceover voice after that guy you hear at the footy all the time, TIM ROGERS. Best job so far. So much pizazz with Berlin Chair in the background. If I was producing this thing there would be more of that. Dangerfield on 14.

Cut to a betting shill talking odds. Didn't take long to shit all over that responsible gambling ad from the last ad break.

Brownlow 16: Let the Votes Begin And Of Course, Greame Teasdale's Suit

Geez, it just started. No arsing about*. Just straight into the votes. No montages. No bullshit. Just straight to the counting. Strange television.

Then after the first round of votes there's an interview with Greame Teasdale ABOUT THAT SUIT.


He seems a bit annoyed about 'that stinking brown suit'. He shouldn't be. It was pure genius. I didn't think I'd be talking about the suit this early. Geez, channel seven. Peaking too early. It's not even 8:30.

Round 2: Eddie Betts gets 2 votes and Cyril gets 1. In my world of beautiful footy, both would be favourites for tonight but you know, mid fielder medal and all that.

Round 3: They have members of the public reading the montages. Bringing it back to the fans or whatever. Usually they have old previous winners or Nobel laureates reading it but this year, it's people. Dunno if it's going to work. Dangerfield on 6 votes. Aaron Hall on an amazing 9 votes.

*Chucking a brown eye became illegal today.

Brownlow 16: Two Sports Casters Walk Onto A Basketball Court

So two channel 7 sports casters walk into a Peter Jackson suit shop to get some suits. It's gripping television. On the way home they play a game of basketball in their suits. Then they go skateboarding in their suits. Then they go to a work site in their suits. Then they go out to chop some wood in their suits. And then everyone who was subjected to their skit started to weep. All of Australia, weeping.

Then we go back to the red carpet. Marc Murphy's partner is talking a lot about her get up. Everyone watching has stopped with their weeping. Whatever she's saying isn't sinking in. It's what she's wearing. You'll see it a lot in the next few days. I won't describe it.

Pendles and Alex Pendles are talking about something or rather. I'm already in a daze. 

Thank Christ. The Red Carpet is over. Let's get on with it.


Brownlow 15: Let's Do This Thing.

Brownlow live blog HQ.
I'm doing it again.

Typing along to the Brownlow like I always do.

Sorry.

I can't resist. 

I was just doing the dishes and thought, "Why on earth do I do this? Is it for the fame? Is it because I like typing fast? Is it because of habit? Should I take this watch off when I do the dishes? What is the point of an Apple watch? Only 7,000 steps? etc"

The real answer is you, the viewers. 

No. I lie. 

The real answer is that it winds Lucy up. I love what it does to her. She will say, "Why do they televise this? It's just a bloke reading names!" several times through the evening. Actually, she's organised to go out for an hour to get away from it. But she should know that the Brownlow, Football's Night Of Nights will still be motoring on until 4am because it never stops. 

So without further Erykah Badu, open the envelopes, it's time to get counting!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Brownlow 15: Nat Fyfe Wins The Chocolates.

Round 16,032. Priddis needs five votes. How will he go? I just had a look at twitter. Oh God. People are actually watching and tweeting about QandA. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE. THE BROWNLOW IS ON. Back to the vote. Adelaide v West Coast.... No votes to Priddis.

Nat Fyfe has just won the 2015 Brownlow Medal.

He has a broken leg and a walking stick to walk onto stage.

This is him walking onto stage with his walking stick to accept his Brownlow Medal.


Amazing.

He played that final last weekend with a broken leg but as he says to Bruce just now, you walk onto the ground and you're fit enough to play.

And he's a nice guy too. The interview is a bit slow because he is so nice. You can't not like him. He's just told a little story about almost crying when Richo didn't win the Brownlow years ago.

The way he thanks his team mates. "This medal is a friend to all of you." So cool.

Nat Fyfe has Pat Rafter charm and cool. Plays like a beast. Puts it all down to his team mates. What's not to love?

Geez. He's a good guy.

I can't type anything stupid about it.

Good night.



Brownlow 15: We're On The Home Stretch. Blue Lagoon Guy Catching the Guy With the Lips.

Round 20. I'm getting tired but I type on. Dangerfield gets some votes. Dane Swan onto 17. Mitchell onto 23. West Coast game. Lots of pauses.... No votes to Priddis. Three rounds to go. Priddis can still win it.

Michael Barlow does some joke material.

Here's a screen shot.

Michael Barlow doing jokes at the Brownlow, TV and Footy's Night of Nights.
No idea why but Bruce seems to think it's funny.

R15. Read by Daniel Hannebery. This is the round they rigged it for Fyfe not to be suspended. Players on all tables sucking back the Crownies. Who drinks Crownies anyway? But I would if I was at the Brownlow because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. Priddis gets 2 votes! Onto 27. Needs to get 5 votes in two rounds.

WE'VE GOT THE CLOSE ONE TOMMY.


Brownlow 15: Priddis Catching Up and the Obligatory Graham Teasdale Photo.

Obligatory Graham Teasdale photo
Jobe Watson reads R18 very deliberately. This round was the round the AFL world (most of them) showed their support for Adam Goodes. The people who were still booing are racists. Votes. None for Fyfe because his leg had fallen off by this round. Hannebery gets 3 and moves to 22! Priddis onto 23! They need to keep going.

R19 read by Brownlow 2015 winner (according to the poor web admin person who accidentally hit publish), Sam Mitchell. I lost my money on Pendles winning this rounds and rounds ago. Paddy Dangerfield looking comfortable sitting with his ex team mates. Priddis gets 3 votes! 25 to Fyfe's 31.

Who will win it?

Fashion?

No.

Football?

No.

Mitch Fifield?

No.

Nat Fyfe?

Most likely.

Brownlow 15: Another Woman Onstage Talking About Footy.

R15. McLaughin' still going like the clappers. Any faster and he'll explode.

Fyfe 10 ahead of Blue Lagoon man and Sam Mitchell. I think Fyfe has won it. The others need to get three votes every round from now on. Impossible.

Now a Matt Priddis montage and an ad break.

R16. I think it's Sam Mitchell talking. He's good at reading. Goldstein on 13. Who put money on him today? Smart people. Waiting for McLaughin pausing at the right bits. Mitchell and Priddis no votes.

Hold on.

Hasn't Fyfe already won it?

I'm bad at maths.

Tayla Harris, another gun footballer, presents mark of the year to Nic Nat.

Here's Tayla.


R17. Crowd quiet. Bored. Fyfe is so far ahead. Priddis gets to 21. Fyfe on 31. Six rounds to go. I'm confused. Press publish, Glenn.

Brownlow 15: Fyfe Ahead By A...HOLD ON IS THAT GRAHAM TEASDALE?

Matt Priddis and his partner watch proceedings from the Perth studio.
R14. Read by Luke Hodge. He punches the cameraman in the face. Matt Priddis doing well but not quite as well as Fyfe. But Fyfe's leg falls off in a couple of rounds. I have a good feeling about Priddis.

And then Graham Teasdale wins the community award!

Nice threads.
R15. Fyfe well ahead. 

Patrick Keane has tweeted that they accidentally published that Sam Mitchell page. They had prepared six of them for the six favourites. 

So move on. 

Nothing to see here.

Brownlow 15: Sam Mitchell is the Talk of the Town.



R10. I've missed a couple of rounds. I'm back on now. Fyfe on 20. Hannebery on 16. Cloke got votes. Yes, Travis Cloke got a best on ground. He has it in him. Oh well. Juddy out of the running because he did his knee this round. Bye Juddy, you annoying vote magnet.

Montage about Nat Fyfe. I get it. He's like a perfect person. Gorgeous blonde locks. Ball magnet. Plays with a broken leg.

The Sam Mitchell leak has made tonight interestinger. He dropped from 11 to 1 down to 3 to 1 in five minutes. Let's watch.

R11. Priddis on 19. Goldstein another supposed favourite only on something like five votes.

R12. Read by Marc Murphy. Straight reading. He would do Pinter well. McLaughin' not slowing down his reading. The girls should sit up straight with those plunging necklines. If you know one, SMS her. You'll be doing her a favour. Sam Mitchell nowhere near the lead. I have a feeling it's just a mistaken publish of one of several pages like that set up by a dumb web developer.


Brownlow 15: All Hail Daisy Pearce, Gun Footballer.

Daisy Pearce. Gun footballer.
Oh wow.

A woman on stage talking about football.

Daisy Pearce.

Gun footballer.

They haven't asked her who or what she's wearing.

She's just talking footy.

First ever female onstage Brownlow role.

Gives Eddy Betts Goal of the Year.

Awesome.

Piss off all this red carpet shit.

I want my girl, Martha to be a gun footballer like Daisy Pearce.

Go footy.

Brownlow 15: LEAK. Sam Mitchell Has Already Won It*.

Sam Mitchell Brownlow 2015 Medalist (image altered)
You can buy a signed jumper by 2015 Brownlow Medalist Sam Mitchell here on the AFL online shit merchandise store.

Another round down and Fyfe gets more votes and we flick over to an ad about some doco channel 7 have made about footballers. It's all a bit drab and serious. It promises 'unprecedented access' with players talking to each other on the field and going surfing and shit. I prefer my footballers to be a mystery. I don't want to hear them speak.

I've gone back to that Sam Mitchell page. It's been taken offline. You'll hear about this quite a bit in the next day or two.

* Probably not.



Brownlow 15: Trent Cotchin's Hair Is Gorgeous.

R4. Read by Pendles. Silky delivery. Weaving through the pack of shit words he's been given to read like slow motion. It's gorgeous to listen to. Votes? I've never heard of Alipate Carlile? Sure he's a thing? Priddis has four votes. Lin Jong got a couple. About eight players equal on six votes. Fyfe isn't leading.

There's a kid interviewing people on the red carpet. He's quite good. They should get him to read the votes.

OH GOD. I JUST GOT A LOOK AT TRENT COTCHIN'S HAIR. IT'S FRESHLY CUT YET STILL GLORIOUS.

I won't post a picture. Just close your eyes and think of something wonderful.

R5. Read by Dyson Heppell. Sounds like he's reading a form guide to his bored mum. Pendles gets some votes. I have money on him. Money I will lose. Hannebery got votes. Sam Mitchell got some votes. Ex Carlton players are getting votes all over the place. Fyfe leading with Hannebery on nine.

R6. Read by Joel Selwood. He keeps ducking off mic. Unprofessional. Fyfe onto 11. It's a bit annoying when favourites get votes. It's all so fast. It's like a dream. Everyone is in a hurry. Montage time.

Brownlow 15: I Feel Sorry For My Wife

One Brownlow tradition is my wife, Lucy complaining all night about TV and Sport's Night of Nights. Usually it's "I can't believe they televise this". I like that one but already in a group text she's nailed the Red Carpet with...

"I'm disgusted by it. This shit shouldn't happen in Turnbull's Australia."

Perfect. 

And now it's...

"I'm going to do the dishes and clean the bathroom. I can't stand this anymore."

Lucy. It's only been 10 minutes.

R2. Didn't pick up which player is narrating. He sounds like he's pretty new to that whole 'reading' thing. Votes. Dangerfield gets one vote and moves to three. Fyfe gets his first three votes. Goldstein gets one. 

R3. Rad by Fyfe. So much pizzaz in his reading. He is actually jiggling his hips to bring home the dud jokes provided to him. Who writes this shit? "I don't care, I'm a showman," says Fyfe. Pendles moves to three. Judd gets one vote. Definitely will win this Brownlow. 

A swallow got a vote. 

A swallow, yesterday.
I need a drink already.

Brownlow 15: Bugger The Red Carpet. Here's The Big Dance.

"It's a Brownlow count like no other."

It's not. It will be exactly the same as it always is. A man reading votes, montages and blokes getting pissed on Crownies. It starts with James Blunt, rhymes with bunt, singing one of his shit songs.

Gillon McLaughin' calls quorum and away we go.

Fantastic footage of a body builder armor guard guy delivering the votes. He looks like Fabio.

VOTES AT LAST.

R1. Read by Matt Priddis. He's okay at reading. His hair looks like Fabio tonight. Does he wash it much? Bryce Gibbs getting the first vote for the night. He leads for 0.15 of a second. McLaughin' is fast. I hope he slows down.

You know what he sounds like? The LMCT 717171717117 guy in car dealer radio ads.

No votes for the favourites. And then a montage dedicated to Todd Goldstein. In the misheard lyric of some Black Eyed Peas song, tonight's gonna be a long night.

Brownlow 15: Red Carpet Stupidity.



Apparently the hottest accessory for tonight's ladies is a baby bump.

No shit.

A grown up person said that on air.

The big phrase tonight is 'fashion forward' or as people in fashion call it, FF. I have no idea what it means. Well, it could mean wearing lots of black make up, hot pants under a see through skirt, having a dress made of all the shapes Pythagoras hadn't thought of, or in the blokes' case, a black suit and tie.

Here's Jack Reiwoldt doing his best impersonation of a full forward fashion forward.



There's been too many ads already. I know. This is the time you pay the most for ads because everyone is watching but some red carpet footage would be useful right now.

Quick observations. Jared and Clem McVeigh look stunning. Sorry, I meant hungry. James Bartel is wearing blue. Boo. Nadia Bartel is very perjures. Pendles and Alex Davis are didn't look like they enjoyed their inane interview. The McLachlan brothers are annoying. Oh God. One of them is reading the votes tonight.

Brownlow 15: Here We Go Again.

Dane Swan's lovely partner Taylor Wilson (pic Quinn Rooney, The Age)
So here we are. Another year of Brownlows, TV and Sports' Night of Nights.

It's not all about the ladies. It's about the votes. 

I will talk about the ladies too, I suppose.

I'll be here, typing all night.

Let's go.