Friday, June 27, 2014

All The Luis Suarez Jokes I've Come Up With In The Past 48 Hours.

Luis Suarez, yesterday.
I've had so much fun with this.

Here they are. All of them in one bite sized blog post. Some of them I'm proud of, others not so. I'll add more as they come to mind.

What's for dinner tonight Luis Suarez? 
"Italian." 
What, pasta? Pizza?
"No. Italians."

Luis Suarez banned from entering any football ground for four months. In the meantime, he plans to get his opposition defenders home delivered.

Luis Suarez banned for 9 courses.

Q) What does Luis Suarez call the Italian players he didn't bite? 
A) Leftovers.

Suarez samples the finest Italian shoulder ham.

Italy. Once bitten. Twice shy.

Uruguay have made it to the second course of the World Cup.

'I put a lot of love into my shoulder. It was my grandmother's recipe,' Giorgio Chiellini explains.

What Liverpool really wanted was for ASADA to be investigating the case. They wouldn't have a decision well until the second year of his Barcelona contract.

'Strawberries and cream not exactly my thing': Suarez quashes Wimbledon appearance rumours.

"See all those goals for Liverpool and Uruguay? I kicked all those goals. But nobody calls me Luis Suarez, the goal kicker. But BITE THREE PEOPLE..."

'Lacked seasoning': Suarez furious about Chiellini's cold shoulder treatment.

To most players, a beautifully weighted ball hovering over a flat footed centre back's shoulder is a goal opportunity, but for Suarez, it's lunch.

The Canni-ball of God.

Liverpool fans defending Suarez have a chip bitten out of their shoulder.

Most people worry about eating raw meat because of salmonella. For Suarez, it's how many games he's going to miss.

Q) Where did flight MH370 go? 
A) Luis Suarez ate it.

Q) What do you get when you cross a mad Uruguayan goal genius and a prime piece of Italian shoulder? 
A) A nine international match suspension and a four month ban from all football related activity.

Luis Suarez ate my homework.

new...

Luis Suarez, James Hird and Rolf Harris walk into a bar. Barman says, "Guys. I'm really scared about where this joke is heading so we're closed."

Would you like to see the menu, Mr Suarez? 'No thanks.' And would you like to see the wine list, Mr Carney?' No thanks.


Monday, May 19, 2014

Richmond And Jeep Gutsy Enough To Film Drive Home Proud Videos After a Loss.

One of the pains as a freelance copywriter is that so often you see your ideas die a death of a thousand cuts from the moment you leave the building.

Not this time. My Jeep and Richmond Drive Home Proud campaign idea is not only alive, it's being handled and developed exactly how it was intended.

Good on the people at Cummins & Partners, Jeep and Richmond for for keeping the campaign going.

And of course, good on Trent Cotchin and Dylan Grimes for doing the videos. They would've been pretty hard to do.

Here's Trent Cotchin driving home after losing to Melbourne on the weekend.

And here's Dylan Grimes after losing to Collingwood a few weeks ago.
Now go out there Tigers and win some games.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My TV Recap Of The MKR Grand Final Episode.

I don't know or care about these happy ladies.
I changed the channel and watched something else.

Awful show.

Monday, March 31, 2014

The Very Naughty Inspector Element


This is from Inspector Element, a tumblr of hacked and defaced online news stories.

Why is it called Inspector Element?

Well, in chrome right click on a website.

Now 'inspect element'.

Oooh.

Yes, you can be naughty too.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Brownlow 2013: Gary Ablett Wins It.

Here's a Gary winning a Brownlow photo we prepared earlier.
Joel Selwood doesn't duck Bruce's questions. He reckons Gary Jr will win. He would say that.

Round 23. Greg Williams again. I'm not sure how popular a winner Joel Selwood will be. He's an amazing player. Looking at his stats today he has to win it. But people don't like his ducking. Screen on the big three. Swan drinking. The other two aren't. Swan is wearing a MASSIVE watch. He takes another swig. Geelong votes. No votes to Selwood!!!

Collingwood game. Pendles 2. Someone in the crowd yells "Fuck you!" It wasn't me. No votes to Dane Swan. Gary gets 3 to win the Brownlow by one vote over Joel Selwood and Dane Swan.

The crowd doesn't sound ecstatic.

"Joel deserves it just as much as I do." Gary Ablett jr says he's 'shattered' to win it.

"In my opinion my dad is the best player to have played the game."

Well done to an incredible footballer.

Now I need a lie down.

Brownlow 2013: Selwood Ducks Into The Lead.

Joel Selwood yesterday.
Ablett 25. Selwood 24. Swan 23.

I missed the Round 21 montage because I was out getting a biscuit. I just spilt a drink. But I must type in this puddle. This is the dedication I show to you, the reader. Kurt Tippet just got his second vote. Andy D reading slowly for effect. Swan gets one vote against Hawthorn in a loss. Selwood ducks into the lead on 27. Umpires love him.

Round 22 by Simon Black. A serviceable read. No votes to Ablett. Geelong. Selwood should get some. But he doesn't! Now to the Collingwood game.... Collingwood. Pendles 1 vote. Swan 2 votes! Josh Thomas gets 3 votes. I like Josh Thomas. Good player. Bit of an annoying accent but.

I've been running with that joke all year.

My each way bet for Swan looks like it might come through. 



Brownlow 2013: Proof That The Brownlow Isn't The Most Boring Thing On TV


Round 19 is commentated by Greg Williams. He is not the best reader tonight. He's doing his best though. This was the week my pies were beaten by one of those new teams. No votes to Swan this time. Buddy gets his 5th vote. I'm wrong. Swan gets 3. Moves to 21. I'm getting a little excited. Selwood also ducks into 21.

Round 20 and Woewodin is reading again. Remember when he won a Brownlow? This game against Essington I think Swan gets lots of votes. This could get interesting. Well, it's the Brownlow, an aggressively uninteresting affair.

Come on Swannnnnie.... No votes.

Ablett still up by 4 over Hannebery, Selwood and Swannnnnnie.

Twitter tells me that David Suzuki is on QandA.

And you thought the Brownlow was the most boring thing on television?


Brownlow 2013: Channel 7 People Are Humourless.

Peter Cook is funny. Channel 7 people are not.
Channel 7 probably have the world's worst comedy writers working for them. Not probably. Definitely. They just had this thing with footage of a spaceman saying that Aussie Rules players jump very high. No. You didn't just have to be there. It wasn't funny.

Round 16 and Michael Voss is back. It's so good that Chris Judd is still only on 5 votes. It feels like something is right with the world. It's been ages since Gary Jr has got a vote. Now moves to 21. Selwood moves to 16. Swan on 18.

Round 17 by Kelvin Templeton. Butter milk smooth delivery. Very impressive. Now to votes. Dustin Martin on 13. He's not drinking. He doesn't even look 'troubled'. Andy D is slowing down votes for effect. Selwood on 18. Hannebery on 21. Gary on 24.

Lingy missed his cue and interrupted Andy D for another boring interview. This time with Selwood. No need to duck Lingy's dull and inoffensive questions.

Brownlow 2013: Enough Dipper Already.

Dipper back when the newspapers thought he was a racist.
Now Dipper is hosting a dinner party for Brownlow medalists. Part My Kitchen Rules, part Godfather 3, it's very awkward TV. Channel 7 and AFL doing their best to revive his media career after that racist thing.

Zac Smith gets the Do Gooders Award. "You can't write that Peters!" you cry. I did. Only because you were all thinking it.

Round 13 hosted by Shane Woewodin. He won a Brownlow once. Anyway. No votes to Hannebery or Ablett. Round 14 and Peter Moore is back. Moore-some. I'm losing hope that Dane Swan will get even a place in this thing. Ablett not any votes for two rounds.

Now for fellow Boxcutter, Dave Lawson and that Adam Zwar guy doing the funny bits of the year. The funny bit with Bruce McAvaney running across a football field was indeed, a funny bit.

Round 15 by Brian Gleeson. He won it in 1957. He looks angry but sounds kind. Swallow moves to 14. Jack to 11 and Trent Cotchin still has nice hair.  Selwood ducks his head to 14. Dane Swan equal 4th on 16. I need him to come third to win my Brownlow money back.

Brownlow 2013: 2013 The Year Of Much Embarrassment.

Andre Agassi yesterday.
Andrew Agassi commentates the montage about this year's retired players. I feel touched. In a good way of course. Look. It was weird.

Round 11. Why is Dippa doing another one? Still can't understand a word he's saying. Joel Selwood is on 11. Dan Hannebery and Gary Jr are both on 18. Far ahead. Dane Swan gets to 10. Pendles on 9.

Round 12. Bucks again. I don't like this doubling up of the montage commentaries. It's unprofessional. Bad form Channel 7. Bad form. Luke Hodge up there-ish on 11. Dangerfield on 16. Ablett on 20. This is getting ridiculous. Pendles on 11. Swan on 13.

Bruce says Bobby Skilton is sick. I hope he gets better. I love Bobby. Now another great Swans name Adam Goodes gets his own montage. I'm so happy I was overseas when all that Eddie bullshit went down. One of 2013's most embarrassing moments.

2013 was an embarrassing year to be a football supporter.

Brownlow 2013: Fred And Gary Make Adam Sound Like A Child.

Fred Goldsmith yesterday.
Round 7 and it's Michael Voss commentating. Average. Swallow is leading. Gary Jnr not too close. Jobe Watson embarrassing everyone by being up there on nine. Trent Cotchin still has nice hair.

Round 8 and we have 1955 Brownlow medalist Fred Goldsmith. Great performance. Love hearing an old guy say "Majak Daw had the first jump." So far Fred's my leader for the night's best montage reader. Sam Mitchell gets up to 9. Gary Jnr up to 10. Dan Hannebery leads on 13.

Cameron Ling interviews Gary Ablett Jnr. We learn nothing.

Now a montage of insane fans. I watch closely to make sure I'm not on.

Phew.

I'm not.

Round 9. Gary Dempsey. My word. What a gruff voice. Makes Gus Mercurio sound like a choirboy. Norwegian Black Metal Gary Dempsey. Seriously menacing. Gary on 13. Hannebery on 15.

Round 10. Adam Cooney commentates. Sounds like a kid compared to Gary Dempsey. Did you know he proposed to his wife with burger rings? Paddy Dangerfield is getting lots of votes. Hannebery gets none. Gary Jr equal leader on 15. I think he's won it. Antony Green called it three rounds ago.

Brownlow 2013: Wheeeeee!!!!

Basil Zempilas and Ross Lyon yesterday.
Some guy who used to play soccer for Australia introduces a goals of the year montage. Then Round 5 commentated by Robert Harvey. Another wooden performance from a Collingwood staff member. The pies should run acting and expression classes over the off season. Steele Sidebottom gets votes and we see a young stunner on the Collingwood table finish off a massive beer. I like her, whoever she is. Gary junior and his girl look petrified.

Round 6. It's Libba. Now that's how to commentate a montage. Timing. Drama. Passion. Little Libba has it in truck loads (admittedly the 'trucks' are Ford Escort panel vans). Lots of beards in footy today. It's like all the players are auditioning to be in the next Carlton Draught ad or something. Andrew Swallow leading.

Basil Zempilas interviews Ross Lyon. Not the most engaging personalities. Reminds me of one of my favourite ever jokes.

Q) What did the snail say when he rode the tortoise?

A) Wheeeeee!

Brownlow 13: Pendles Opens His Account And Peter Moore Stars.

A nervous Dane Swan earlier.
Round 2. Bucks commentates the montage. Quite a wooden performance. Only one vote. Sorry Bucks. Trent Cotchin has two votes and very nice hair. Liberatore has six votes. Some Essington players get votes. Consolation for what was an awful year. Pendles opens his vote account. Because he's a professional, he won't forget the account PIN number at the end of the night.

Round 3. Peter Moore commentates the montage. Inspired choice. I loved that man. I painted a picture plate of him in Grade 4. You can see it if you make an appointment at the NGV. Make sure you ring a day in advance. Dane Swan gets votes. He doesn't do accounts. He works in cash.

Now Cameron Ling has a chat to Dane Swan. I can't remember that diamond nose stud. Beard looking Ned Kelly like. Hair freshly cut. He looks genuinely nervous.

Round 4. Dipper commentates. I can't understand a word he says.

Brownlow 2013: Enough Of The Frocks. Let's Get This Show On The Road.

That red carpet thing was awful as always. At least the girls didn't have to stand on a rotisserie this time. Thug Campbell Brown was a highlight. I can't wait to see him covering New York Fashion Week next year.

So it kicks off with Mark Seymour and Missy Higgins singing Throw Your Arms Around Me to a montage of footballers hugging each other. I shit you not. Then there's the guy who does that gruff voiceover grand talkin' to footage of a lady painting a Brownlow. Then another montage. That's two montages in five minutes. An early record.

Bruce McAvaney and Andy D open proceedings, with the traditional opening of "this is a properly constituted gathering of the AFL with all whatevers present etc." And then the tradiitional footage of the Armaguard people delivering the votes.

And as tradition goes, my wife is complaining, "this is the most inane thing on television and astounds me that this is televised." It really works her up.

Round 1. Jobe Watson commentates the montage. Andy D reads real fast (tradition), Judd gets votes (tradition) and Gary Ablett Jr gets votes (another tradition).

Another montage commentated by Adam Scott. We're running at five montages in seven minutes. This is some sort of record.

Brownlow 13: Sad For The State Of Football And Culture.

Jamie Rogers from the TAB is not a celebrity worth celebrating or giving ten seconds of editorial airtime to looking at her frock.

Brownlow 2013: Footy's Night of Nights Red Carpet Special

Good evening. Already the dweebs on the TV are saying it's "all about the ladies". I hate this. But at least Cambpell Brown is a cohost. Thug.

Look. Let's get this out of the way.

Here's Greame Teasdale.

This is all you need to know about Brownlow fashion.
Campbell Brown just asked some girl, "What are you wearing?" This is already ridiculous. Why Campbell Brown? Seriously. Why? Was that Carson guy from Queer Eye too busy? 

I don't care too much for the frocks. Especially that Brynne has gone for more of a demure look tonight. Hamish McGillicutty talking to Andy D and his lady with the dress she bought on her way to the casino. I don't know what to say about this other than after a long chat with an expert, we think it would have cost her upwards of $5k. That's Andy D's day rate.

I love watching Campbell Brown's perplexed eyes trek up and down the girls' bodies when he asks "Who are you wearing tonight?" 

Television at its best.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

My Letter of Complaint to the State Sports Centres Trust.

The state of community sports today.
This letter was written and emailed to the State Sports Centres Trust on my phone after I was thrown out of Lakeside Oval today.

Hi,

Riding my bike past lakeside oval. See a lacross thing is on. Poke in to watch for ten minutes before heading home. At the fence of the ground watching for five minutes and a bouncer rudely demands my bike be left outside. I have no lock so I said simply that I just wanted to watch for five minutes more and I would leave. He said no. He was agitated. It was "against conditions of entry". I said just five minutes and I'll be gone. My bike wasn't near anyone. Everything was safe. He got worse so I asked for him to bring management. A couple minutes later a stadium day manager called Edward came with 5 bouncers. He argued. I thought it was silly. He said it was the rules. I asked him to bring the rules to show me. He came back without them. We argued politely while more bouncers came and crowded us. I assured them they should not look so threatening because I wasn't going to get violent. I just wanted to watch for five more minutes and leave. They looked ready to manhandle me and threatened to call police. Ridiculous. At all times it was perfectly safe for everyone for me to watch some lacrosse while holding my bike. Bouncers got more agitated. I agreed to leave. As I left some bouncers in the background swore at me and yelled 'on your bike' high fiving each other etc. I feared for my safety.

Local sport is about inclusion.

Local sport is about community.

Local sport is about everyone getting together, acting reasonably and having fun.

Fun.

This did not happen today.

I or my bike was never going to hurt anyone today. I am so disappointed with the Trust right now. I fear the culture of rules, heavy security and not being reasonable at simple negotiation like "hey, give me five minutes and I'll go" replied with, "that's cool, just five minutes is fine, have fun!" are being lost at a community and state level.

Love, intelligence and kindness are what sport needs, not the rubbish I write about.

I'm sure the Trust has words to that effect in its constitution.

Attached is a photo of the view of the game I have now through an iron fence outside the stadium.

The green team just scored a goal.

At least they're having fun.

An apology would be the least that could happen this week. I will publish this email online.

Kind regards,

Glenn Peters

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Right Now Essendon's Problem Is With Language And Dictionaries, Not Drugs.

James Hird on his way to work earlier today. (source fairfax)
So we're waiting for the AFL announcement of penalties Essendon face, if indeed they face any*.

It's accepted players won't face suspensions. They can't. That's up to ASADA and they're not ready to do that yet.

But there's an unfinished report released early in time for the finals. That's what the AFL wanted to avoid, outrage if Essendon won the premiership only to later lose half their team in the off season when ASADA got ready to demand player suspensions.

There's enough though in this unfinished report for the AFL to do what they're going to do today.

Most likely they'll suspend Essendon staff for the vague and broad charge of "bringing the game into disrepute" and most likely Essendon lawyers will finally test this charge in court. It's a charge that hasn't been tested as far as I can remember**.

So what does "bringing the game into disrepute" mean? I know. I'll cut and paste the synonyms for 'disrepute' into a nice and easy to read pile.
disgrace, shame, dishonour, infamy, notoriety, ignominy, stigma, scandal, bad reputation, lack of respectability; degradation, humiliation, odium, opprobrium, obloquy; discredit, ill repute, disesteem, low esteem, loss of face; unpopularity, disfavour, ill favour. ANTONYMS honour.
Can't argue the club or its staff haven't done any of these.

Now let's cut and paste the definition from my Apple dictionary....
disrepute: the state of being held in low esteem by the public: one of the top clubs in the country is bringing the game into disrepute .
I shit you not. That's what it says. Even the dictionary is against you, Essendon.

If club lawyers don't like the charge "bringing the game into disrepute", maybe they should have challenged it in court years ago. It seems a little late now.

So what could the penalty be? Well, it's too open ended. Sky's the limit. A fool speculates. Besides, this is too important to become a Sanctions Against The Bad Guys Tipping Competition.

So the big problem for Essendon is that the dictionary says they did it - and if any of us know one thing about what this has done to this season and most importantly, our game, they did it well and truly.



* I am not important and have no qualifications on any of this but my day job does require me to spend a lot of time looking through dictionaries.
** It has been tested unsuccessfully a few times in the Victorian Supreme Court. That's why it still exists. More info when I finish reading about it. (14 Aug).

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Historical Marburg's Most Interesting People.

Recently I visited the medieval German city, Marburg. Towering the city, is Marburg Castle which houses a fabulous local history museum where art and history buffs from all over the world flock to see these beautifully constructed portraits of Marburg's most interesting people. (click to enlarge)

Marion Zwiebel (1790 - 1840): The town's most enthralling raconteur. People would flock to hear her* stories about her days fishing the Lahn for prize winning pike.
Bildnis Auguste Von Knoblauch (1750 - 1810): A stunner in her youth (look here, cor!), Von Knoblauch gave so much to the city's fledgling fashion industry, organising the first of many more biennial Modellierung Marburg Festivals.
Kylie Von Minogue III (1802 - 1840): Minogue was one Marburg's most promising young tennis stars until she tore her hammy during the grand final junior pennant stoush against traditional rivals Butzbach. People still talk about her thundering backhand.
Countess Cristina Apfel Flugsteig (1790 - ): Known mostly for her zesty performances in Married With Children and Anchorman, Apfel Flugsteig attributes her longevity to a stable diet of carrots, gruel and horse meat.
Baroness Angelina Pflaume (1802 - 1829): Renowned flautist and heiress to the Pflaume fortune. Threw it all away to join the three piece afrobeat group Afrikanish Rhythmus - the band that helped made most of Germany rethink their attitudes to the African diaspora.
Carly and Paul Simonich (1802 - unknown): Brother and sister known all over Hesse for their cocksure japery and zany pranks. Infamous for burning down the local haberdashery. Peter Weir has been connected to a film adaption of John Steinbeck's book about the incident, "Jene Verrückten Kids"  
Professor Peter Hanswurst (1790 - 1870): One of the main players behind Marburg's short love affair with Romanticism, Hanswurst was best known for his entertaining lectures. Vilified in later life for backing the Prussians with a series of awkwardly worded letters to the editor of a local gentleman's picture magazine.
Rear Admiral Davide Sylvian (1795 - 1870): One of Otto Van Bismark's closest confidants, Rear Admiral Davide Sylvian (friends called him 'RADS'), hung up his battle boots soon after the famous victory at Königgrätz to grow the whitest spargel in the land.
Matthias Grammp (1802 - 1888), Gloria Grammp (1802 - 1855) & Nanette Grammp (1820 - 1860): Matthias and Gloria were Marburg's power couple. Matthias ran the local abattoir while Gloria edited all three of the city's major newspapers. Their child, Nannette, invented the telephone 20 years before Bell and Edison 'just came up with the idea'. 

* there's some doubt.


Saturday, April 27, 2013

The Incredible 1993 VFA Grand Final Brawl And Celebration.


Just watch.

It's extraordinary.

But really, I don't see too much wrong with it.

Love seeing the kids get up close to the action.


And here's the low key news report reaction.

If anything like this was to happen today, Australia's media would melt in it's own stupid juices.