From The Archives: Ten Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch Another Idol Grand Final

Found this in my old document files. Can't remember if I published it back then...

Nice to see Channel Ten cut down the Australian Idol Final to a measly four hours.  Most years the final's gone for six to seven hours so last night's bunch of sponsor generated filler seemed to fly. 

Though I did shudder every time one of the hosts threatened to have another look at the the final two contestants' (I've already forgotten their names) JOURNEYS to get where they were blah blah yawn piddle pus yawn.....

Anyway, as promised ten things I'd rather do than endure another Australian Idol Grand Final™.

Lynch the Maybelline Style Team. 

Visit Quambatook, Australia's home of the mighty sport of Tractor Pulling!

Read every single word of the Cole Inquiry's 1000 page report into AWB's dodgy work in Iraq.  Twice.

Scalp, mince and make burgers out of the smarmy kids in the McDonalds Make Your Own Choice advertisements.

Interview Guy Sebastian about his new album.  Everyone else has.  I'm sure he's got something interesting to say.

See The Black Dahlia again.  Maybe not.

Queue to see last year's Idol favorite, Dan Englund headline at The Empress.  What?  His gig was last Saturday night and I missed it?  I'm so bad with dates.

Watch the grand final episode of Dancing With The Stars.  Again, maybe not.

Apply for the job as the driver of Luna Park's big dipper.  Yes, it's the only one in the world with a driver.  He just stands there in the middle caboose holding a big brake lever.  No seat-belts.  Nothing.  And he doesn't care.  In-fact, he looks real bored with his job.  It's incredible.

Collect moths.

The Perverse Logic of Modern Debate.

Intelligent debate is dead.

If you read comments on any of the newspaper websites, you already knew that.

First, let me introduce you to my favorite comedian in years, Stewart Lee.



Today I had a similar conversation about generalisations to Lee's on twitter with, not a taxi driver, but a Geelong based real estate agent.

It started with an admittedly facetious tweet by me...

nightwatchman Right whingers, though tough on Roebuck, are tiptoeing around the news that Liberal senator Mary Jo Fisher has been found guilty of assault.

Then, out of nowhere, a reply by Geelong real estate agent and "full-time father-prenuer*" NicholasMaas.

NicholasMaas @nightwatchman Not at all. I say she should be removed from parliament. That's something we would expect from Labour / Greens, not Libs.

His reply was ambiguous. I was hoping he didn't mean what it looked like it meant. So I asked him...

What's "something we'd expect from Labour/Greens, not Libs"?

But he meant what I thought he meant. His reply...

Indiscretions resulting in charges... 

I don't argue with strangers on twitter. It's a mug's game. But I had to make sure....

Do you seriously think your political leaning has a bearing on the probability of you doing something illegal?

His answer?

indirectly.... Yes.

I could have followed Stewart Lee's tact with a sensible rebuttal to quell the real estate agent's ridiculous generalisation. I could have even made a similar generalisation based on my previous experience with Geelong's wonderful real estate agent community. And I'm sure he'd return that with "you can prove anything with facts" 

 

But I didn't. 

 

I was gobsmacked. 

 

Unfortunately this was all I could come up with...

Wow.

* No, I don't know what a "prenuer" is either.

It's Been Looked At.

From my website statcounter this morning. Click image to make it bigger.

A Letter To My Mayor

This is the an email I sent to my council mayor, Robert Doyle last Friday. No reply yet.

Dear Lord Mayor,

Seeing that you can get rid of protesters from the city, please could you get rid of the protesters outside the Wellington Street fertility clinic. You denied a link between the two protesters on 774 this morning but to somebody who lives in the area and votes for council elections, the link is obvious.

These protesters gather almost every day. This is at the end of my street. I live in Vale Street.

They're disturbing, intimidatory and their placards are deeply offensive.

They scare my wife from visiting the post office. Should my wife have to go to the Richmond Town Hall post office when there's one at the end of our street?

Several times I've seen people walking past abusing the protesters and almost coming to blows. This is a dangerous situation.

They've made their point. Now please, make them move on. Permanently.

I've had enough of them. Why should I have to be subjected to their deeply offensive protest almost every day?

Kind Regards,

Glenn Peters

STOP PRESS: It has been looked at by someone at the council.

What Jack Listened To When He Was 18 (and wasn't gay).

This was left by my great mate, Jack Thompson as a comment on my previous post. As Molly would say, 'do yourself a favor' and read it through to the end.

Beautiful stuff.


The year was 1991, and I had turned 18 in the April. I was getting excited about going to a Kylie concert in the May.....but I wasn't gay.

Shocked was my fave from the album Rhythm of Love, especially once I had learnt all the rap bit.


Also in that year the local Macedonian club put on an underage disco at a local reception centre once a month. Italo House was still the genre that was popular and I recall busting moves to this classic from Black Box.


Also at these discos there was obligatory slow dance to end the night. Boys and girls would entwine themselves to the sounds of music. This one from Def Leppard always made hands wander and would lead to lots of awkward kissing.

I was often asked why I didn't slow dance with any girls.

I would say something along the lines of "I was outside getting fresh air" or "Me and (insert girls name here), were having a conversation in the foyer"

But I wasn't gay.


That year being able to go to nightclubs legally, and not hiding from police officers doing patrols, I couldn't wait to get to The Metro to dance to this track from Madonna, you may have heard of it?


Another hit from Madonna that I wouldnt dance to until I knew all the moves (but I wasn't gay), was this one.


Turning 18 meant getting my license. Driving around in my skyblue Datsun 180B was one of my favorite things to do, Lygon St or Chapel St. This was often heard blasting through my four windows that were always down.


The Kenwood tape player purchased from Gary's Car Radio produced a high quality sound.
I was disappointed when I had to get a refund on the tickets from BASS when the KLF concert was canelled due to the ill health of Tammy Wynette.

I really was only going to hear this one song.


While I am speaking of concerts, C&C Music Factory toured that year. They played the National Tennis Centre. I was there in a pair of mustard jeans and a green shirt with white polka dots, doing the running man to this.

I could go on forever but these are just a few of the songs that I recall from the year of turning 18. Most of these songs are now on my iPod.


I will finish with the song that I finally danced to with someone at the end of the night. It was more like 6am in the morning.

It was at the Trade Bar in Collingwood, it is now apartments after being left vacant for 7 years and I even tried to buy it to return it to its former glory.

I finally found someone that I could dance with.

His name was Daniel.

And yes, I am gay.

Music I Listened To When I Was 18

Apparently, in advertising or film, if you want to get straight at someone's heart, you just play songs that your audience was listening to when they turned 18. Radio stations are all over this. That's why oldies radio has slowly followed their demographic by playing 60s and 70s music during the 90s to play 80s and 90s music now.

Why? Well, it's obvious. What were you doing when you were 18? Yes. That's right. Awesome.

Here's what I was into.


I moved to Geelong to go to uni on the week I turned 18. This was the anthem back then. Unfortunately a couple of fellas from Geelong's favorite band died in a crash on the Geelong road weeks before I arrived.


I came up with the idea for this posting last night at The Corner Hotel when I saw Dean Wareham from Galaxie 500 play this Johnathan Richman cover. I remember hearing this for the first time while running back from footy training late one night. I was fit then. But judging from my music tastes, not emotionally fit.


When I wasn't in pubs, girls' houses or lectures, I was on my skateboard. This was my favorite song to ride to. I'd play it again and again.


I spent several monumental moments back then listening to this.


I was in a band. We played art rock. It was amateurish, droney and up itself sludge. I was the flamboyant singer. But hearing 16 Lovers Lane, it became sadly obvious that there was more to art than being original. Simply made songs. And beautiful.


A few of us were obsessed with what was coming out of NZ back then. This is my favorite of all the many great songs that came from the Flying Nun label.


I still have a lot of time for the straight edge (no drink or drugs) punk movement. Feel the energy in this vid. So good. I've never thought you need anything in your bloodstream to get a lot out of great music. I also loved how outwardly political this music was. Especially now when 'political correctness' is scorned by most (I don't mind it at all), Fugazi still sound fresh and important.

What were you into?

Tell us about it in the comments.

100,004 People Can't Be Wrong.

As of a few minutes ago, 100,004 people have visited my blogs.

Thanks everybody.

(Except for that freaky Keanu Reeves stalker from a few years ago. You really disturbed me)

From Today's Age.

From Suzanne Carbone's Postcode 3000 column on the back page.

Brownlow 2011: Dane Swan - The People's Brownlow Winner

Awesome.

I love Dane Swan and I think he's about to win the Brownlow. Let's see. Round 23 and he's up by 6 from Dal Santo. Dal Santo needs two B.O.Gs. And he only gets two votes. Swannie gets 2 and WINS THE BROWNLOW.

This is great. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just dance around the house in my tracky dacks.

34 votes. The highest number of votes ever.

In the interview he's calling Bruce, 'mate'. Mick Malthouse looks really proud. He met his girlfriend, Taylor in a bar, he tells Bruce. "Yeah, no, she's good. She's lovely."

Now he's talking about his friendship with Chris Tarrant. So good. It looked like there was a tear in his eye. Then Bruce changes the subject. Dane, anyone you want to thank? "Oh yeah, we'll give it a go." His formal speech is quite funny. You can see he's trying to keep a lid on it.

Great work Dane.

Surely one of the best players I've ever seen.

Brownlow 2011: Judd Might Steal This. No He Won't!

So Judd's on 23 now. And Mitchell is on 30. Dal Santo on 26. But Swan on 29.

Okay. This is getting awkward. Bruce should have referred to the Mitchell situation as 'the elephant on the field'.

Round 22. Judd needs a vote... And he doesn't get it. He won't win the Brownlow because he's 6 behind. Phew. Go Swannie... 3 votes!!!! Outright lead on 32. Two rounds to go. I don't think he can be beaten.

Brownlow 2011: Swan 45 Touches. Let's See What Happens.

So do you get three votes when you have 45 touches? Let's see. Waiting for the votes. Waiting.. Waiting... Judd moves to 17. Waiting... Mitchell onto 24. Ablett onto 19. Waiting... Dal Santo 24.... Waiting... Swan... 3 votes! And the lead on I think 24.

Round 20. I watched this Collingwood v Port 168 point win at the Rose. It was apparently the last time I'll have the mixed grill at the Rose because all my mates have finally pulled the pin on it. Judd catching up on 20. Demetrio struggled with T Mzungu. Was very funny. Swan on 26. Mitchell on 27. He can't win. This is already an equal record for an ineligible player.

Brownlow 2011: What The Judd?

Nice and short interview with Dane Swan. Dunno what he said. I think it was just words he said about football.

Round 17. Demetrio has slowed down. Ablett is catching up. Carlton v Collingwood. Swan gets one vote. Thomas two vote and JUDD GETS THREE. Um. We (Collingwood) won that. Umpires just did that to take the piss out of us. It's okay. Judd won't win. Swan still up by three votes. Just been pointed out on Twitter that Judd had 13 ineffective kicks that game.

Round 18. Goodes just got his 9th vote. Pundits so got it wrong. Was never going to happen. Judd on 16 now. Dal Santo is one behind Swan. Pendles 2 behind.

Bruce is losing his mind.

Brownlow 2011: Disaster Montage

Seven's colour voiceover guy, Neil Kearney. I hate his whining, patronising fucking voice.

Now for a montage tribute to football and natural disasters. With an Neil Kearney voice over. Sounds horrible doesn't it? Well, it's not too bad. But I'd rather they didn't do this stuff.

Hold on. They have a cute little Japanese man who survived the earthquake! Oh, look at him! he doesn't speak english! He's so cute! He has a Carlton jumper under his suit! Isn't footy fantastic to foreign cute people!

Fuck. So patronising.

Just get on with the votes.

Brownlow 2011: I'm Getting Excited

Round 15 and Dane Swan and Scott Pendlebury are up the top with Boyd and Murphy. This is great. Really great. But even better, Sam Mitchell is leading and can't win because he was suspended. At last Swan and Pendles getting the votes they deserve.

Where's Juddy?

Nowhere near the top.

And now a fat and balding bloke in shit suit trying to sell us a gambling addiction. Get out of my TV, fuckwit.

Brownlow 2011: Wear Brown, Not a Frown

Another montage. This one is past winners. My favorite is Graham Teasdale. Look at that suit. You do know it's brown. A very brown suit for the Brownlow. Oh, remember to wear a brown ribbon this Thursday to raise Finals Fever awareness. Because it's a very real problem.

Back to the votes. Pendles is on 16 at Round 13, three clear of the next eligible player. Two suspended Hawthorn players are two behind. Love to be in the Kennett household right now.

Hold on.

I think Bruce's lapels on his black suit are brown!

Brown lapels!

And now the dead star montage. Good blokes. Darryl Baldock. Bobby Davis. Alan Jeans. 

Brownlow 2011: Fast Forward a Few Rounds

Okay we're up to Round 10. I must have fallen asleep or something. Pendles and Swan are in the lead and Judd, the player Channel 7 did their stupid opening montage about, is nowhere near the lead. This is great. Reminds us all of the time the TV station did a big song and dance about Luke Darcy with camera crews in his family house and all sorts of contrived rubbish only to see Darcy get something like two votes.

Pendles is cruising ahead. I think he's going to win it. Seriously. This is great. What a day this could be. After a ridiculously stressful morning trying to get Grand Final tickets, I see Pendles win a Brownlows.

Brownlow 2011: Pendles Off to a Flyer

My wife comma Lucy keeps talking about how boring this awards night is. She wants to put on an awards night that out bores the Brownlows by having a bloke on stage just ranting random numbers for seven hours. I like the sound of it.

Round 3+4+Anzac Day. Pendles is off to a flyer. Gets another few votes. Dane Swan is doing okay too. Love to see them share it. If Demetrio doesn't slow down, he'll explode. I can't stand that Channel 7 voiceover guy called Neil Kearney.

And now for some more sexism talk by that Hamish guy and Rachel Finch about fashions. That's all it is really. Sexism. And it's not fun.

Brownlow 2011: Listen to Tom Hafey

Tom Hafey yesterday.

There's a vitamin ad with Tom Hafey in it. Tom Hafey is one of the best humans ever. Get me drunk one day and I'll tell you my Tom Hafey story. It's not dirty or scandalous or anything. It just goes on to prove that Tom Hafey is one of the best humans ever. So if Tom Hafey is endorsing a brand of vitamins, you better go out ASAP and buy a bottle.

Or you will die of scurvy.

Brownlow 2011: It Always Starts With An Annoying Montage

I hate how they start sports telecasts. This one has a bunch of old sport legends talking too close to the camera. They're all talking about winning a triple whatever they won. Channel 7 are already convinced it's Judd or Goodes cos they're going for their third. I'd rather not see Jeff Fenech on my TV again.

Okay, let's get this straight. I think Judd will win. I don't want him to win. I want Scott Pendlebury to win.

Round 1+2. We see footage of Kevin Rudd leaving game early and Andrew Krakouer kicking a ridiculous goal. Demetrio racing through the votes again. Swan, Pendles and Cox on 5 votes. Why does Demetrio have to be so fast every year? Just get rid of some of the filler betting ads and interviews with kids and we'll make it to the end before Wednesday.

Brownlow 2011: Blue Carpet 2 Electric Blue Boogaloo

Twigley is wearing something that is "Corn" colored. "Corn" could be mustard, dijonaisse or something else.

Oh, there's another girl in "Corn". Richo reckons she looks AMAZING. I think Richo has only one of those adjective things in his mind. That's okay. Glenn Ridge only had three adjectives. And he got away with it on TV for years.

And there's another girl in Isis attire. Isis is so in this Spring.

There's Sammy from Soho who can be blamed for at least 30 of the players' suits. You can spot a Sammy creation. They're the ones with the over the top lapels and stupid stitching on the shirts. Richo reckons Sammy's Amazing.

The commentators are going nuts for Sharrod Wellingham's girlf in an electric blue thing. Richo liked someone else's dress because it's "nice and sparkley".

The Fashion Pod has just been renamed The Rotisserie. And that's that.

Brownlow 2011: Blue Carpet of THE FUTURE

This is what we'll all be wearing IN THE FUTURE

.

So already one of the presenters has called the Blue Carpet "The Grand Final For the Ladies" or something like that. Annoying stuff. There's a blue thing called the Fashion Pod that spins around for us to have a good look at the frocks. Producers reckon the Fashion Pod is innovative. But really, it's awkward.

I can't keep up with all the Melbourne designer names. I'm useless for this. There was one girl who told us that she took her dress from a show that happened during New York Fashion Week 2012.

That's right.

She found the light blue-ish/white-ish/pearl-ish whatever it was FROM THE FUTURE.

Nick Maxwell's partner runs a fashion blog. Her dress looks like it came from the costume department of Isis. Dane Swan's partner's dress, she tells us, has already one a fashion award. Dane doesn't look occupied.

I'm with you, Dane. This Blue Carpet thing is boring. Bring on the voting.

Brynne, in what you'll see plastered all over the papers for the next week, said a lot of words about some dodgy business her and her stupid looking husband are doing now. Richo replies with...."Um..AMAZING"

Now a really awkward interview with Demetrio and his wife on the Fashion Pod. While it's spinning. I want to be sick. I really want to be sick. On the Fashion Pod.

A Finals Fever Survivor Writes

Support Brown Ribbon Day.

This Week's Mixtape.

Nightwatchman 2 by Glenn Peters on Mixcloud

This week I decided to put some loud songs together.

There's also a special appearance by some dirty old men I used to know.

5 Great TV Ads With Animals in Them

Nope.


The aint a feeling like it in the world.


Come on feel the noise.


Come and say hello to Dave and Mabel.


Dog got me sausages!

Fellas Having Fun Skillfully

From training today.

The Nightwatchman: Now With Sound!

Nightwatchman The First by Glenn Peters on Mixcloud

Here's the first of perhaps many Nightwatchman radiolike show/podcasts. This one is a bunch of slow songs to should fit on one side of a D90. The best time to listen to it is late at night or during the day when you want to get some work done.

Maybe the next one will have me interviewing someone on it.

Back To The Cheese Platter I Go.

A cheese platter yesterday.

 Here's something I wrote a long time ago. It's still true.

Hey kids! Here's a little writing game I once had to play.

Write yourself a real short story starting with the sentence, “The rest as they say, is history,” and ending with, “My mother sat in the chair where she first saw the snake. My father lit a cigar.“

Here's what I came up with sometime last year....


“The rest as they say, is history.” And with that the screen switched to yet another fricken student film. Seven down and only another 54 to go. This was going to be one of the most tedious nights of my life.

If I need to tell you one thing its got to be this. Listen carefully. You might want to put this one away in your top drawer because you'll be needing this. No really. Stop. Write it down and put in your wallet next to the picture of your cat. This is important stuff.

When a friend asks you to come to their short film launch, do not EVER say yes. Open your excuses drawer and pull out the first thing you see.

“Thursday the 25th? Shit, sorry I've got a Scrabble tournament on that night.”

Anything.

When Mandy asked I was like you. Anything to help a friend and their two and a half minute, Super 8 masterpiece.

How wrong.

Get to the theater foyer and there's a lot of mingling but nobody there I know. At least one of Mandy's friends, me, is there to lend support. My usual partner in these situations saves me again. The cheese and kabana platter. Mandy runs past.

“Hey Mandy. Excited about..” She keeps on going.

A guy in a scarf (they all wear scarves) says it's time to go in.

After a brief 17 minute speech the films start and they are all except for one with a talking turd, rubbish.

Seven Reservoir Dogs copies, 12 bad not good bad but bad, bad splatter films, 14 'art' pieces and 83 quirky skits later it was time for intermission. Back to the cheese platter I go.

This time Mandy walks by, despondent. The film hasn't come back from the printers. It may or may not be shown tonight. Her mobile rings. “That could be him, now.” She runs off. Shit. The platter's run out of pickled octopus.

Scarf guy announces that there's another 37 wonderful pieces of work to go and not to bring wine back into the theater. Now I'm stuffed.

The first film after the break started. Another bloody voice over.... “My mother sat in the chair where she first saw the snake. My father lit a cigar.”

The Cracks Are Starting To Appear.

First, some nice work from Gawker.

Pippa Middleton's butt: Is it real? Opinions differ!
"I'm not convinced that it's completely natural... she may have had some sort of pants that gave her a little bit of a lift, or even a little bit of padding" says London spa owner Lesley Reynolds Kahn. "[E]xpensive dresses are designed to do all the heavy lifting on their own... and couture is almost always going to do more for a lass than a pair of jeans," says E!'s Natalie Finn. "Please give me food," says a starving Somali child. 

No, I'm not desperate enough for visitors to post a photo of Pippa's arse. That's so last financial year.

Which reminds me of this marvelous bit of repartee I had with a young StKilda supporter girl on Friday night.

Me: "OOH ST KILDA, THE CRACKS ARE STARTING TO APPEAR!"

Girl: "WELL, PULL YOUR PANTS UP THEN!"

I believe the kids of today would say that I was "totes pwned".

Some football supporters yesterday.

 Orxx.

My First Thing For Boxcutters

"How good was that French bike race? Cadel Evans, an introvert, so insular that he loves his team members because they leave him alone, only to speak to him if it’s ‘work related’, put his head down and won the three week European torture orgy. It was a win for the quiet nerd who’s happy to go the knuckle if you walk too close. Don’t believe me? Look up “angry Cadel” on youtube.

And when it comes to three week European torture orgies, the Tour de France is by far the prettiest."

Read the rest at Boxcutters.

The Nightwatchman Interviewed

It’s been five months since the last posting.  The Nightwatchman speaks to Glenn Peters to find out why.
 
First question, the obvious.  Why?  Where have you been all this time?
Good question Nighty.  I picked up two gigs and they took all my time.  Each day when I got home from work, I shot half a gram of Amway mixed with Jim Beam and battery acid into my eyeballs and went straight to sleep until the next day.  Oh, and I played lots of scrabs on Facebook.  Lots.

What sort of gigs?
I worked as an Amway salesman.

Yeah, good and all but don’t you think that you leaving regular readers is a bit of a pisstake?
No. 

Are you sorry to regular readers?
No.

Rumors are that you are going to do some sort of snazzy Nightwatchman relaunch.  And it might take place in a bar or something.

Sounds like one of those SEN radio rumors.  Have you been talking to Toby Shitbeak?

Hold on, didn't you conduct and write this interview years ago, the last time you took a long break from blogging?
Yes. That's right.