I'm Back: Brownlow Medal 2009

Round one and I’m a little nervous. I put some cash on Dane Swan to win the thing and hedged it with a little on Chris Judd. If Gary Ablett wins this I stand to lose a whopping $25. I loved Dane’s 2009. Never seen a harder runner. Then again, I’m not sure if I’ve seen a better player than Ablett. Don’t tell any Cats supporters I said this.

Before the show, the best and most absurd looking blonde on the car sponsored ‘blue carpet’ was Geoff Edelston’s kooky broad. Yah yahs everywhere. Anyway here for the votes for round one.
Ablett is on three votes and Swan on one vote. Crazy already. We know Ablett drops off so I’m not too excited yet. Great to see Swanny on the board.

Sandy Roberts is wearing a mission brown suit. Awesome.

Bland montage number one is about Nick Del Santo. Should I go put the rice on? Nah, let’s live crazy. Weird ad with a guy carting a poker machine around with him on a night on the turps. Well, not weird, just advertising school style wannabe smart. “Gambling getting in the way of your social life?” Yawn.

Neil Kerney, a voice over guy who specialises in larrikins and true blue Aussies talks us into another montage. Fans looking sad and happy and the Ruddster struggling with the Carlton theme song. Ew! A couple dry rooting at the footy.

Round two.
Ablett with another two and Swan no votes. Alan Didak gets two. Alan will probably beat Swanny. I loved Alan until a few weeks ago. Brian Lake looks like an extra fresh outta NIDA. Didn’t get a role in Underbelly so had to settle for a spot on the Footscray backline.
Tim Watson interviews Nick Riewolt. So serious. Such a pointy looking face.

Round three.
Heath Shaw violated an umpire by ‘touching’ him on the arm this round. No Brownlow for you. Ablett gets one vote. I thought he was awesome that game or was I watching Chapman. Bald people all look the same when you’re drunk at the footy. No votes to Swanny. Danyle Pearce’s family gets the bogan crazy name spelling of the round award. My spell checker will struggle with these new age names tonight.

Ads. Why do Olympians insist on doing fast food ads? And how good is the new Good Guys ad? So much going on you see something new every time you watch it. This time I notice a guy gong his noggin with a frypan. Genius.

Back to show. Is that Dipper’s daughter? Phwoar! Surely not.

Round four.
Gary Ablett gets 463 possessions. Should move to nine votes. Yawn. Pendles gets three votes and sips from a very tall glass. With that three piece suit he looks more like he’s about to take part in a pool comp than go footy’s night of nights. Richo gets three votes. Remember how exciting last year was when Richo nearly won it?

Round five.
ANZAC Day. We got killed but it was in the wet so he might sneak one vote. Ablett with only 432 possessions. I was right. Swanny sneaks the one vote and Ablett three. I liked it when Demitrio called, “A Swallow two votes,” because I am puerile. Dal Santo is one behind Ablett and Judd nowhere near. Looks like I’m losing my cash again this year.

Now an Ablett montage. Make it stop.

Car ad with a midget. I would have preferred a monkey. Before we get to round six we have some knob interviewing kids. Television producers are a low bunch.

Round six.
Footage of Ablett getting his groin rubbed. He’ll probably get votes from the hospital bed. Tarks with the three votes. Leon Davis looks bored. Chapman equal third due to that hair thing I was talkin’ about.

Round seven.
We got killed by a million points by St Kilda on a Monday night. I prefer to watch Media Watch than that shit. Monday night football. Fuck off. So angry about the concept of Monday night football, I’ll ignore the rest of the round. Shit.
Akermanis does some allegedly funny thing about blonde football players. A tumbleweed crosses the stage, and we get back to the show.

Round eight.
Carlton killed Collingwood. I remember coming home from that game. Almost cried. Ablett and Dal Santo are equal lead. Demitrio says “R NAH HAS two votes.” Gorgeous delivery of a gorgeous name.

Round nine.
There’s that footage of the kid crying at the Richmond game. Don’t care how young they are – there’s nothing more satisfying than the cry of a disgruntled Richmond supporter.
Ablett back with three votes to 15. Nobody will come near. Swan gets his third. Only 12 behind. Football is rigged. Sandy Roberts reckons it will be an exciting night. It will only exciting if Geoffrey Edelston’s broad’s R NAH HAHS pop out.

There’s an Ultratune ad with a bloke talking to some other broad about getting his car worked on. He’s wearing a paper bag. So are the wife and kids! So funny. Actually it’s not. If I submitted that one to me old boss, he would have punched me hard in the gob. Apologies to any potential employers who may have wrote that one. But really, it’s a sad lookin’ ad.

Pants down and itchy ball montage.

Round ten.
Dane Swan has something stuck up his nose and Brendan Fevola is drunk.

Round eleven.
Lenny Hayes joins Ablett on 16 points for the lead for approximately 1.5 minutes. Swan can’t buy a vote.

Another montage, this time hosted by Steve Curry and the other guy on the Toyota ad. Fevola plays with his wedding tackle a lot apparently.

After the ad yet another montage- this time in super slow motion, much like footy’s night of nights.

Round twelve.
We see Dan Laidley throwing a telephone. How can Sydney get most the votes when we win the game? Alan has his shirt sleeves up. Great fashion move. No votes for Swan.

Round thirteen.
I’ve lost interest. So has Alan. He gets another 3 votes. Makes him equal with Swan at 8 votes. Ablett now on 22.

Rebecca Twigley is dull like her BF.

Round fourteen.
Swan is out of it. So is Judd. There goes my money. Demetrio says NAH HAHS loudly again. The world watching yell it back to him. Demetrio stumbles. Swan only one vote. This is the shittiest Brownlow ever.

At last a montage worth watching. A tribute to Bobby Skilton. Love to have him over for a cuppa one day.

Denis Cometi has a funny looking head.

Round fifteen.
I like Dane Swan’s shirt. There’s a black lining on the collar. Classy in a bogan sort of classy way.. Didak on 11 and is horribly drunk. This show is deep. Fevola is off his face. Get a sms from Katia pointing out that Fev should get a formal warning tomorrow.

Round sixteen.
Go Judd. I need him go win this to get my money back. Not a chance but it’s nice to hope. Ablett is on 23 votes.

Round seventeen.
Lucy: “Why do they have to do this vote counting live?”
Me: “Because it’s awesome.”
At last Swan gets a three. Johnathon Brown is within 5 votes of snatching it. Not a chance. Demetrio is doing that pause for dramatic effect thing for every player within 20 votes of Ablett. Tedious.

Round nineteen.
There’s no way I’m going to make my money back. Ablett is going to win it. Demetrio trying to do the drama thing but come on, really.

Round twenty.
Footage of the fabulous Richmond brawl. Swan got 553 possessions and will be lucky to get a vote. Ablett got 44332 disposals and will get 6 votes for his effort. I was right. Swan didn’t get a vote and Ablett… wins the Brownlow. Leads by 7 with 2 rounds to go.

Brownlow rigged. Swan robbed. At least Gary Garry Ablett is a nice kid.

Oh, and he can play.