Nicknaming's Golden Rules

George Bush is crap at remembering people's names so he gives everybody he meets and works with nicknames. He calls his senior advisor, Karl Rove the cutesy name, Turd Blossom.

I like nicknames. I like using them. I like making them up. But there are some golden rules you must abide by if you don't want to ever be laughed out of the stadium.

The Golden Rule: DO NOT EVER make up your own nickname.
It could be the most stupid, daggy, embarrassing, pathetic and sad thing you could ever do. Making up nicknames is your mates' job. Your mates haven't given you a nickname? Go out and get yourself a new bunch of mates. Join a footy club. Do anything but make up your own nickname.

Hot Dogs made up his own nickname. Remember how much of a pathetic site it was to see him on the first night in the Big Brother house introducing himself to everyone? "Hi, I'm Hot Dogs!"

Nobody was listening. Nor should they.

Crispian Mills from 90's Brit Pop also-rans, Kula Shaker gave himself the name, The Flash. See, that's what happens if you call your son Crispian.

If you've been known under a nickname for years and you suddenly want to be known by your real first name. Bad luck.
Only way out of this is again, get another new bunch of mates. This time don't join a footy or cricket club. Try joining your local scrabble club. Old scrabs ladies don't use nicknames.

Do not infiltrate.
If there's something more annoying and pathetic than a bloke who gives himself a nickname is the same bloke who runs around the group using long used nicknames to a bunch of mates he's only known for a few hours. As much as a nickname is earned, the right to use someone else's alias in conversation is earned.

A good rule of thumb is to only call someone by their nickname when you know the story about how they came to earn it.

Learn everybody's real names.
Weddings can be embarrassing when you're trying to complement Dud Root's mum's efforts with the chicken wing and tomato casserole.

Introduce yourself with your own first name.
Not an essential rule. Merely a matter of taste and class.

Hi, I'm Glenn. But I've also answered to Peters, Glenny, Glennis, Gleenis, Stout, GP, Twenty, Nudge, Gwendoline and Dixie.

And a big hello to Jack, Skipper, Macca, Magilla, Cockwallet, Dicko, Methers, Dud Root, Bamen, Rudeboy, Ray, Carny, Freddy, Johnny Livewire and Squidge!