Friday, June 29, 2007

It Could Have Happened To Anyone

So I'm out on the turps with me workmates and we find ourselves at Bar 20. Hard on the piss, it's getting towards one and most of them go soft and reckon it's time to go cos we've all got to go to Queensland in the morning. Soft cocks, fuck 'em. So I'm staying with one or two guys from one of our enemy companies, talking shop and getting hard on it.

20's fucked. Alright, let's go to Spearmint Rhino. And we get there and there's a few friends of friends around and everyone seems to know us and shit, these Jager Bombs are going down well. Real well. And there's two big bastards who reckon they know us. I'm not complaining cos they know the strippers too and besides there's drinks being shoved in my hands from all angles. Private room? Whatever. I'm getting tired now. Gotta get to the airport early in a few hours.

So the funny bastard big blokes reckon they're going to kick on somewhere else and they'd drop me off on the way and we get into his black Merc and fuck, how fast is he driving. I've had too much and nah, I gotta get home sorry mate all right just one at yer mates' place but I gotta get back. Mate's place is a fucking dragon's lair. Compound. Big get fucked fence, razor ribbon the works.

And then things really get out of hand.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I'm Free!

Blog Rating

This blog rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* fuck (5x)
* hell (3x)
* pussy (2x)
* kill (1x)

In Miss Slocum's honor, here's another pussy.

As you were.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

MySpearch: Researching Entirely By MySpace

MySpearch: to research a newspaper character profile/biography almost entirely based on the subject's MySpace page. Especially useful technique for researching the teen aged.

Bold assumptions on subject's character can be printed with impunity.
She says she loves any music and lists her favourite movies as The Sound of Music, Drop Dead Fred and Wayne's World and expresses an interest in porn.

"Had to curb my addiction to that! You don't meet many chicks with a porn addiction, do you? (link)

Similar assumptions can be made about the subject's list of MySpace "friends" and musical tastes.

Photos do not need to be cleared for permission by subject while he or she is dead or in a coma.

Another page for lazy journos to hit when they're done with Google and Wikipedia.

Party girls' world collided with violence.
Police investigate MySpace 'RIP'

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Shooter, The Cop Shop And The Shark

So Christopher Wayne "The Shooter" Hudson turned himself into the Wallan Police Station this afternoon.

One minute you're a Hells Angel shooter on the run and the next, you're a contemporary, double brick police station, complete with Officer in Charge administration area, interview room, unisex shower and toilet, kitchen, property store, lock-up garage and suspect toilet.

Hudson has a suspect toilet.

Better call a plumber in.

I've been helping police with their inquiries all week by investigating the tangled web of friends and friends of friends on the girl who was shot, Kara Douglas by checking out her MySpace page.

That's what makes good research (MySpearch, if you will), if you're a newspaper journalist right now. Why bother talking to family, friends and ex school teachers when you've got Google and MySpace?

I was easily sidetracked.

Two or three links from Ms Douglas' page and I bump into a bunch of tough looking fellas from the Gold Coast.

My favorite and a bloke I now include as one of my closest MySpace friends is the popular, self-made millionaire (Occupation according to his page, "Loan shark - Hit Man"), Tim Shark.

Pacific Islander, Sharky owns Porsches, Ferraris, Lamborghinis, lots of Harleys and looks like a condom full of walnuts. FRICKEN HUGE, BRO!

Here's his inspirational biography lifted straight from his MySpace page:
I don’t know my parents.. my mum dumped me just after birth so I grew up living in orphanages... but I would keep running away from the orphanages and living on the streets..... but im happy... I was told by my grandmother that my mum was booked in for an abortion,,, She turned up at the hospital drunk and the doctors wouldn't perform it........ Hey Mum,,, if your reading this....Sucked in you fucking bitch !!!! Anyway,,,Fuck my parents.... i am a Self Made,,, hard ass,,, son of a bitch...... I like fast cars,,, Harley Davidson's,,,heavy metal music and making lots of money.... i like pissing off society going against the grain.... i like rocking up to fancy ass bullshit silver service restaurants in my Lamborghini or Ferrari wearing a t-shirt, baseball cap & camo shorts.... i like bashing the fuck out of people who are cruel to animals.... i like to control a room, not just be in a room..... i like wearing gold, Diamonds, Rolex watches & Louis Vuitton.... i like sending my high school headmaster Christmas cards saying "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE I MADE IT"
Now it's your turn to do some MySpearch. Meet some of his MySpace friends, do some Googling, check out the newspaper reports and court transcripts and you'll find out one thing.

He means every word.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

M&N Scrabblefest Grand Final Day

Apparently I'm the 'Scrabble Wizard'.
tabula rasa said 3 days ago:

It's on! The Melbourne final will be held in Cobra (upstairs at the Tote) on Thursday 14th with a "kickoff" between 7 & 7:30pm. All those interested are most welcome to attend. Will the newcomer (me) be able to take on the Scrabble wizard? Be there to find out!

Come and watch me play the Melbourne Final of the Mess & Noise '07 Scrabblefest. Win tonight and I'm off to Sydney to play a bloke called Hillsonghoods to win the whole thing.

The pundits hyped and feared me from early on in the two month competition. Admittedly I've had an easy run and yes, I've probably played more scrabs than most people in the comp but I could pick up three U's and four I's in my first go.

Anyway, I've heard this Tabula Rasa bloke has stupidly resilient concentration, and from our negotiations over time and venue it's become apparent he's into boardgames in a big way.

Tote tonight.

There will be a crowd.

My cheersquad won the toss and will be barracking from the Victoria Park end of the Cobra Bar.

Lazy bastards couldn't be arsed making a banner.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

In No Uncertain Terms You Are Not Welcome In The Rooms After The Game Mr White Maggot

One of my favorite weekly reads is the tribunal hearings report in the VAFA's The Amateur Footballer.

This week's bombshell involves my club, The Bloods.

We were charged with conduct unbecoming during their senior match against Collegians on Saturday May 26, 2007 at McKinnon.

The specific charges are as follows:
1. That during the first half of the match abuse was allegedly directed towards the umpires from a spectator on the far wing.

2. That players no. 17, Kynan Ford and no.9, Matthew Brewer, allegedly told the umpires in no uncertain terms that they were not welcome in the social rooms.
Charges proven. Club fined $100. Players Ford and Brewer placed on $100 bond on the condtioin they do not offend again.

The Bloods apologised to umpires.

In a stunning development, Fordy was sent off in today's game against Old Brighton half way through the last quarter for uttering an "audible obscenity".

Monday, June 04, 2007

Mad Skillz World Cup 2007

Our representative from the USA, Dan Dzoan with his world record, 17.9 second, one-handed Rubik's Cube solve. Later in the day Dan missed out on breaking the Razzle Dazzle endorsed, one-handed newspaper scrunching world record by less than a second.

From Japan, Bob McKenzie and Harry Fitzpatrick and their unforgettable rally in the 1993 Fukuoka Regionals semi final. I was there and boy, it was a terrific game.

Sweden's Niclas Ceder banging home an almost perfect 99.75 per cent on the stupidly hard Uber Rave DDR machine. Niclas lists the Nicholas Brothers, Glynn Nicholas and Saint Nicholas as the four blokes he'd love to invite to his bungalow for a dinner party.

"Ordemmysanchuabake! Ordemmysanchuabake! Ordemmysanchuabake!" were the cries from the commentator when Japan's Terrance McPhee succeeded in his world record trampoline basketball dunk.

South Korea's Aichi Jones spins around 89280 degrees on his head. Jones advises that to keep from getting dizzy it's best to close your eyes and think intently of puppy dogs wearing silly hats.

And the winner is....

Australia and Macedonia's Peter Daicos!

Daics can do all the crazy stuff the other competitors from Japan, USA, Sweden and South Korea do, but every time he goes to upload his trick videos to YouTube, he finds his kids have yet again exceeded the family's monthly internet bandwidth limit.