Show Tunes For Satan

Blogger bloke, Koaloha forgets his walkman and is subjected to noisy preacher freaks in train carriage.

Koaloha: “Excuse me, but do you mind keeping your voice down, I am trying to read.”

Preacher Lady: (screams) “I got to testify.”

Preacher lady hitches up her skirts and tells me that I am going to hell for interrupting you-know-who’s word. Two or three OTHER Christian ladies on the train start shouting at me and discussing my prospects as the Devil’s prison bitch. The last straw was a 50 something red faced man in a suit slamming his Bible towards my face.

There was only one thing I could do.

Koaloha: “If you all don’t lower your voices and cease calling me Satan, I will have to sing show tunes.”

The other straphangers look at me with stony faces.

I begin to sing.

“Its very clear, our love is here to stay. Not for a year, but forever and a day…”

More hilarity at Ladies Village Improvement Society - Crazy Train or Emotional Subway Attack.

My.... What A Big Baton You Have!

Pictures from The Age.

Woolcott Should Know Better

Richard Woolcott's suspicion (The Age, 21/1) that an "underside to our image" is the cause of Australia's failure to be elected into the UN Security Council, is complete and utter hogwash.

As a former ambassador to the United Nations, he should well know the real reason we can't get in has absolutely nothing to do with Iraq, David Hicks, Vivian Alvarez Solon or even "police dog squads and horse patrols on Sydney beaches."

Instead, in the world of violence and conflict, we're just not significant.

Look at this year's new council members, Congo, Ghana, Peru, Qatar, and Slovakia-- all countries very close geographically, historically and politically to some of the world's bloodiest conflict.

And that's why they're elected into the UN Security Council.

Get A Job To Stir Your World

Friends and regular readers may already be familiar with the stuff I've done over the past couple of years, helping create World Vision's new youth thingy called Stir.

Well, the website is now chock full of stuff on how young people...heck, all people... can make a difference, a political difference (not just donating blindly to charity and stuff) to this sick old world we're lumped with.

One brillo part of the website is Stirring Careers. In one of the best bits of clear writing I've seen him do, hipster World Vision staffer, Adam Valvasori shows you how to move into a career which "rewards you with more than just money."

He tells us what sort of education or field experience you need to work in 'the field' or apply for any of the incredible aid jobs advertised on Reuter's Alertnet website.

There's also a bit where Adam interviews quite a few of World Vision's people who work in some of the world's hardest countries on what they do and what they did to get their highly sought after jobs.

Another great bit is Stir's Graduation Pledge. Based on a similar Stanford University project, the Graduation Pledge is a promise graduates can take to:

"To explore and take into account the social and environmental consequences of any job I consider and will try to improve these aspects of any organisations for which I work."

As I've said previous, this is reasonable promise, not an unrealistic ban on ever taking jobs at a dodgy company, instead encouragement for us to think a little more about the place we may have no other choice to work at.

To think, I was supposed to write this part of the Stir website. That dang Valvasori did a much better job on it than I was ever going to do.

Well done, Adam.

The Nightwatchman's Dictionary #1

Procrasticast: n pro·cras·ti·cast A radio show downloaded and lost forever in your hard drive, never ever to be listened to.

Usage: "There's something interesting on the radio! I'll listen to it later on procrasticast. Now, back to Desparate Housewives...."

Oh Brother! Not Out!

RecordBrother is one hell of a obscurio 60's and 70's film soundtrack blog. Everything reviewed you can download or listen to free from the site.

Blaxploitation, psych-fuzz-pop, Italian and Brazillian beat and even a Hindi disco soundtrack to what looks like the world's worst sport flick, The Cricketer.

Unbelievable stuff.

Who Listens To The Podcast-io?

There's a quite a lot of talk about podcasting and how it's gonna change the way we listen to radio etc but I've only met ONE REAL HUMAN BEING who downloads and LISTENS to podcasts.

It's one thing to download a podcast. It's another to actually listen to it.

The ABC often boasts of many thousands of downloads but really, once you download one podcast from somewhere like the ABC, your software automatically downloads stuff without you knowing about it.

Like, my iTunes has automatically downloaded 15 episodes of KCRW's Music Exchange but I've only listened to two of them. And when am I going to find time to catch up on the eight hours of Harry Shearer's Le Show iTunes just downloaded?

With podcasts I am an exception. I've been a regular listener and downloader of overseas radio shows for many years before people called them podcasts.

Here's a few I've been listening to lately.

Zoe's Radio Show is hosted by a 15 year old girl with a better record collection than my own. Although her fave band ever is Built To Spill, she's got superb music taste and really knows how to put together an hour long radio show. A few Triple R and PBS announcers can learn a lot from this girl. She has FUN, damnammit!

The Ricky Gervais Show is nuts. 4o-ish minutes of Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant trying to unlock the thought process of their idiot savant producer, Karl Pilkington.

43 Folders is a real short spinoff from the nifty getting things done website of the same name, hosted by a funny little twerp named Merlin.

And my old faves are Harry Shearer's Le Show and Philip Adams' Late Night Live.

BUT HOW??

I use iTunes to listen to podcasts. It's the easiest listening thing out there.

Click on the podcasts thingy on the left hand side of your iTunes, then click on the "Podcast Directory" thingy on the left bottom side of the main window.

Browse through the podcasts in that window and click on the "Subscribe" button if you see a show you like.

If you are using Internet Explorer or Firefox and you find a link to to a podcast you might want to listen to, copy the address and then open up your iTunes.

Then click on the "Advanced" thingy on iTunes and then go to "Subscribe to Podcast".

Paste the address to the little box and presto, you're going to have that podcast updated in iTunes for the rest of your life!

Can you ever be arsed to listen to a podcast? If so what? Click on the comment bit and tell us all about it.

Sorry About That, We're From Melbourne

A few of us took a rock'n'roll roadtrip to Sydney to see The Shins play on the weekend. The last time I was in Sydney was when I flew up to see The Cult play Selina's way back in the mid 1990's.

Here's some highlights....

Cheap, traditional pub meals. $12 for a Fisherman's Basket. $15 for steak. That's almost half what you pay in Melbourne and not one drop of juniper berry jus finds its way anywhere near the $9 Bangers and Mash.

$10 jugs.

The Metro. Awesome 700-ish seater theatre venue where everyone gets to see the band.

Mad taxi drivers.

Driver: I from Hong Kong six years ago. I like knowing how to be getting people there fast. How long did did it take you to drive to Sydney to Melbourne?
Me: Seven and a half hours.
Driver: You must be speeding!
Me: No, we took a shortcut.
Driver: Ah! I see. I understand!

The Shins. Strangely enough, considering Oh Inverted World is one of my fave records in the past decade, this was the first time I've seen them play. They were brilliant. I was elated. Perhaps too elated?

Sydney cops. After the show a scrag fight erupted in an alley next to the venue. A police car pulls up in the main street 30 metres away. Both police jump out of the car, bolt to the fracas and violently cuff the angry ladies. For the next half hour the police car is abandoned in the street, lights flashing.

My mates' reaction? Man-boobs-draped-over-police-car-photo-shoot time.

Gig fashion. Nobody wears collars, dark clothes or leather. A Sydney-sider gigster even asked me why I was wearing a Miller shirt. I advised him it was actually a Miller looking shirt made by the Converse corporation and that he had a bit of last week's chicken stuck in his hair. Glad we both saw the funny side....

Activity. Sydney people run around and play sport in parks. Melbourne people sit around and do bugger all.

Bad arse pun action. After the show we had a six hour shit talk fest at the mosquito riddled house we were staying at. It was a funny bastard called Dave who took out the title when he argued, while holding some mosquito repellent, "Aerogard-less of what you may think...."

The Sydney Opera House, Harbour Bridge and fireworks. Saw none of 'em. So there.

Painting by Ken Done.

The Nightwatchman Awards The Best Of 2005

Best Albums
1 Antony And The Jonsons, I Am A Bird Now
2 Bob Dylan, Bootlegs 7
3 Martha Wainwright, Self Titled
4 Sufjan Stevens, Come On Feel The Illinois
5 Dirty Three, Cinder

Best Song
Mahgeetah by My Morning Jacket. Sure, it came out in 2003 but I came to know, love and play it to death in 2005.

Best Show
Rufus Wainwright at Manchester Lane.

Best Book
Dead Europe by Christos Tsiolkas.

Best TV Show
100 Center Street

Best Film
The Anchorman

Best International Website/Blog
Boing Boing

Best Australian Website/Blog
Corkintheocean. Piss-funny, even if it is dedicated to one of the most annoying footy teams in the AFL.

Person Of The Year
Keanu Reeves

I Canna Get It Any Cuter, Captain!

I'm a big bloke, over six feet tall and well over 100 kilograms. I love my footy. I'm accomplished at the fine art of barbeque. I've even been known to go to the car racing.

But there's something particularly girly I can't resist.

Pictures of cute kittens.

The funny bastards at Cute Overload "scour the Web for only the finest in Cute Imagery™. Imagery that is Worth Your Internet Browsing Time."

And I can't get enough of it.

See You Again At Tooth Hurty

I've just spent most of today in pain at the dental hospital. A back molar needed to be pulled out.

Had a student. He was good but not good enough. An hour an a half at pulling at my tooth and he still couldn't get it out.

On top of that, nobody, him, his mates or supervisor, could get the anesthetic to work in the exact place they were pulling.

Ow times 1000.

Then get this. They had to give up. Too many anesthetic shots and still "the patient is not yet aneasthitised." I have to go back again on Thursday for the class to try again.

Yes, to start over.

Tooth still in and hurting.

Bonus. I have to go back again again in January for them to have a shot at getting my wisdom teeth out.

Ow times infinity.

Double bonus. Super strong antibiotics so I won't be allowed to drink at all during Christmas.

I need to lie down now.

You Know Where You Pick Up A Barracouta?

Grimy, tanned and wearing a FUBU wind jacket. Very low St Kilda.

"I'm 44 and haven't worked for over three years. I used to work at Fawkner Cemetery. I was a landscape gardener."

"Yeah, I dug graves. What do YOU reckon?"

He didn't look 44.

"I got a redundancy. You know what a redundancy is? Now I go fishing. What else is there to do?"

The two fish in his bucket were drastically undersized. He said he was going to eat one and the other, he would give to his mother.

"I've got no friends."

I thought he was talking about bait and he wanted bread. "You've got no bread? I've got some. Want some pipis?"

"I've got no friends."

Instead he was setting the bait. "But you have family," I said. "What about your sister, your mother?"

"My sister? She's gone years ago. And you know what my mother says? What she said to me this morning? Why don't you go fishing? And where do you pick up a barracouta?"

Back to fishing talk. I've heard him give the tip already five times. His look was stern as if I'm the bad son."No, where do you pick them up?"

"The GILLS..... The GILLS. You pick up barracoutas by the GILLS. Anywhere else is too dangerous."

The Meredith Come Down Explained

It's Thursday after last weekend's Meredith Music Festival and I reckon I'm ready to tells you all about it. Well, not all. Telling all would be quite unlady-like. NURSE?!?

Let's keep it to the onstage performances.

Eddy Current Supression Ring
The singer bloke wore surf/skate apparel and a pair of black leather gloves. Had a brief argument with a mate as to why the gloves. Mate argued "to look cool and ironic," while I pushed the "burns patient" defense. We only agreed on one thing. Eddy Current Whatever Ring are not our thing.

Sons And Daughters
All over the place songs in 1990's chic Glaswegian accents. Nice frocks but.

The Kills
Before I sat down to write this, I had a quick look at Beth at Miaow's Meredith review. Her take on The Kills is spookily the same (down to the Cousin It comparisons) as what I was going to say. Bugger it, here's what she wrote...

They were posturing American crap. Actually, they were repetitive posturing American crap, which is also how you could describe me if you knew my lineage, but you don’t. You can get away with playing your guitar with nothing but samply stuff and a pouting Cousin It to help you, but you’ve got to be good. You shouldn’t have to thow in robotic guitar playing movements and simulated sexual tension. Nor should you think that looking angst ridden whilst moving in a feline manner is going to help either. Jeeez. They bored me rigid.

J-Live
So so ho hum hip hop straight from New York. Marred by mixing desk gremlins causing vocals to only come out of the left side for two to three songs.

Bollywood Craptacular
First a couple of kooky lookin', kooky smilin' wacky arse sikhs bang their drums for several minutes. Then a bunch of amateurish dancers do their kooky stuff for the next seven hours. Kooky.

Stephen Malkmus And The Jicks
I was struggling at this point of proceedings. Malkmus' nine minute jams on songs I never liked in the first place, weren't making things any better.

Billy Childish And The Buff Medways
Brilliant, just as I guestimated. When I grow up I really want to be Billy Childish. I've already erected an eisel in the backyard.

You Am I
The biggest performance of the weekend. Made Wolfmother look like a bunch of curly haired twits. Honest, dirty and bittersweet rock'n'roll.

Airbourne
I was under heavy sedation at the time.

The Avalanches DJ Show
Here's me at The Pink Flamingo.... "Let's go down and dance to the Avalanches! They're playing Talking Heads! Come on! Let's go down and dance to the Avalanches! Come on!" Nobody would. Instead, a few of us thought it would be a good idea to go to someone else's campsite "soiree" which was nowhere near as fun as dancing to The Avalanches.

The "soiree" consisted of a bunch of humorless blokes trying to indulge in a guitar/harmonica/squeezbox jam. For so late in the night, these blokes were playing way too tentative. Frustrated, I snatched the harmonica player's instrument off him, gave it a wipe and blew the "soiree" away with one of the most brilliant, most soulful and most gorgeous harmonica solos ever performed in the history of earth.

Did the "soiree" duly appreciate my genius?

Drunk Girl: "That was amaaaazing."

Humorless Bloke #1: "It was a bit loud. We do have friends trying to sleep around here."

Drunk Girl: "I've never heard such..."

Humorless Bloke #2: "Yeah, I think it's time we called it quits for the night."

Matt Walker and Ash Davies
Due to the extended search of my campsite for the little bit of dignity I have left (which was misplaced somewhere during the "soiree"), I missed all of Matt & Ash's set but the last bit of All By Myself.

Quote Of The Weekend
Top mate and sound mixer to the stars, Simon Banko was getting peeved by the wonderful Okkervil River's crappy mix.

"I can't hear any of that accordian. MORE FARKING ACCORDIAN! MORE OF THAT FARKING ACCORDIAN! TURN IT UP!!"

Words that may never be said again.....

27...

Is the age Robert Johnson, Hank Williams, Otis Redding, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and Chris Bell were when they died.

Photo of the good lookin' Hank Williams from Wikipedia.

Peurile Gallows 'Joke' Slipped Into Wikipedia

In the same week online encyclopedia, Wikipedia has copped flack over hoax entries, a peurile attempt at humor appeared inside the detailed entry for Crips founder and recently executed Stanley Tookie Williams.

On December 12, Schwarzenegger denied clemency for Williams. In his denial, Schwarzenegger cited the following:

"The dedication of Williams' book Life in Prison casts significant doubt on his personal redemption...the mix of individuals on [the dedication] list is curious'...'but the inclusion of George Jackson on the list defies reason and is a significant indicator that Williams is not reformed. I am the terminator. Prepare to die.'"

The 'joke' will most likely be pulled from Wikipedia in the next few hours.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Billy Childish

One more sleep until Meredith. Yay!

Make sure you catch Billy Childish and the Buff Medways. Going by last night's gig at The Tote, Billy's going to tear that little farm outside Meredith to pieces. Especially look out for a couple of covers which are so so so right for getting a festival crowd jumping.

If only last night's support, The Breadmakers were on the Meredith bill.

Photo from The Age.

The World Of Kane Very Able

The guy who does The World Of Kane is into a lot of stuff I'm into.

Who isn't into high boots, wacky furniture design and stupid record covers?

Besides, any blog thingy which talks up the jerky New York accents and rocking soundtrack in The Taking Of Pelham 123 has to be worth following.

It's Time To Fire Up Firefox

Most of you still persist with the lunky and hideously vulnerable to security attack, Internet Explorer. It's time to switch to the recently upgraded Firefox.

Don't worry about your boss. Firefox is free for everyone, yes that's everyone including companies, to use. I don't get why Firefox isn't standard in the Australian workplace. It's strange. IT Managers swear by it on their work and play computers but can't seem to convince the rest of their workplaces to switch over.

And don't worry about losing your bookmarks during the changeover. Firefox does it all for you.

In the www's olden days a new web browser release was kind of special. Like giddy pop fans, we would count down the days before we could download the latest Netscape Navigator. When that day came we'd fire up Trumpet Winsock, and ftp like crazy until the early dawn.

Then Internet Explorer happened.

Most of us got lazy. Internet Explorer came already installed on Windows 95 so why bother with another browser? Internet Explorer got lazy too, without a big upgrade for yonks. It's so 1997!

If you already run Firefox, it's a good time to upgrade to the new version. Firefox 1.5 runs smoother than previous and most importantly prevents the popups which were starting to fool the alleged "popup free" browser. And my fave extension, "Add Bookmark Here" works with the new version.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. The new Firefox runs much smoother on my second machine, my pretty blue G3 Mac. Much better than Safari.

You can get Firefox by following the light blue advertisement to the right hand side of this page.

Miaow, Alex Papps Is Back!

Everywhere I went this weekend I caught up with and accidently bumped into friends from my olden days. Weddings and barbeques are good like that.

Of the many I said, "Sheesh, it's been a long time," to is old university chum, rock star and boating enthusiast, Beth Proudley, whose blog thingy, [m i a o w] the cat is bigger (878 entries to my tiny 258!), and much better looking than mine.

Talking of bumping into people from ye olden days....

Get this.

Friday night and a small group of us were outside a restaurant, talking up 80's heart-throb, Alex Papps. And Jeff, my mate who's toured with Keanu, mentions he's met Papps through an old friend a few times. Funny Papps stories ensue and then we go inside to eat.

Ten minutes later we're sitting in the restaurant waiting for entrees and who walks in?

ALEX FREAKING PAPPS.

And Jeff did know him. As we were leaving Jeff started talking to the Papps. They talked for a long time. Papps tells Jeff he's about to sign on to do an extremely popular kids TV show.

The Papps is back.

Unbelievable.

Okkervil River: They're So Hot Right Now

Two foriegn bands played in Melbourne last night. One is the best touring, live rock'n'roll band in the world right now.

The other is Oasis.

With three or four encores (I lost count, delirious) Okkervil River were incredible at Ding Dong last night. Don't dare miss 'em.

Oh yeah front bloke, Will Sheff is doing an acoustic thing at the Old Bar next week.

Here's a piss-funny/beautiful bit of the band bio written by Sheff on Okkervil River's lovely lookin' website...

I sat in the woods for hours. I listened to nothing but the Incredible String Band for a whole year. I became convinced the world would end in 1995. I became unconvinced of that. Seth said one day the world would shake us all like dog water. He later got arrested for drawing a stick figure picture of a bankrobbery in Mascoma Savings, but was released because he promised to take lessons with the police sketch artist. It felt like nobody had ever been alive before. Friends around us sank into delirium. My father asked that the school not expel me as a personal favor. Meanwhile we were making masks and holding secret ceremonies and trying to chase God out from beind the houseplants, beautiful and just as pretentious as we. And we played music under a thousand different band names.