Oh What A Nice Pear!

"Absolute Pears has the cooler bottle design, the ubiquitous ad campaign—including a slick slithering TV spot—and the trial-inviting copy line "The New Taste Of Temptation."

What's Grey Goose's La Poire got going for it?

One thing only: it doesn't taste like a combo of cough medicine and snake shit.

Seriously, Absolut Pears is fucking awful; a very fake tasting "pear" flavor that completely overpowers the vodka."

Copyranter proving again he is one of the only advertising bloggers worth reading.

Welcome To The House Of Fun

You got to hand it (wash first, please), to obsessive compulsives.

They sure have imagination.

On last night's ABC documentary, The House Of Obsessive Compulsives there was a bloke who was terrified of confessing to a crime he didn't commit.

So scared, the poor bloke chained himself to his bed so he wouldn't sleepwalk his way to the constabulary.

But get this.

He was scared shitless of pens and paper.

Who knows, he could write a confession if he wasn't careful!

A sad and brilliant documentary.

Make sure you catch next Thursday's conclusion at 9.30pm.

Phil Spector's Wall Of Hair

Rudeboy's Pot Of Gold

Rudeboy wrote an incredulous music column called Rudeboy's Pot Of Gold in Zebra years ago.

Now he breeds fighting cocks somewhere in Thailand and works on oil rigs as a movie projectionist.

Here's the first ever column he wrote, reviewing a dance compilation by Melbourne's Opus Collective.

Fuck my old boots, you have got to be joking. This would have been shit 15 years ago. It should be re-named Hopeless Collective.

It amazes me that people have got the nerve to release this nauseating bollox. These people must be really up themselves. Can't be from Melbourne. Oh, they meet in Fitzroy, it says on the cover...That explains it.

Sad sacks who learnt to store plastic buckets full to the brim of shit under the stairs from their mother. Absolute c*nts. Track number nine Dance On The Tables is the worst - some inane whining child molester touching himself backed by a vegan dwarf shitting dahl like a duck. Blow it out your arse, which is quite a lot like what this mob did when they released this. I still refuse to take these hair matted with spunk art freaks seriously. Ooh queue up for hours at film festivals, bring our own fruit and nuts talking banal shit all through a Polish remake of American Quilt. The only way to enjoy this would be whilst shoving a carrot up your arse and the carrot bit is the only bit that's enjoyable.

Great Moments In Television: The Cult's Ian Astbury Appears Hey Hey It's Saturday

The viewing public were amazed to see Ian Astbury appear as a guest judge on Red Faces.

First, a toothless old lady sang Livin' On A Prayer.

Astbury gave her the paltry score of three.

Next contestant, a Chad Morgan lookalike, played the spoons.

The score, only four.

Then a couple of four year olds dressed in white suits sang La Bamba.

Astbury's score?

A competition winning , nine!

I Love You Sophie, You Are Really Tops

Found some old magazines I used to write in.

Here's a review of one of the best shows I've ever been to.

BARDOT
(Festival Hall)

I went to see Bardot at the Festival Hall and it was really good. I like the yellow hair one called Sophie because she dressed up in Mummy's clothing and sang happy birthday to the fat man with the hair on his face. The fat man with the hair on his face liked it a lot, his smile was funny.

Before the Bardots came on stage, me and all the other kids screamed very loud. I screamed loud and yelled "I love you Sophie, you are really tops!" My mummy said that the kids screaming and the funny smell would have been same as the Festival Hall when Beatles and Peter, Paul, Tom, Dick and Mary were there in the olden days.

Bardot were really good and there was this one time, this one time when all the Bardots wore Tiffany's hats and she said that they stole the hats. They gave her the hats and then sang my favourite song Poison. I like Poison when they say "Don't treat me bad. Don't treat me bad, my glove fell in the ocean."

I like boats.

One day I am going to the ocean on a boat.

Bardot are good dancers. I don't really like the Katie one. She talks too much and doesn't wear pretty dresses.

Bardot play lots of slow songs in their concerts. I don't really like slow songs. I like the man playing guitar in the Bardot show. His guitar made twiddly twiddly noises. I like the pretty lights. Bardot are better than Freddo Frogs. I like the strawberry ones.

- Glenn Peters (aged 27)

Dinking As Modern Art

Good lookin' Melbourne hipsters who weren't at the fashion festival were doing blockies at a an art launch/installation thing last night.

Local artist, Lane Cormick gave many of his fancy dressed mates dinks around the block. In a room upstairs from where this photo was taken was a scrawled note of explanation.

Something about how when he was a young roustabout, he would hear local folklore about an older hoodlum who dared to ride his unregistered trail bike into Melbourne's CBD.

After so many years, last night was Cormick's chance recreate the legend by giving his mates illegal dinks around the city streets.

And he did so without being caught by the fuzz!

73 Sleeps Until Scrabble Gets A Whole Lot Easier

A big bunch of new words become legal for Australian Scrabble players on May 19. Me and me scrabs mates are so excited, we're having a party, stuffing ourselves with ZA (pizza) to celebrate.

Why the party?

Now the only two letter Z word is ZO, for J is JO and F has only FA and FY BUT from May 19 onwards, we'll be able to play ZA, JA and FE!

Other notable inclusions are:

BOI: a boyish lesbian
ZOOT: Finally! I've been arguing for its inclusion for years.
ZEP: a long, zeppelin shaped sandwich
PYREX: a brand name sure, but I'm not complaining
LINUX: to shut the nerds up
ALF: an Australian yobbo
FAA: useful to hook onto AA
EMO: yes, that's right as in the dark clothed and dreary music fan
ONO: a Hawaiian fish
EXO: apparently Aussie slang for excellent
ZOL: a spliff
FIGJAM: yes, that's right
SJOE: now JOE can take an S both ends!

But we do lose some words including: PH, PHS, EMF, HAFIS, POOGYEE, JELLIFORM, WAISTBOAT, PILHORSE, NANNYGHAI, LIVERWING and MUFFETTEE.

Remember, however tempting it may be, using any of the new words before May 19 is like opening your Christmas presents before Christmas Day..... CHEATING!

No Miss, He's Not A Donkey. He's A Super Rabbit!

There's so much going on in this crazy story from Galway, I'll have to tell it in point form.

* Man dressed in latex and handcuffs brings donkey to his hotel room

* Man arrested

* Man charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and offensive behavior

* The charge of wrecking the mini-bar is dropped. Why? The donkey did it.

* Man fined €2,000 for for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837

* To bring the donkey to the room, man tells hotel reception that his companion wasn't a donkey, instead a breed of "super rabbit" he was taking to a pet fair

* Reception could have been convinced of his story if he didn't sign into the room as Mr Shrek

* Man tells the court he's lonely and suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”

* Hotel only called police when "super rabbit" ran amok in corridor

* "Super rabbit" swallowed handcuff keys

Link to original Galway First story.

Vale Billy Thorpe

One of the best shows I've ever seen was his mid 90's Aztecs comeback at the Myer Music Bowl.

His crowd of washed up rockers, bikie thugs, reprobates, lovely families, grandmas and grandpas with their grandkids, hipsters, dags, Hey Hey fans, my girly and me bowed to his gloriously loud rock and agreed, Thorpie's crayayzee!

Nobody's gonna rest in peace now Thorpie's up there.

Top bloke.

The New World's Hottest Chile

I need some of these for my next batch of chillyie (see comments) sauce.

The Guinness Book of Records confirmed that New Mexico State University Regent’s Professor Paul Bosland had indeed discovered the world’s hottest chile pepper, Bhut Jolokia.

Bhut Jolokia, at 1,001,304 Scoville Heat Units (SHU), is nearly twice as hot as Red Savina, the chile pepper variety it replaces as the world’s hottest. A New Mexico green chile contains about 1,500 SHUs and an average jalapeno measures at about 10,000 SHUs.

“The name Bhut Jolokia translates as ‘ghost chile,’” Bosland said, “we’re not sure why they call it that, but I think it’s because the chile is so hot, you give up the ghost when you eat it!”

According to Bosland, Bhut Jolokia is a naturally occurring inter-specific hybrid indigenous to the Assam region of northeastern India. A member of NMSU’s Chile Pepper Institute visiting India sent Bhut Jolokia seeds back to NMSU for testing in 2001.

“The plant doesn’t set fruit very well, so it took a couple of years to get enough for field testing,” Bosland said.

Bosland then grew Bhut Jolokia, Red Savina, and habanero peppers under controlled settings. Bhut Jolokia exhibited significantly higher SHUs, as much as triple the amount, and these findings were confirmed by two independent laboratories.

Bosland reported that the variety has compelling potential in the packaged food industry as a food additive. The pepper could be pickled while still green, dehydrated and used as a seasoning. Because the heat is so concentrated, less would be needed and food manufacturers would save money.

“This isn’t something you’d pickle whole and eat,” Bosland said, “but it could replace dehydrated jalapeno as an additive.”

Bhut Jolokia is not NMSU’s first brush with chile greatness; the record-holder for world’s largest chile pepper is a specimen of the ‘NuMex Big Jim’ variety. The record-holder was grown near Hatch, but the variety was developed at NMSU.

From the New Mexico State University's website.

If Love Is The Answer Please Rephrase The Question

Highlights from the A-K of Herald Sun's Valentine messages. Punctuation is exactly how it was printed in the newspaper.

AAA Mr Driply
I love you all ways and always, for ever and forever. Start to live your dream Pixi.

AAAHHH...
How Tasty, you are my sweet SOTIBERRY muffin! xx - Your MISHI xx

AARON BOWIE (Mr Romance)
An iris or a gerbera some roses would be nice. At this point in our marriage even dead ones would suffice. But since money is not object you always have enough 2 buy more tackle and some bait. It would hardly take you very long, It wouldn't take you hours. You can get them a t a shop near work, So where's MY BLOODY FLOWERS? -Your long suffering flower deprived wife.

ABBI
............meh xo............

AMC
Your botty is so cute and hairly, We aint been blessed by the fertility fairy. But good things come to those who wait. In the meantime be my Valentine's date!! Love always - NJC

ANDO
Your beers are in the fridge when you're ready. With love Kim x x

Babe
Wanna give you everything Krispy Kremes, the holiday of your dreams, my puppies & me. How good is that! I luv U B-man - Your Chicken.

BABG
to my wife who's been working heaps of hours. On Valentine's Day you should be covered in flowers. Ubt hey you know me that 's not my thing, and yes I know you would love some BLING. So instead I rang and spoke to some girls. You know the ones in Cancun without the curls. so now I am happy to say, Accommodation done, CHICAGO on your WAY. Have a safe trip. Love BABM
(while he stays home and sleeps with his best mate's wife)

BADGER
Happy Valentine's Day. All my love today and forever Love - Your lil dinosaur

BATMAN
Ha Ha you looked. Does a minimum 3 times a week count as casual? Have a great day. Love - Shazza

BERNADETTE
Dear Bernadette, whether your wearing jeans or a bikini it's with you I wanna share my zucchini. Love - Lino

BETH
My Scrumptious Bum, loving you is easy. Love and kisses, your Sultana.

BEVVY
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I love you Bevvy, Honest I do. Love - Roly.

BIANCA S
Can you pleeeaaseee return my call? Luv - Glen
Note the one 'N' in Glen. Proof it's not me.

BI BI
i Dun mind uR biG smelly toes nor Ur Big Fat Nose! I LuBu Now & alsiz 4eva, as u alreadii know! Lov Hun xoxo

BIG BOSS
Word can't ell you enough how much I love you but the action in the bedroom will tonight. Happy Valentine's Day, Lots of kisses. - Little Boss.

BOPINK
You tickle me pink when we go to the rink. you are what my mind thinks. happy Valentines Day, Bopink! Love - Spunky Bum.

CAMERON
AKA SUPERMAN. Thank god for Starbucks! Love you babe. YOU'RE the best! Alana xxx

DEAN
My Angel my Superman, youre the bomb bomb bomb bomb. I love you - Your little Princess

DUKEBOY
Great sex, dancing , harley's and YOU, what more can a girl want. xo xo Luv You xo xo

DUMPLING
You made me the happiest girl in the world. LUV SNOOKEMS.

KELLY - KALIFORNIA ROLL
Hope u get that Mustang 1 day SUE - Chop Suey No. 1!!

Lookalike Cat Plays Piano

She looks so much like my old mate, Polly.

Classic YouTube.

What Was He Thinking?

"I think that would just encourage those who wanted completely to destabilise and destroy Iraq, and create chaos and victory for the terrorists to hang on and hope for (an) Obama victory."

"If I was running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008, and pray, as many times as possible, for a victory not only for Obama, but also for the Democrats."

Prime Minister John Howard loses his mind by weighing (ooh you big man!) in on Senator Barack Obama's presidential race.

Obama's response was a deft uppercut....

"I would also note that we have close to 140,000 troops in Iraq, and my understanding is Mr Howard has deployed 1400, so if he is... to fight the good fight in Iraq, I would suggest that he calls up another 20,000 Australians and sends them to Iraq."

So there.

Drunk Or Dying: You Decide

Here's film taken with my phone of one of the crazed bees on the road outside my house supporting the bee milker's theory that certain nectars taste really good.

So good, the bees get 'drunk' and fall to the ground, not able to fly again.


And here's more footage.

Bogue Postcards Vol 1

The front and back bars of The Wheelers Hill Hotel on a drab and overcast day.


The wildlife lake down the hill at Jells Park on the same drab and overcast day.

Both postcards were bought from my local newsagent.

Next week Mitcham and Mentone!

I'm Still The (Unemployed) Beaver

At 4.5%, Australia's unemployment rate is the lowest its been since the 1970's.

Great.

I'm one of the 4.5%.

So if you know someone who knows someone who needs someone to do something or rather you reckon I'd be good at, visit my resume site and give this poor sucker a break already.

About 100 Dying Bees Outside My House

More strange wildlife behavior going on in my neighborhood.

There's about 100 dying bees on the 15 metre stretch of road directly outside my house.

Most of them have buggered wings and some are being attacked by ants.

Occasionally, a healthy wasp flies by to check out the bees' plight.

If anyone knows an apiarist, Miss Helena or any other expert in insects who could tell us what's happening outside my house, please leave a comment.

Me and Lucky The Dog are quite disturbed by all this.

Yet Another Blogger Shows You His Favorite Super Bowl Commercials

These are my favorite ads from this year's so-so bunch.

"I'm sure there's a reason for it."


Robert Goulet sells you his nuts.


This didn't play during the Super Bowl but it has excellent cats in it and it's fricken hilarious.

Also check this absurd ad for Flomax which is for guys "who want to spend more time having fun and less time in the restroom."

Here's to Flomax!

The Correct Way To Hold A Press Conference

Here's how Prince announced he would be playing the SuperBowl's halftime show.