It's High Shorts Weather!

Correct.


Incorrect.


Incorrect.

Note Robbie Flower's stamen bulge.


Incorrect.


Incorrect.

THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY 500TH POST ON THE NIGHTWATCHMAN!

Keh?

Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton drives the crazy sentence bus way beyond zone 3.

You Mind If We Play Through?

Played my last round of golf before my knee reconstruction at the posh, Jack Nicklaus designed, Heritage Golf & Country Club on Friday.

When I say posh, think posh as in Caddyshack or even the private sporting club in the Eddie Murphy/Dan Ackroyd triumph, Trading Places.

Here's a couple of sneaky shots of the massive gentlemen's changing rooms.

It's okay to look. I didn't shoot any sagging old club members.


Noice! Everything Mr Yeoh, Mr Cheung and Mr Walls (yes, printed names on lockers) could need after a ball chafing round of 18 including, fresh warm towels, complimentary sunscreen and Old Spice on tap.



And paintings of all the old golfing greats (except Harry Vardon. We'd be nowhere without the Vardon grip!) on the shitter walls.

To address Heritage's thoughtless oversight, here's a picture of Harry.



I thought of Harry when I hit this second shot onto a 310 metre par 4 green.



So excited about almost getting my second ever eagle I drove the motorized golf buggy somewhat erratically.



They weren't the only skidmarks experienced as Brett, my golfing partner had to change into a pair of the Country Club's complimentary underpants after I spun and almost flipped the buggy on the 17th fairway.

Fangin.

Lucky we were well endowed because we lost many balls in the rough during the round.

Here's me fishing one out of one of the course's many Jamie "Every Hole Shalt Have A Water Feature" Durie inspired pond/lake/swamp/creek things.

Brett took the photo on my camera=phone because he wanted to be there if I fell in.

I love the faith my mates have in me.



But I came through with the goods.

By shuffling the club out to....


As far....


As I could reach....


To...


Fish out....


With great....


Skill....


And....


With the perseverance....


And audacity....


That has made me....


A serviceable golfer...


I manage...


To...


Fish out...



A DUCK EGG!

Yes, I thought it was a ball until the very last second and no, I didn't put the egg on a tee and Happy Gilmore it to oblivion.

I would have been reduced to tears if I had to wipe duckling embryo remains off my five iron.

Fore!

I Got Me A Ticket For The Rufus Show!

STALLS, Row J!

Only 161 sleeps!

Celebrate!

The World's Greatest War Reenactment

Every year American nerds reenact the Civil War's Battle of Gettysburg while many more thousands watch.

Happens every year.

But when it comes to historical reenactments nothing compares to Sunday's reenactment of the great brawl of 1974 at Windy Hill.

4,000 watched as has-been players, umpires, officials and police staged the historically accurate reenactment to raise money for cancer research.

I haven't been able to find out if there was a child actor playing the role of the six year old Richmond supporter who, amazingly and famously, was right in the middle of it.

In 2002, the now grown up James Ferguson told The Age that he was on the ground with a policeman looking for his dad when the fight broke out.

"I went off to get a hot dog or a drink or something and on the way back I got lost. I told somebody I was lost, so they passed me over the fence to this policeman."

"He told me to stay with him and hold on to his coat, and we were walking around the ground looking for my parents. Then the 'blue' started, and it was just all-in. He ran on to the ground, so I just followed him."

Imagine his school show-and-tell on the Monday morning.

I so envy him.

I'm In A Geelong State Of Mind

On finding the Facebook group, I Wish I Lived in New York City.. I Belong There, I was inspired.

Not to move to New York City.

Oh no, anything but.

I was inspired to start my own Facebook group, I Wish I Lived in Geelong City.. I Belong There.

Join up today and we can pine for The Lyric nightclub, the express bus to Waurn Ponds, the tough Geelong Mall kids and the lovely job they've done on Eastern Beach.

Geelong Geelong a wonderful town!

Kids' Puzzle Or Absurdist Art: You Decide

Badumf!

Fizz!

Growl!

Gulp!

Hiss!

ZING!

From the current issue of fishing's essential periodical, Fishing Victoria Monthly.

Click image for a bigger version.

I'll Get Me Coat....

The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. I thought, that's Aboriginal.

Went through customs last week and the guy said he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you can go through."

"The bad news is that you have a lump on your prostate."

An amnesiac walked into a bar.

He said, "Do I come here often?"

Penguin walks into a bar and asks, "Have you seen my brother?"

Barman asks, "Dunno. What does he look like?"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.

"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Two snowmen are chatting.

First Snowman: "Can you smell carrots?"

A lady walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Why did the boy fail his exam?

Family issues.

Share With Us Your Painful Ebay Stories

Ebay's not new anymore.

We've all had good and bad experiences with it so let's share.

My most disturbing was years ago when me and me girly at the time decided we'd treat ourselves to a digital camera for Christmas.

After a month of research I found a Kodak in Fort Lauderdale in the United States for about half the price you could squeeze out of the dodgy fellas on Elizabeth Street.

We were so thrilled when the camera beat the Christmas post rush and arrived on the door two days before the big day. It was early in the digital days so we were ridiculously excited, taking hundreds of photos of our cat before lunchtime.

Ran out of room on the memory card so I looked to see if there was room on the camera's on-board hard drive to hold photos.

"Hold on, there's already a photo on this."

"What is it. Let's have a look!"

"Shit."

A photo of the proud seller's cock.

Alert.

And you could see his nerd stuff like hard drives, keyboards, printers and shit in the background.

Rang my sister to ask how we could wash a camera.

"Just wipe the lens with tissue and lens cleaner."

"No, WASH THE WHOLE CAMERA."

We declined to leave negative feedback.

Leave a comment in the comments thingy down there and we can work through our Ebay trauma together.

The Worst Interview Ever?

Is this worse than Calamity Jane's Dandy Warhols interview on Recovery years ago?

Listen out for the scream in the background when the ABC News Now interviewer (her name's Merry Miller and she was Miss Dallas or something or rather years ago), squints at the autocue and makes it all up, getting the date wrong and then telling us to check out her show's website at NBC.com.

Gawker's reader comments about what might be happening behind (and under) the scenes are fricken hilarious.

Hot News From The Tour De Prance

My mission late last night was to send SMS reports of Cadel Evans' race for the yellow jersey to me mate Jack, who was out on the town on his own individual pursuit of the pink jersey.

Hours later at 4.10am Jack sends a SMS report from a famous little pub in Collingwood....

"OMG! There's a guy at The Peel in the lycra tour gear. He is riding for Team CSC. I'm very serious."

I wonder if the rider shaved his legs for the occasion.

No Focaccia For You!

When I came in on crutches a couple months ago the same Rathdowne Street deli owner asked, "What happened to you? Fall off your sheila?"

I don't go there much anymore.

I Wish I Could Promise No More LOLcats On This Blog But No I Can't Okay So Cool It Already Laugh At The Funny Cats And Spell Like A Dumb Kid The End

This LOLcat from I Can Has Cheezburger (thanks Melissa, you've really come through with the goods this time), is funny on at least five different levels.

For a start, check out the poor dweeb in the background.

There's no doubt he's thinking, "I IS SPAYCE CAT WANT SPAYCE SHEEP EXTRACTA NOWZ".

And here's one I made with a pic of my old mate, Polly.



I've submitted it to ICHC so hooray, Polly's going to be world famous!

Oh What Sunny Winter Days!

The birds are singing and the bees are buzzin' on such a lovely winter's day. Yippedee doo dah! Life is grand. Hurrah, all is fine! All is great! Yay!

Why the gaiety?

I watched Carlton get beaten by 20 goals yesterday. A glorious pleasure to watch. Today they sacked sacrificed their coach, Denis Pagan, a bloke I never really liked.

Alright, I felt a tiny bit sorry for him for a minute because he couldn't do much with the rubbish players in his team (Oh hold on, he recruited Mick Martyn years ago. Fool. Nope, it's ALL PAGAN'S FAULT THEN!), but as a Collingwood supporter it's my duty to unconditionally love EVERY MINUTE of Carlton's woes.

Also Pagan is one of Wayne Carey's best mates. Carey might have even shed a tear.

If he could, that is.

Meanwhile as I type, some bozos at Essendon are meeting to decide whether to sack their coach, Kevin Sheedy.

Same meeting takes place at the club every year but because the board members are ultimately scared their home insurance policies and bank interest repayment plans are voided by the many thousands of auditors who support the club, Sheeds escapes the meeting.

With an extra year on wacked onto his contract and a pay rise.

By the way, on Radio National's Late Night Live, Phillip Adams conducted a one hour interview with Kevin Sheedy last month.

It's a lovely interview, covering way more than football. Their chat tells us that football has a long social history and is much more in our lives than a chance to gossip about rich young blokes who do nothing more than run, jump and drink.

Hot Pies.

Tom's Still Got It

Tom Waits' smokin' performance on Conan a couple of months ago.

Keanu Reeves Is Ageing. His Face Looks Fat.

It's fascinating to see what people have typed into google to get here.

For years it seemed I was a world authority on ipecac and then there were the golden months when The Nightwatchman was the first place you would come if you needed to see Mariah Carey having a bath with her puppy dog.

This week however, the google searches have gone a little um...

Alright, here's a list of some of the things people nut-bars have typed into google to get here this week. I shit you not. Do the searches yourself and this page should pop up.

"walking with a carrot up your arse"
"dan england, singer, melbourne"
"keanu reeves is ageing his face looks fat"
"i made out with keanu reeves"
"what is kara douglas's myspace page"
"kara douglas porn"
"gold coast chicks porn"
"keanu reeves mobile number"
"michael long awb"
"pussy cat"
"keanu twin soul"
"alex papps" (lots of people come here to read about Alex Papps.)

It's important to add that the "keanu reeves is ageing his face looks fat" search was made from an US Navy internet address.

Deary me.

How To Snag Old Man Mulloway

This week's Tackleworld Cranbourne weekly fishing report tells us that when we are born we have over 300 bones in our body, yet at adulthood we have just 206.

Also some of the shop's customers caught ten pinkie snapper to 50cm in length on Squidgy silver fox wrigglers under the Bolte Bridge a couple of nights ago.

Surprisingly they weren't after the humongous mulloways that lurk the area at this time of year.

The mulloways pictured above are too small for me. I would have thrown most of them back.

Now, that's a "decent sized" mulloway.

They get that big by eating farm animals and have been known to pull down and drown swimming dogs.

Best bait to use is messy squid and garfish and make sure to use a 10 to 15kg line with probably a 25kg tracer. I strongly suggest a running barrel sinker rig with a one metre tracer and a three ganged hook holding the bait.

I know it's tough to master baiting up on a ganged hook but really these are the things we need to get good at if we think we've got any chance of fooling the old men of the deep.

Tight lines!

Knee Day: The Date's Been Set

I will be having my knee reconstruction on August 23. It's my second ACL reconstruction so I know all about the pain I'm going to cop.

I'm particularly looking forward to:

• Trying to convince the anesthetist that I don't require an epidural. I'm sure the last bloke gave me one without telling me and blame him for the ridiculous nerve injury I sustained, forcing my leg to twitch at night for the entire year post operation.
• The wonderful frustration and eventual kidney-splittin' pain of not being able to go to the toilet for 36 hours after the operation. To counteract, I shall cease drinking fluids.... TOMORROW.
• The incessant questions, the same questions damnammit!, about my medical history by the doctors, nurses, consultants, anesthetists, interns, students, cleaners, journalists, pigeon fanciers and beauticians. I'm going to print out a list of answers and laminate it.
• Watching the Collingwood v Melbourne game in my hospital bed, the night after the operation. I will be groggy, in pain and struggling to stay awake. McAvaney, Commeti and Schwartz are that tedious.
• The few weeks in bed after the operation. I hate that bit. Too much pain to read books and too groggy from the painkillers to watch DVD's. Yuck. At least I'll get out of there for the finals.
• The nurse weeks later taking out the staples. He/she better not fuck up like the last lady. Instead of taking the last staple out, she pushed it further in there. Worse. Pain. Ever.

Fricken knee.

More On Sharky's Anger

According to the Tackleworld Cranbourne weekly fishing report, embryos of tiger sharks fight each other while in their mother’s womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born.

Perhaps this explains Sharky's anger.

That Teenage Affluenza Video

"Sadly Red has the PS2 from early 2004. He feels left behind now that the Playstation 3 has hit the market."

Hilarious.

Well done to me good mate, Adam Valvasori at World Vision/Stir and whoever at Zerna Films who wrote the piss funny and poignant script.

The Age (link), and Channel 9 news interviewed Adam today about the video's ridiculous success on You Tube.

467,580 502,075 You Tube hits and counting!