Two makeup artists spent at least 90 minutes each morning perfecting Anthony Hopkins' look, using £50,000 worth of prosthetics and a 'fat suit'. While three ex Hallmark bereavement card writers spent half a day and £195 (inc VAT) sucking all the life out of the screenplay.
I've spent lots of time in Melbourne's libraries lately. Here's what I've noticed.
Libraries are wasted on the students.
Libraries used to be quiet places.
Apparently now it's OK to talk loudly in a library.
Librarians are the library's loudest talkers.
Every library has a bloke who either: a) sleeps in the same chair at the same time, every day, b) borrows and returns and borrows again, the same book every day, c) does a little shit in the same corner near the reference section every second Thursday.
Libraries are bigger, warmer and quieter than a Department of Human Services funded boarding house.
Every library has a chess board. The State Library has a chess room bustling with old Eastern Block Europeans fighting about who's going to lose the game first.
Records of Australia's earliest online chess tournaments.
Indeed, the State Library's chess room has one of the biggest collections of chess books, magazines and tournament reports in the world. This makes it one of Melbourne's most boringly fascinating places.
I've only seen the East Melbourne library's chess board used by one man. He plays himself, though the rivalry and his in-game banter is as fierce and foul as you'd hear during a mid 1980s Collingwood Carlton game.
Melbourne's homeless have been playing 'winner stays on' on the playstation set up to play Fifa 9 in the library on Flinders Lane for the past three years. I have seen ciggies change hands on an exciting 3-2 result.
The Flinders Lane library also has a beautifully tuned piano on the second floor. You are only allowed to play the piano if you have a 'grade 5' or higher musical qualification. Though there should be a rule for taste. Vanessa Carlton tunes and free jazz make for difficult reading music.
Unless you're lucky enough to hear this homeless lady play...
Just beautiful.
The State Library Dome Room aint the awe-inspiring place of silence and wood it used to be.
But if you look closely...
Just a little plaque on one of the little Dome Room desks.
Computer games should be blocked on library computers. But they're not.
The local history section is wasted on the ancient library patrons. Have a quick look. You'll learn something brilliant.
I couldn't put it down.
Like did you know Nunawading was a local aboriginal word for 'coming'?
The fast computer check out system at the East Melbourne Library is one of the most thrilling pieces of technology I've seen. It knows what you have under your arm by electronic magic, letting you leave the place in less than 10 seconds!
The view from the desk as I type this blog.
The East Melbourne library is quite a pleasant building.
It's OK to come back. A few years ago there was a change in Melbourne councils, and the libraries they fund. This means your old $86.25 library fine from years ago may have been written off the library's system. Why you needed 19 months to read The DaVinci Code is anyone's guess.
Libraries are depressing if you need to go more than once a week.
This little guy wants his owner to stop reading comics already.
Round twenty something. 21 I think. No votes for Watson because they lost by a million points. No votes to Mitchell. he stays on 23. DANE ZORKO GETS 2 VOTES. I love Dane Zorko. Beams gets 2 to move to a respectable 19 votes. Cotchin on 20.
But Jobe Watson wins the Brownlow Medal.
He's on 30 and nobody can catch him.
Not even Judd.
Unless they change the rules right now to give Judd another. But they don't.
Round 22. I need Beams to poll and get a place but he doesn't. Ablett moves to 24. Cotchin moves to equal third 23. Round 23. Swan moves to 25. Mitchell and I think Thompson 26.
But it's over. Dane Swan hands over the medal to run off the stage to get stuck into a beer and a kebab (do they serve kebabs at the Casino?), and Mark Fitzpatrick tells us to charge your glasses and be upstanding (this will be one of the last times Dane will be upstanding all night), for Jobe Watson the 2012 Brownlow Medal winner.
The interview starts slowly. "What was going through your mind?" Watson doesn't say much interesting. Probably because the questions have been asked so many times before. Bruce is going through his whole career. it's like that boring bit of a rock biography when they talk about being young and having a dad and shit. I want this interview to end. It's so controlled. I do like his dad but. Met him and worked with Tim Watson for a day once. He was brilliant. Now they're talking about Old Xavs. Eugh. And now his partner, Ella. And the rest of the family, sisters, whatever.
Now to talk about his dad again. This is the bit that might get emotional. Bruce mentions Jobe's grandfather who died recently. But Jobe won't crack. He's tough under pressure.
This year's Brownlow Medal winner and his dad (well, I think he'll win it)
It's hotting up. Round 19. Watson in the lead with 29 with Ablett on 23 and Swan on 22. Watson gets three. I hate Essington.
Round 20. Collingwood killed Sydney. Beams should get votes, stealing off Swan. Swan was on drinking leave. He can't win it. No votes to Ablett!!! I hope this Essington guy wins it. He moves to 30. Mitchell on 23.
Only a few rounds to go and Watson will struggle to get votes. Ablett has a couple of best on grounds to go but I don't think he'll catch up.
Meanwhile on QandA... I don't care what happens on QandA.
Bruce interviewing Dane Swan. Dane rounding his vowels. Struggling with words. He gets through the interview without passing out.
As it says in the headline, Jobe will win it.
There will be a riot if Gary Garry Junior wins it.
Back to the footy. Round 17. Footage of a Freo player getting hit in the orchestra stalls. Cotchin moves to 15. Stephen Milne gets his second vote. Swan gets 2 in a losing game to 17 but Mitchell gets 3 to move to 18. Ablett on 21. No votes to Watson. Demetrious is slowing down for effect. Tedious.
Round 18 and Dane Swan was pretty awesome. Let's see how he goes. He's too far behind. Lenny Hayes onto 18. Why do non Saints supporters like Lenny Hayes? I do. I don't know why. It's against my nature. Swan gets the 3 and moves to 20. Ablett on 22. Watson. Does he get votes? No. They lost by 94 points. It would be a crime.
The round up board reckons Ablett comes home with a wet sail.
So we're all worked up after a Motorhead montage and what do they give us?
A long Jim Stynes tribute.
Anyway, now is a good time to look at twitter. Matthew Lappin has just tweeted the controversial "Our game is judged by how many not how effective." I completely agree. Obviously he's referring to the Ablett travesty against Collingwood.
Back to the Brownlow and Brian Stynes is crying. Bruce looks awkward. Mike Fitzpatrick is announcing a new award. A Jim Stynes community award for the player who does most for the community. We don't get to see the votes for this. Daniel Jackson of Richmond wins it. Beats Nick Maxwell and Jared Harbrow by only a few votes.
Early money on Harry O'Brien winning it next year for solving the Palestinian situation, the war in Sudan and the ongoing row between Russell Brand and Noel Gallagher.
Follow all that goodwill with that fucking Crown Casino ad.
Round 14 and we get more footage of Travis Cloke getting hit in the head with a footy. Clumsy clot. Bad at negotiating contracts but sure can play in Septembers. Nic Nat gets his 4th vote. Swan moves onto 15. Thompson 16 but Watson onto 26!
Round 15 and I need to go to the toilet. I will hold on. Judd onto 10. Cox onto 6. Cotchin is getting bugger all votes. Ablett moves onto 16. No votes to Watson. I can't hold on much longer.
Round 16 was when Juddy did the chicken wing. What a fucking plonker. He's only got about 10 votes. Happy with that. BUT HE GETS 2 VOTES DESPITE GETTING REPORTED. Unbelievable.
Round 12. The one thing I like about Jobe Watson being streets ahead is that he's beating Ablett. But I think Gary Gary Junior gets a few votes here. Lets' see. Nic Nat gets his second vote because despite everything you see and everything they say, he's not a great player. Ablett gets his 15th vote. Watson stays on 20.
Round 13. Rhyce Shaw got 3 votes. Swan gets his 12th. Beams gets his 11th. The Pies table looks tired and emotional. Watson on 23. Yes, 23 votes after 13 rounds. Flying.
Montage of angry fans to Joffa doing a Tim Rogers impersonation. It's all a bit weird. Confronting. Sad. I think they spelled it like this... THIS IS GRATENESS. Was that on purpose? If so, good pun.
Round 8 and Pendles gets his 11th. Jobe Watson leading on 14. Stanton 13.
Round 9 and we get this fantastic footage of a sign falling on Travis Cloke.
Demetriou refuses to slow the fuck down. Stanton on 14. Watson on 17. It's looking like Essington first and second. But they're about to lose a shitload of games. Pendles on 12. Beams gets his 4th. I have stupid money on Swan and Beams. It's not going to happen.
Which reminds me. Isn't it refreshing that this telecast hasn't been interrupted by a bunch of betting updates.
Shit. Spoke too soon. A TAB ad update thing. Very annoying.
Round 10 and it's Brett Kirk doing the voiceover. It's nothing like this because his hair is different.
Watson moves to 19 votes. That's quite a lead on Stanton and Pendles. Ablett gets 3 votes for his 53 possession game against Collingwood. That's what the umpires thought. The rest of the world thought Daisy Thomas easily had the better game. I did. One of Ablett's team mates shoved a table 53 sign in front of Ablett during the reading out of the votes. Pricks.
Round 11. Watson onto 20. Beams onto 7 and Swan on 11.
I'm still angry about Ablett getting the 3 votes in round 10.
Back after the break and Cameron Ling interviews Matthew Richardson and Brian Taylor. Then we move to an edited bit of Brian Taylor interviewing Matthew Richardson and a bunch of Channel 7 contracted players who are strapped to a lie detector.
Hey BT! Ask me a question! Ask me a question!
BT: Do viewers love it when Channel 7 commentators interview and share private jokes together?
ME: We hate it BT! We hate you all BT! Even Richo!
This is not Josh Kennedy's Columbian girlfriend. There you go.
Round 6. Dayne Beams gets his first votes. Dane Swan nowt. Ablett? Nowt. Someone called Rory Sloane gets his 6th vote. Demetriou gets to say ARR NAHAS for the first time. This is going way way way too fast.
Round 7. Brian Taylor does the voice over the montage thing. I loved BT as a player but he's really giving me the shits as a commentator. Especially after his hand in the Leon Davis balls up over the preseason.
The Sunts won their first game this round. I don't care. And Ablett got no votes. Richmond's Cotchin gets his first 3 votges. Swan moves to 8 with Pendles. Yes, I barrack for Collingwood. I don't care too much about the rest. Jobe Watson at the lead, a record 13 votes. He looks nervous.
Now an interview with some Sydney players via satellite in the Sydney rooms. Remember when they used to always cross over to Paul Roos via satellite from a different country every year? Oh. Basil Zempelis is interviewing a Josh Kennedy's Columbian girlfriend. Very very cringeworthy. And Bruce tells us that they met during the shooting of a TV ad, pronouncing "THERE YOU GO"
The Swisse Best Dressed Red Carpet Winner yesterday.
Round 3. I remember it well. The pain of getting flogged by Carlton. Judd gets his 6th vote. I hope he gets most votes and loses. Ablett gets his third 3 votes in a row. So rigged. He might get 50 votes if this keeps up. Not might, will.
"I'm stoked," he tells Cameron Ling. It's already embarrassing.
Round 4 and Israel Folou's first goal in footy gets on the highlight reel. Gary Ablett stuffs his leg this round. Jobe Watson onto 8. Dane Swan no votes. Despite thousands of people yelling into the TV, Demetriou won't slow down.
Is it round 5 or 6? I'm dizzy. I'm confused. Luke Darcy referred to a mark as a "catch". Dunderhead. ANZAC Day game. Swan gets best on ground. It was the most dominant best on ground I've seen since his coach played. Dangerfield gets his first 3 votes. Ablett is still on 9 votes.
This year the red carpet shit competition is called the Swisse Red Carpet Swisse Best Dressed Whatever. Don't know what vitamins have to do with frocks.
So away we go. Everyone's favorite night of watching footballers drink while listening to a bloke chant a bunch of numbers at the screen. It's boring. It's shithouse. And of course, it's the best TV ever.
And without further ado, Mick Malthouse reads something they wrote about Round 1 with Kiss playing in the background.
Demetriou starts reading. Really fast. Buddy has three votes. Simon Black gets three. Gary Ablett gets three votes. He's already winning. This is rigged. I'm already angry.
Round 2 and Cameron Ling reads stuff about what happened to a dance music soundtrack. Judd gets three. Jobe Watson gets his fourth. Dane Swan gets his first three votes. Slow down Demetriou. Ablett gets three votes again. It's fucking rigged.
Mark of the year montage. Gobsmacking marks. About 100 of them. Maybe more. Aww!! What mark!!! Awww!!! Awww!!!
It's only 8:28pm. Two rounds and a montage. So fast. But something will happen like an interview or a thousand crosses to sponsors and we'll be still watching this past midnight.
"I'm totally crazy, I know that. I don't say that to be a smartass, but I know that that's the very essence of what makes my work good. And I know my work is good. Not everybody likes it, that's fine. I don't do it for everybody. Or anybody. I do it because I can't not do it." - Maurice Sendak
Everybody is looking for the next big digital idea at SXSW Interactive. They should because it's where some of the biggest ideas we've seen in the last decade were launched. Twitter pretty much launched during the 2007 festival. The next year was Facebook's turn to take the limelight when Mark Zuckerberg took part in that infamous onstage interview. Then in 2009, Foursquare chose SXSW Interactive as the place they'd launch.
But this year didn't belong to a start up.
Though it did belong to a big idea.
It belonged to Jay Z.
A show just for a bunch of Interactive badge holders was announced early in the week. Then for the rest of the week, the big conversation in every seminar room, every bar and every taxi was "Have you got Jay Z tickets? Are you queuing for Jay Z?" Nobody was talking about Highlight. Nobody was talking about Group Me. Nobody was talking about the homeless wifi guys you saw on the news (I didn't see any, by the way). They were just talking about how they were going to get into the Jay Z show.
But Jay Z isn't a digital or social media startup, and that's where he wins.
He (and AMEX who were launching some sort of mobile payment thing none of us will ever use, promoted the show), was the ONLY and perhaps the first big music star to align himself with the digital crowd at SXSW Interactive.
That same digital crowd that EVERY OTHER musical act ignored are the same digital crowd who are paying popular entertainment's bills. Why choose to perform the next week at SXSW Music with hundreds of other bands, hacks and solo artistes when you can have people who run the internet...strike that out and upgrade.... run the zeitgeist.... all to yourself?
I was running with the argument that Jay Z's choice to play SXSW Interactive rather than with everyone else at SXSW Music as the biggest idea we'll see this year in Austin to anyone listening. Then during a taxi ride out of Austin's main drag, a mate told me about this Buzzfeed article which says pretty much the same thing, though beautifully...
Jay-Z is in some ways the validation we've all been searching for at SXSW, a legitimization of the reason we're all here. We didn't create or find the next app that's going to change the world, but Jay-Z — Jay-Z! a real-life mainstream superstar — played a show for us. Not for the SXSW Music crowd or film crowd, but for us, for the nerds. The very importantest of the nerds, even. We made it. We mean something.
Not convinced? Look closely at crowd in this footage.
Have you seen a nerdier bunch?
And how bloody happy do they look?
This joy, this performance, will be one of the reasons Jay Z will remain absolutely everywhere online for the next couple of years.
This is the first of a series of reports I'll do on being at SXSW Interactive 2012. I'm also available as your next freelance or full time copywriter. Call me on 0433360199 or email me at hotpies@gmail.com. I'm available right now.
Also you can read about the food I ate during my visit here and here.
The Doing You And Your Loved One No Favors Award goes to...
BIG GIRL
Happy Valentine's Day. Love you always. Pus.
The Shakespeare Was A Herald Sun Reader Award goes to...
DALE
To my dearest Dale, you are my most favorite male. It's you that puts a spark in my life and I promise not to ruin your Scanpan knife. Together we make light work. You've never once been a jerk. It's the way you make me feel. You caught me with your big fishing reel. We are in sync on the dance floor. But on x box I have the biggest score. You are my safety switch that never trips, we fit each other like a glove. This is my declaration of love. Kiam
The Cyrano De Bergerac Was Booked Out Award goes to...
GRIFFO
I want to grow old and disgusting with you love Marijke
The Oh, Not Another Restraining Order Award goes to...
HELEN MARY
My darling Helen. I still get heartbroken when i think of the day that you told me it was over etween us. Dressed in denim, your hair in pigtails and just 18. I used to think that you were the prettiest girl alive and when we fell in love I would tell myself every day that there would never be any other girl in my life but you. But I treated you bad when I loved you so and in the end I lost you forever. I never cheated on you Helen,and I will love you in secret until the day I die my darling. Your perfume "Fidji" keeps you near to me always. Your loving sweetpea G.
The Inappropriate Family Parlor Games Award goes to...
JOHNNY DANGER
Everything I ever dreamed of xx. Love Mummy
The Hope You Washed Your Hands Before You Made Our Dinner Award goes to...
LUCY
Dip me in your hommus?
And finally, it's a tie for the much coveted Too Much Information Award! Judges couldn't separate this year's winners....
MARNI
I love your landscaped yard. JS
MUFF FACE
Good times by the Yarra RIP. Love you, Pig Snorter
Happy birthday to you.
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Happy birthday to Philip,
Happy birthday to you.
Philip Glass turned 75 on January 31st.
Here's a great piece by Alex Ross about his new symphony and an upcoming world tour of Einstein on the Beach.
Then, during “Dance 1,” as the music fell into a furiously pulsing
polymetrical scheme and Lucinda Childs’s dancers darted about like
limber androids, the bliss kicked in. It was a feeling of abstract
intellectual delight, a pure interplay of musical and physical motion.
I get those thrills too.
Especially since the Walkman and ipod, we pin music to the times and places we listen to it.
And now when I hear Einstein I think of the time last year I listened to it on a Shinkansen from Hiroshima to Osaka. Some of you might think it was an obvious music nerd's choice. Well, I did. I might be typing into a blogging website right now, but really, I'm back looking out the window from a train speeding so smoothly at 280km/h with Glass's music traveling even faster. A thousand holiday snaps couldn't go near capturing it. Just play the CD and I'm back.
