Monday, July 30, 2007

The Worst Interview Ever?

Is this worse than Calamity Jane's Dandy Warhols interview on Recovery years ago?

Listen out for the scream in the background when the ABC News Now interviewer (her name's Merry Miller and she was Miss Dallas or something or rather years ago), squints at the autocue and makes it all up, getting the date wrong and then telling us to check out her show's website at

Gawker's reader comments about what might be happening behind (and under) the scenes are fricken hilarious.

Hot News From The Tour De Prance

My mission late last night was to send SMS reports of Cadel Evans' race for the yellow jersey to me mate Jack, who was out on the town on his own individual pursuit of the pink jersey.

Hours later at 4.10am Jack sends a SMS report from a famous little pub in Collingwood....
"OMG! There's a guy at The Peel in the lycra tour gear. He is riding for Team CSC. I'm very serious."
I wonder if the rider shaved his legs for the occasion.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

No Focaccia For You!

When I came in on crutches a couple months ago the same Rathdowne Street deli owner asked, "What happened to you? Fall off your sheila?"

I don't go there much anymore.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I Wish I Could Promise No More LOLcats On This Blog But No I Can't Okay So Cool It Already Laugh At The Funny Cats And Spell Like A Dumb Kid The End

This LOLcat from I Can Has Cheezburger (thanks Melissa, you've really come through with the goods this time), is funny on at least five different levels.

For a start, check out the poor dweeb in the background.

There's no doubt he's thinking, "I IS SPAYCE CAT WANT SPAYCE SHEEP EXTRACTA NOWZ".

And here's one I made with a pic of my old mate, Polly.

I've submitted it to ICHC so hooray, Polly's going to be world famous!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Oh What Sunny Winter Days!

The birds are singing and the bees are buzzin' on such a lovely winter's day. Yippedee doo dah! Life is grand. Hurrah, all is fine! All is great! Yay!

Why the gaiety?

I watched Carlton get beaten by 20 goals yesterday. A glorious pleasure to watch. Today they sacked sacrificed their coach, Denis Pagan, a bloke I never really liked.

Alright, I felt a tiny bit sorry for him for a minute because he couldn't do much with the rubbish players in his team (Oh hold on, he recruited Mick Martyn years ago. Fool. Nope, it's ALL PAGAN'S FAULT THEN!), but as a Collingwood supporter it's my duty to unconditionally love EVERY MINUTE of Carlton's woes.

Also Pagan is one of Wayne Carey's best mates. Carey might have even shed a tear.

If he could, that is.

Meanwhile as I type, some bozos at Essendon are meeting to decide whether to sack their coach, Kevin Sheedy.

Same meeting takes place at the club every year but because the board members are ultimately scared their home insurance policies and bank interest repayment plans are voided by the many thousands of auditors who support the club, Sheeds escapes the meeting.

With an extra year on wacked onto his contract and a pay rise.

By the way, on Radio National's Late Night Live, Phillip Adams conducted a one hour interview with Kevin Sheedy last month.

It's a lovely interview, covering way more than football. Their chat tells us that football has a long social history and is much more in our lives than a chance to gossip about rich young blokes who do nothing more than run, jump and drink.

Hot Pies.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Tom's Still Got It

Tom Waits' smokin' performance on Conan a couple of months ago.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Keanu Reeves Is Ageing. His Face Looks Fat.

It's fascinating to see what people have typed into google to get here.

For years it seemed I was a world authority on ipecac and then there were the golden months when The Nightwatchman was the first place you would come if you needed to see Mariah Carey having a bath with her puppy dog.

This week however, the google searches have gone a little um...

Alright, here's a list of some of the things people nut-bars have typed into google to get here this week. I shit you not. Do the searches yourself and this page should pop up.
"walking with a carrot up your arse"
"dan england, singer, melbourne"
"keanu reeves is ageing his face looks fat"
"i made out with keanu reeves"
"what is kara douglas's myspace page"
"kara douglas porn"
"gold coast chicks porn"
"keanu reeves mobile number"
"michael long awb"
"pussy cat"
"keanu twin soul"
"alex papps" (lots of people come here to read about Alex Papps.)
It's important to add that the "keanu reeves is ageing his face looks fat" search was made from an US Navy internet address.

Deary me.

Friday, July 13, 2007

How To Snag Old Man Mulloway

This week's Tackleworld Cranbourne weekly fishing report tells us that when we are born we have over 300 bones in our body, yet at adulthood we have just 206.

Also some of the shop's customers caught ten pinkie snapper to 50cm in length on Squidgy silver fox wrigglers under the Bolte Bridge a couple of nights ago.

Surprisingly they weren't after the humongous mulloways that lurk the area at this time of year.

The mulloways pictured above are too small for me. I would have thrown most of them back.

Now, that's a "decent sized" mulloway.

They get that big by eating farm animals and have been known to pull down and drown swimming dogs.

Best bait to use is messy squid and garfish and make sure to use a 10 to 15kg line with probably a 25kg tracer. I strongly suggest a running barrel sinker rig with a one metre tracer and a three ganged hook holding the bait.

I know it's tough to master baiting up on a ganged hook but really these are the things we need to get good at if we think we've got any chance of fooling the old men of the deep.

Tight lines!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Knee Day: The Date's Been Set

I will be having my knee reconstruction on August 23. It's my second ACL reconstruction so I know all about the pain I'm going to cop.

I'm particularly looking forward to:
  • Trying to convince the anesthetist that I don't require an epidural. I'm sure the last bloke gave me one without telling me and blame him for the ridiculous nerve injury I sustained, forcing my leg to twitch at night for the entire year post operation.
  • The wonderful frustration and eventual kidney-splittin' pain of not being able to go to the toilet for 36 hours after the operation. To counteract, I shall cease drinking fluids.... TOMORROW.
  • The incessant questions, the same questions damnammit!, about my medical history by the doctors, nurses, consultants, anesthetists, interns, students, cleaners, journalists, pigeon fanciers and beauticians. I'm going to print out a list of answers and laminate it.
  • Watching the Collingwood v Melbourne game in my hospital bed, the night after the operation. I will be groggy, in pain and struggling to stay awake. McAvaney, Commeti and Schwartz are that tedious.
  • The few weeks in bed after the operation. I hate that bit. Too much pain to read books and too groggy from the painkillers to watch DVD's. Yuck. At least I'll get out of there for the finals.
  • The nurse weeks later taking out the staples. He/she better not fuck up like the last lady. Instead of taking the last staple out, she pushed it further in there. Worse. Pain. Ever.
Fricken knee.

Friday, July 06, 2007

More On Sharky's Anger

According to the Tackleworld Cranbourne weekly fishing report, embryos of tiger sharks fight each other while in their mother’s womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born.

Perhaps this explains Sharky's anger.

Monday, July 02, 2007

That Teenage Affluenza Video

"Sadly Red has the PS2 from early 2004. He feels left behind now that the Playstation 3 has hit the market."


Well done to me good mate, Adam Valvasori at World Vision/Stir and whoever at Zerna Films who wrote the piss funny and poignant script.

The Age (link), and Channel 9 news interviewed Adam today about the video's ridiculous success on You Tube.

467,580 502,075 You Tube hits and counting!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

In Rod We Trust

The old bloke couldn't give a rat's arse he's in perhaps the greatest music video ever made.