Brownlow 14: And The Winner Is...That Guy From The Blue Lagoon.

Please Be Upstanding For The Winner Of The 2014 Brownlow Medal.

Last Round: Priddis has won it. Now we're going to see if he shares it. No. He gets more votes and wins outright. Beats Fyfe. At the TAB he paid $41. See. Betting on the Brownlow is a mug's game.

The AFL and the city councils of Australia breath a huge sigh of relief.

We have avoided a riot.

The text messages I'm receiving are unkind to the result.

Now let's find out who this Matt Priddis is.

He seems nice, almost sounds embarrassed to win it. He shouldn't.

Though I suspect it's not a popular result.

Brownlow 14: This Brownlow Will Break Twitter.

Twitter right now.

Round 21: Nathan Jones the reader. Solid performance. Buddy kicks nine this game. He gets the three votes. He's on 20. Not enough. Selwood gets nowt. No votes to Priddis.

Round 22: Riewoldt reads again. He does something interesting with his hands. I don't know what it is. Maybe holding a small animal. Pendles on 16. Selwood can't win. See? Outright favourites never have a chance. Buddy can't win because they rested him in the last round. 22 votes.

"Gill, you are a tease." - Bruce McAvaney.

Fyfe is ahead.

Priddis has won it with one less vote.

Twitter is about to melt with anger.

Brownlow 14: Matt Who?

Tweet of the night.

Round 18: Nick Reiwoldt is good at reading. Hymie still too fast. This proves him as a failure as an AFL boss. Dangerfield is on lots of votes.

Round 19: Gary Ablett reads this round. I'm scared this reading will earn him votes. Selwood moves to 18. I don't think he has enough. Priddis equal second 21. AWKWARD. DISQUALIFIED FYFE HAS HIT THE LEAD. I'm worried for the SEN producers who have to field all the "THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE BROWNLOW" calls they're going to get.

Matt Priddis might win the Brownlow.

"Matt who?" Australia asks.

Lucy has sent a text from bed complaining about how boring the Brownlow is.

Round 20: Another favourite, Jordan Lewis gets his 7th. Selwood 19. Fyfe on 25, up by 1. Priddis on 24.

Bruce interviews Matt Priddis to show us what Matt Priddis looks like.

Brownlow 14: The Viewers Who Contribute To The Channel 7 App Percentages Are Stupid.

I was looking for a photo of sand to make the last sentence of this update work. I found this. It's excellent.

First with the Lifeborker Mark of the Year. That was a typo. A great typo. Thank you typo gods. Uninteresting interview with the winner, Chad Wingard. I can't remember this happening before. A waste of time. Get on with it.

Ablett on 22. Kennedy on 17. Dangerfield on 15. Buddy on 15. I have money on Buddy! I will be rich! $5 at 20/1.... I will be a hundredaire!

Round 16: Did I say earlier that Kennedy won't win it? I could be wrong. He's on 17. Ablett has conceded defeat.

Round 17: Jarrad McVeigh's reading is rural drawl. I like it. Will Minson gets his one vote for the year. Selwood moves to 15. Cotchin on 13. Dangerfield on 18. Fyfe on 20. Kennedy on 20.

63% of the viewers on the channel 7 app still think Ablett will win it.

100% of people who download and contribute to the stats on that app are as stupid as sand.

Brownlow 14: Gary Ablett Junior Hasn't Got Enough To Win Tonight.

Not tonight, Jr. (well, maybe they'll rig it so he does. Who knows.)

"Without the community, AFL is just another sport, battling for market share." - Winner of the Jim Stynes good guy award, Beau Waters.

Okay then.

Round 13: Travis Cloke gets three votes so we can look at his haircut again. Hymie has stepped up the pace to disclaimer on a car dealer radio ad speed. "LMCT 71717171 votes" I couldn't understand a word he said. Everyone on twitter wants him to slow down. But he doesn't read twitter because, would you read twitter if everyone hated everything you do?

Round 14: Callan Ward reads. He's not the best reader tonight but he's doing his best. He says "undies" and nobody laughs. Pendles onto 10. Boak on 14. Another favorite, Heppel on five.

Round 15: Pre haircut Trent Cotchin is reading. Gorgeous timing. Gorgeous hair. Ablett gets his last votes. 22. It won't be enough. Five players got 22 or over last year.

Dean Bailey and Tom Hafey tribute. I might have a little break while I weep. I loved Tommy.

Brownlow 14: I'm Not Sure If They Have Had Their Mains Yet.

Round 9: No votes for Collingwood against Adelaide. Was a tough year to be a pies supporter. Hymie is still reading fast and Lucy is still reading that ballet article. Ablett on 17. Dangerfield is on 14. It's ridiculous how many votes Ablett is getting.

Round 10: Read by Travis Boak. A credible reading. Ablett gets off elbowing someone's head off this round. Obviously the tribunal is rigged. Pendles is on seven or eight. Hymie is doing that slight pause drama thing already when reading Ablett game votes.

Round 11: Read by Jed Adcock. Lots of expression. I'd love to hear him read Under Milkwood. Buddy only seven votes. Beams on 11. Another smart money favorite, Robert Gray is on five. People are stupid if they thought he'd win it. Lucy is saying "Look how bored everyone looks. Have they had their mains yet?" I'm a Brownlow Footy's Night Of Nights Expert but I don't know the answer to this question.

Montage of Luke Ball and other retired footballers looking sad.

And now a toast to the retirees.

Awkward television.

Round 12: Andrew Swallow puts in a nice little read. Flair and timing. Footage of that funny fill in Hawthorn coach. Selwood isn't getting many votes. Pendles moves onto nine. Ablett on 18. He only has three more games to get votes. That makes 27. That's how many Selwood got last year. Ablett? He got 28.

Brownlow 14: The Scariest Footy Card Ever.

The disturbing Garry Jack NRL footy card I had when I was a child.

Round 5: Joel Selwood isn't very good at reading. Lucy is reading about ballet in the New Yorker. I'm sure she picked the article to wind me up but I'm not falling for it. Ablett on nine. Selwood gets nowt.

Round 6: Read by Jobe Watson. His neck is shaved in this reading but when we cut to him in the crowd it's very hairy. Too hairy. I'm confused. Dane Swan should get three here in his Anzac winning game. He does. Onto five. Ablett onto 12. Everyone's in a hurry. Even Bruce. I'm eating salad with a spoon.

Hamish McLaughin' is referred to as "The King Of The Kids". He interviews an Auskick girl onstage. It's amusing. The kid is funny. She's learnt her lines. They're good lines. Then a collection of Auskick kids saying funny things. It's funny to see how bemused they are when McLaughin' asks them things.

Round 7: Jack Grimes reads. He says that this game was the first time he's been in a win with Melbourne. I'd be sad about that but I can't stand Melbourne. Jamie Elliot gets three votes against Carlton. Ablett on 14. All the smart money was on Kennedy for Sydney. He moves onto six. The Brownlow rule still stands: There's only dumb money in Brownlow betting.

Round 8: Garry Jack's son reads. It looked like one of Garry Jack's balls was hanging out of his shorts on the Garry Jack NRL footy card I had in the 80s. Indeed, it's a collector's item. Ablett is on 14 votes.

TAB ad masquerading as content.

I thought that was over.

Brownlow 14: Hymie Is Reading Too Fast.

This happened when Hymie read too fast in rehearsal.

Round 2: Pav is reading the round up. He's good at reading. A seagull shat on someone this round. Dustin Martin is looking smashing in a nice shirt. Really brings out the neck tatt. Another player who didn't shave his neck. Pendles gets his first three votes. Selwood one.

Round 3: Someone called Phil Davis reads this round up. He's good at reading too. Nice emphasis. Hymie is reading too fast. No emphasis. Just blur reading. It's a good thing I suppose because his talking book of the last Harry Potter only goes for 17 minutes.

Basil Zeppelin interviews Buddy and (we're supposed to call her this) "his model girlfriend". Nothing interesting to report.

Round 4: Pendles reads it. So much vision in this reading. Silky and gifted emphasis, though he sounds a bit like a squirrel. He's on five votes now. Selwood early leader on eight. A bunch of bums on six.

Brownlow 14: Boom Crash Opera Open Proceedings.

Gillon McLaughin' after his player final pronunciation class yesterday.

Yes. Boom Crash Opera. Not Timberlake. Not Robbie Williams. Not Aussie hip hop. Boom Crash Opera, standing together in an awkward pile, playing in front of a montage. This is entertainment, folks.

This is Gillon's first footy's night of nights. From now on I'm calling Gillon McLaughin' Hymie.

Round 1. My tagine is ready. Votes have started and my wife has said, "I can't believe this is televised," for the first time tonight. She'll say it at least 18 more times.

Selwood got votes. So did Gary Jr. Hymie is reading too fast.

Ad break and tagine break.

Brownlow 14: More Bloody Red Carpet.

Jobe Watson doesn't shave his neck. It didn't work for Paul McCartney and it doesn't work for him.

Jimmy Bartel's girly's frock has some weird buckles on it.

Disgraceful businessman and purveyor of hitmen, Geoffrey Edelstein's new bore, Gabi Grecko is dressed as a stupid machine. It has so many metal things, spiky things and stupid ideas all over it. Edelstein has stupid glittery designs all over a cheap looking expensive suit. I can't stand those people. They should be barred from all events.

Now for a paid segment when....hold on. TRENT COTCHIN HAS CUT HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR. SHORT BACK AND SIDES DON'T SUIT COTCHIN'S BEAUTIFUL RICH HAIR. This is a tragedy. I'm not a homosexualist. I just like beautiful hair, and Trent's is the beautifullest.

Work experience boy is interviewing his partner about her dress. It's strange, awkward television.

There's a stupid pink carpet set up at the SCG turf for the Sydney players. Basil Zeppelin has the job interviewing Josh Kennedy and his girlfriend. More awkward television.

Everything is stupid.

Brownlow 14: Red Carpet Special Part 1.

I trot this one out every Brownlow night.

It's time for the partners to sparkle and the work experience kids to host.

Channel 7 work experience girl host has a long split in her dress. It's a bit awkward. Channel 7 work experience boy has a suit on. He played for Footscray. He's talking to a Kelvin Cunnington and his partner. That's his name isn't it?

Work experience girl is talking to a long haired player and his girlfriend who is dresses as an Egyptian princess. Thing is, she isn't an Egyptian princess. But they did holiday in the Maldives last holidays, she tells us.

Shoes. Gowns. Fake eye lashes. Montages.

The McLaughing brothers are interviewing each other. They look like and think like robots.

Bob Murphy has rock hair. Travis Cloke's girlfriend always starts her mornings with horses. Trav has a very sharp looking haircut. They just got back from Fiji, they tell us.

Drew Petrie's lady friend looks a bit art deco. We don't find out where they're holidaying this year.

Juddy and Bec. They own this night. She's dressed as a wedding cake. They just holidayed in Perth and will be off to Noosa later on in the week.

Montage.

I'm off to put the potatoes in the tagine.

Brownlow 14: Yes. I'm Doing It Again Like I Do Every Year.

Here we go.

 

Yes, this baby counting book exists. 

I Thought I'd Give That New U2 Album In My itunes Library A Listen.

"Just six days after its release on iTunes, a record-breaking 33 million people have already listened to the album." - Eddy Cue, Apple.

"I don't know why I bothered." - Glenn Peters.

Here's what I typed.

The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)
It starts with one of those everyone with a beard choruses, then The Edge does some bad-up bad-up bad-up business and then we hear Bono sound a hell of a lot like Ian Astbury singing to us about being young or something or rather. "I was young. Not dumb. Something about pilgrims and miracles." I'm thinking about everything other than Joey Ramone in this song. If it was a true tribute to Joey, this dribble would have been finished at two minutes.

Every Breaking Wave.
This sounds like U2 sounding like Coldplay sounding like U2. I love Brian Eno. But he loves both these mobs more. He probably had something to do with this. I'd know for sure but the liner notes PDF won't open on a Macbook. Thanks Apple. You're on top of things. Bono is singing loudly about waves and shores and captains. "Are we so helpless against the tide?" Very Eurovision. I'm not sure if I can make it through this.

California (There is no end to love)
An interesting Eno like voice loop put to a halt by a driving bass line and Bono. They sure pack a lot of sound into these sound files now. 8 megs of drive fast FM radio bombast. This song will be very popular at your local gym.

Song for Someone
"This is a sooooowhowooooahhoahh for someone" It's a song about lights not going out and conversations and stuff. You've heard it lots of times already. The Edge does some guitary things and then goes back to the health retreat.

Iris (Hold Me Close)
Retro U2 sounds. If you still like this band you will probably love this song the first few times you hear it. Then you'll forget it even existed. The Edge plays that riff he used to play back in the 1980s and then goes back to his farm.

Volcano
Apparently this song and the one before it are inspired by when Bono's mum and grandad died. So you should feel guilty for deleting this album from your iTunes library. Problem is..

"Your eyes were like landing lights,
They used to be the clearest blue, 
Now you don’t see so well
The future’s gonna land on you," 

...aren't really lyrics a human would write.

I don't know why this song exists.

Raised by Wolves
This song is about bombs going off in the streets of Dublin in the 70s and heroin. The band would think that this is a very important song. So would their publicists.

Cedarwood Road
This sounds like a pitch for a new Bond theme but it's not. Bono sings about his teenage years being a war zone. It's all getting loud and serious here in my lounge room. My ears are getting tired from all the shouting.

Sleep Like A Baby Tonight
Another fricken song about growing up in Ireland in the 70s. That's three in a row. "Tomorrow dawns like a suicide" I don't know what that means. The Edge ends this with a big fat guitar solo and then pops down the shops for some cheese for tonight's pasta bake.

This is Where You Can Reach Me Now
Second last bit of bombast. It starts with one of those vocal things the kids love right now where everyone sings together in a barrel choruses, but the everyone singing together in a barrel is just lots of Bonos singing together in a barrel. It's supposed to be a tribute to The Clash but just like the tribute to Joey Ramone, it sounds like a tribute to U2.

Make it end.

The Troubles 
Another reference to Ireland in the 70s but I don't have an idea about what it's about. Something about stepping inside your soul. It's slow. It's loud. And I want it out of my lounge room. I hate this song. I really hate this song. Waiting for the bit when The Edge closes it with a guitar solo. C'mon Edge. Hurry up. There it is. The Edge finishes it with a solo and then calls Carlos Santana for a round of golf.

Now off to itunes, select all and delete.