Tuesday, August 28, 2007

It's High Shorts Weather!


Correct.


Incorrect.


Incorrect.

Note Robbie Flower's stamen bulge.


Incorrect.


Incorrect.

THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY 500TH POST ON THE NIGHTWATCHMAN!

Keh?


Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton drives the crazy sentence bus way beyond zone 3.

Monday, August 27, 2007

You Mind If We Play Through?

Played my last round of golf before my knee reconstruction at the posh, Jack Nicklaus designed, Heritage Golf & Country Club on Friday.

When I say posh, think posh as in Caddyshack or even the private sporting club in the Eddie Murphy/Dan Ackroyd triumph, Trading Places.

Here's a couple of sneaky shots of the massive gentlemen's changing rooms.

It's okay to look. I didn't shoot any sagging old club members.


Noice! Everything Mr Yeoh, Mr Cheung and Mr Walls (yes, printed names on lockers) could need after a ball chafing round of 18 including, fresh warm towels, complimentary sunscreen and Old Spice on tap.



And paintings of all the old golfing greats (except Harry Vardon. We'd be nowhere without the Vardon grip!) on the shitter walls.

To address Heritage's thoughtless oversight, here's a picture of Harry.



I thought of Harry when I hit this second shot onto a 310 metre par 4 green.



So excited about almost getting my second ever eagle I drove the motorized golf buggy somewhat erratically.



They weren't the only skidmarks experienced as Brett, my golfing partner had to change into a pair of the Country Club's complimentary underpants after I spun and almost flipped the buggy on the 17th fairway.

Fangin.

Lucky we were well endowed because we lost many balls in the rough during the round.

Here's me fishing one out of one of the course's many Jamie "Every Hole Shalt Have A Water Feature" Durie inspired pond/lake/swamp/creek things.

Brett took the photo on my camera=phone because he wanted to be there if I fell in.

I love the faith my mates have in me.



But I came through with the goods.

By shuffling the club out to....


As far....


As I could reach....


To...


Fish out....


With great....


Skill....


And....


With the perseverance....


And audacity....


That has made me....


A serviceable golfer...


I manage...


To...


Fish out...



A DUCK EGG!

Yes, I thought it was a ball until the very last second and no, I didn't put the egg on a tee and Happy Gilmore it to oblivion.

I would have been reduced to tears if I had to wipe duckling embryo remains off my five iron.

Fore!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

I Got Me A Ticket For The Rufus Show!


STALLS, Row J!

Only 161 sleeps!

Celebrate!

Monday, August 20, 2007

The World's Greatest War Reenactment


In July over 15,000 American nerds reenacted their Civil War's Battle of Gettysburg while many more thousands watched.

Happens every year.

But when it comes to historical reenactments nothing compares to Sunday's reenactment of the great brawl of 1974 at Windy Hill.

4,000 watched as has-been players, umpires, officials and police staged the historically accurate reenactment to raise money for cancer research.

I haven't been able to find out if there was a child actor playing the role of the six year old Richmond supporter who, amazingly and famously, was right in the middle of it.

In 2002, the now grown up James Ferguson told The Age he was on the ground with a policeman looking for his dad when the fight broke out.
"I went off to get a hot dog or a drink or something and on the way back I got lost. I told somebody I was lost, so they passed me over the fence to this policeman."

"He told me to stay with him and hold on to his coat, and we were walking around the ground looking for my parents. Then the 'blue' started, and it was just all-in. He ran on to the ground, so I just followed him."
Imagine his school show-and-tell on the Monday morning.

I so envy him.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I'm In A Geelong State Of Mind


On finding the Facebook group, I Wish I Lived in New York City.. I Belong There, I was inspired.

Not to move to New York City.

Oh no, anything but.

I was inspired to start my own Facebook group, I Wish I Lived in Geelong City.. I Belong There.

Join up today and we can pine for The Lyric nightclub, the express bus to Waurn Ponds, the tough Geelong Mall kids and the lovely job they've done on Eastern Beach.

Geelong Geelong a wonderful town!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Kids' Puzzle Or Absurdist Art: You Decide


Badumf!

Fizz!

Growl!

Gulp!

Hiss!

ZING!

From the current issue of fishing's essential periodical, Fishing Victoria Monthly.

Click image for a bigger version.

Monday, August 06, 2007

I'll Get Me Coat....

The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. I thought, that's Aboriginal.

Went through customs last week and the guy said he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you can go through."

"The bad news is that you have a lump on your prostate."

An amnesiac walked into a bar.

He said, "Do I come here often?"

Penguin walks into a bar and asks, "Have you seen my brother?"

Barman asks, "Dunno. What does he look like?"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.

"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Two snowmen are chatting.

First Snowman: "Can you smell carrots?"

A lady walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Why did the boy fail his exam?

Family issues.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Share With Us Your Painful Ebay Stories

Ebay's not new anymore.

We've all had good and bad experiences with it so let's share.

My most disturbing was years ago when me and me girly at the time decided we'd treat ourselves to a digital camera for Christmas.

After a month of research I found a Kodak in Fort Lauderdale in the United States for about half the price you could squeeze out of the dodgy fellas on Elizabeth Street.

We were so thrilled when the camera beat the Christmas post rush and arrived on the door two days before the big day. It was early in the digital days so we were ridiculously excited, taking hundreds of photos of our cat before lunchtime.

Ran out of room on the memory card so I looked to see if there was room on the camera's on-board hard drive to hold photos.

"Hold on, there's already a photo on this."

"What is it. Let's have a look!"

"Shit."

A photo of the proud seller's cock.

Alert.

And you could see his nerd stuff like hard drives, keyboards, printers and shit in the background.

Rang my sister to ask how we could wash a camera.

"Just wipe the lens with tissue and lens cleaner."

"No, WASH THE WHOLE CAMERA."

We declined to leave negative feedback.

Leave a comment in the comments thingy down there and we can work through our Ebay trauma together.