Friday, September 28, 2007

My Grand Final Joke

I was in the bank today and there were footy streamers and flags all over the place.

While cashing a cheque I ask the teller, "So, what are you doing for the Granny?"

Teller replies, "Dunno. If she doesn't leave soon, we're calling in Social Services."

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Reasons To Be Cheerful

Carpark on Elizabeth Street, city.

Outside Harley shop, Elizabeth Street, city.

Alley, Northcote.

St Vincents Hospital, city.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Clash Of The Titans: Hits And Memories

Like a football final, tonight's Clash of the Titans is most special in its anticipation. And like everyone else at the show tonight, I have history with this super line-up of The Stems, Radio Birdman and Hoodoo Gurus.

The Stems
They were one of the great pointy toed shoe power pop bands of the 80's. Not as popular as The Church but cool as fuck. Wear a Stems t-shirt and a tiny bit of that coolness would be yours.

I went out with a girl drummer for a little while. She was a bit of a freak but hell, she liked me and I liked her and whatever, she was a girl drummer for crissakes! Her family house bedroom was a single bed, big arse drumkit and a heap of Cure posters.

Thrilled to be showing off the kit she gets on and drums a short solo.
"What's this?"

Dah dee de doh doh. De doh doh. De doh doh. De doh doh.

"No idea."

"At First Sight by The Stems, you dickhead!"

"Of course. I am a dickhead."
Radio Birdman
If The Stems were cool, Radio Birdman were scorching. There wasn't a band back in my olden days who came near. Their symbol (pictured) was a calling for our rock'n'roll regiment to fight our way out of whatever you would wanna fight out of. There's gonna be a new race and the kids are gonna start it up!

Back then it cost stupid amounts for any of their stuff on vinyl. Collectors all over would charge hundreds for any of it. I found a copy of the Burn My Eye EP at my local record shop for $20 which was a shitload back then. Bought it on the day I did my HSC Biology exam.

Didn't do to well in that exam.

The Hoodoo Gurus
Australia's most special band since The Easybeats. Cool, daggy and fun all at once. I reckon I saw them play at least 20 times.

Almost the best night of my life was the night they played at Deakin in Geelong. Under controversial circumstance I was one of the two to make the decision to book the band to play the uni. Young Labor AND the Young Liberals hated the idea and they did their best to get the show canned. Legal and bomb threats aside, the gig went ahead.

Working the bar, I was passing free beer all night to an attractive girly from my journo class. After the show she was soaked with beer and the sweat of a hundred surfers. That's what you get when you're feisty and it's your duty to endure the moshpit because you never missed a Gurus show no matter what.

On the way home in the taxi I was so drunk and excited cos the gig kicked arse despite the major parties push against it and most excellentally I had the girly's phone number in my back pocket. So excited that when I went to throw up out the taxi window I rolled the window UP instead of DOWN! The driver was a good sport, cleaning the chunder and offering to drive me to emergency. Bless 'im!

Me and the girly hooked up a week after that gig at Outlaw Hard'n'Fast and it lasted um... over 12 years.

Better get me shit together. The Stems go onstage at 8.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Mess+Noise Twerp Not Into "Popcorn Flicks"

Here's a great little discourse from the Mess and Noise discussion pages I had with a dim little twerp named entroducing....
Subject: favourite international films

said 33 minutes ago

i'm about to go on a shopping spree for a birthday present, on dvd's on ebay, specifically ones you wouldnt usually find in your average blockbuster etc etc.

I'm specifically interested in asian (south korean and japanese), european and independent american film.

So to build up a good shopping list, list some of your favourite films of the independent/arthouse/old favourites that might fall into this category here.

I'll get the list started with a few suggestions to give the idea of what i might be after

* Werner Herzog/Klaus Kinski box set
* Infernal Affairs 1/2
* A Bittersweet life
* Down By Law
* 3 Iron
* Vengeance is mine

said 22 minutes ago:

Bachelor Party


Don's Party

You can get either for under $15. There's Porky's/Bachelor Party set for about $10.

said 17 minutes ago:

thanks nightwatchman but im not really after popcorn flicks. not that there is anything wrong with them. more after peoples favourite innovative world cinema.

said 8 minutes ago:

I just laughed so much I shat.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Shock Newspaper Study Revelations: Some Footy Fans Drink Before Going To The Footy

In a Walkely Award deserving triumph of investigative journalism, the Herald Sun found that two out of three fans had drunk alcohol before the glorious game at the MCG on Saturday night.

One third of the 60 tested registered a blood alcohol reading that exceeded the 0.05 legal driving limit with the highest reading of 0.164.

Of course the paper enlisted an outraged, dial-a-quote-academic, Melbourne Uni's professor of global health, Rob Moodie.

"(The statistics) show the ubiquity of alcohol in our society and the fact that it's getting worse rather than better," he said.

"I'm a little surprised by it, that people need to be fuelled up to go to the footy."

Aw, fuck off.

We don't 'need' to be 'fuelled up' to go to the footy. We just prefer it.

But the professor gets even more stupidistic.

"The social culture of the footy is something we want to keep. That's why venues need processes about how they sell and distribute alcohol.

"You want to keep your alcohol consumption moderate so you can remember the game and enjoy it."

The paper would have got themselves a bigger scoop if they tested fans on the way out of the ground as it was almost impossible to get a full strength beer at the ground on the night.

The little members bar we usually get a cheeky Melbourne stubbie at half time was only serving mid-strength out of the one tap.

As charming as young Claudia, the girl who was pouring the beers was, she couldn't keep up with the demand of a queue running out the door into the next bar.

The biggest outrage is not that fans drink somewhere else before the game. No wonder they do. Instead the scandal is that if the game is on at night adults can't be trusted to drink full strength beer while watching the game.

Enough of the paternalistic, greedy (mid-strength costs the same as full) and class bias (While the public and season ticket holders have no access to it, members get full strength at their own bars and corporate box whores get to drink all the bogue piss they can handle).

This class bias is the most despicable.

Luckily democracy, justice and common sense is championed by Don Owen, 28, of Mooroolbark, who was pleased with his 0.098 reading, which he described as "grouse".

"You've got to be good at something."
Cheers, Don!

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Grand Final Pre Match Entertainment Can Be Entertaining

Let this gorgeous footage of Marvin Gaye nailing the Star Spangled Banner be an impassioned plea.

Build a five kilometer buffer zone around the MCG to keep Shannon Noll and any other Idol contestant the hell away from this year's Grand Final.


I'd rather hear toilets flush.

Thanks Shane for the heads up on this one.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Drover's Dog 07: My Brand New Dog Blog!

Woof farken woof!

Another Nightwatchman offshoot.

Drover's Dog 07
, yet another election commentary blog.

But this one might get silly.

Here's an extract of the first posting....
Political blogs have been around forever. Just now, there's too many to read and fark, they're long winded and take it all too ridiculously seriously. You been to Online Opinion and Larvatus Prodeo lately? For fark's sake. Click the 'continue reading' buttons on their articles and you're stumped with a 2000 word article followed by 87 impassioned comments. Get through that and well, let's look at the word check for the top liner for today's Larvatus Prodeo and you got, I merde you non Monsieur, 5,040 words.

You won't get that here. I'm already bored of this posting and gee, we're only at 181 words. Besides, my regular readers at The Nightwatchman don't do commenting. They prefer to skim the article, giggle at the pics and then go back and stalk some more poor good lookin' bastards on Facebook.

Why call it Drover's Dog 07?
Because as of today, September 6th Howard's got no chance in hell of winning this one. Work Choices farked him up big time and he's so far behind nothing can save it. So the famous saying can be well and truly applied, even a drover's dog could lead Labor to victory.
All the drover's dog has to do now is play dead and he's got Howard boned.

Let's watch.
Oh, and the latest posting features a disturbing photo of John Howard's son, Rowland S Howard.

Very disturbing.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Great Moments In Web History: Polly Makes It Big On I Can Has Cheezburger

Here's the moment her dad's dream came true (click pic for a readable version).

She's got a four and a half star rating and so far over 118 comments from Lolcat aficionados across the planet.

Here's some of the most entertaining comments.
SarahD: Iz cheezburger divining rod… BOIINNNG!!

Antoinette: I pity da fool who trai and taek my stick.

Myfrisbee: WIN!

snippet: O.M.G. We hav a winnar. No furthur entrees needed. Dat is so purfikt!

Kevin: Judge me not by the size of my light sabre!

Flartus: kitteh r fishin’ fur burds…otherwise knowed as “burdin’.”

amy: lol i like this caption it just works too well.

Becca: Wood chuck to gray squirrel…come in gray squirrel…

D.R: Dis a lucky speshul stiek!

Hailey Efron: wow thats great , i loved a stick once too!

BonzoGal: Dis iz mah stik. Iz nawt ur stik, iz mah stik. Mine. U cannot has. In fakt, don’t ebin luk at mah stik. U can has dat pebbul behind mah butt. No, on sekkond thot, dat mine also.

ctate: Dowsing fer cheezburgrs.

Dustbunny: In Soviet Russia, stick lufs u.

Quiltchicken: Iz LOG - LOG!

B!: Iz ok, kitteh, yoo kin luf a stik, wee nawt laff atchoo fur luvvin it. Eben big kittehs kin luv sumpin….

We nawt tink less uv yoo fur luvvin it…[snicker] …reellee….!
Vote for Polly and read the many more strangely written (language: Lolcat), comments at I Can Has Cheezburger a here's the story of the making of a star.

I wonder if Milo will make the big time?

What Late Night Pay TV Taught Me

Neil Young recently had a brain aneurysm.

Spellcheck tells me I nailed the word, aneurysm first time.

Emmylou Harris looks like a doll.

A pretty but disturbing lookin' doll.

Neil Young's lovely old Martin guitar was first owned by Hank Williams.

When doing Harvest Moon, Neil gets an old guy on stage to sweep a broom on a doormat as some sort of percussive instrument.

In some parts of Uzbekistan when you give a cot as a gift to a newly married couple, it's customary to include a bedpan which goes under the cot.

A homemade, wooden catheter leading down to the bedpan must be added to the baby's new urinary ensemble.

Uzbek babies don't do nappies at night.

I got the spelling of Uzbekistan right on my second attempt.