Monday, September 26, 2016

Brownlow 16: I'm Packing It In. Dangerfield Wins The Brownlow (I assume).

Patrick Dangerfield, best dressed Brownlow winner since Greame Teasdale
Gil doing the slow read for drama. Too late dude. Just when we settle in, there's another ad break filled with beer, sports vitamins and betting ads. Then a Friday Front Bar thing which otherwise would be amusing but it's after 10pm and we have shitloads more votes to count.

Round 15 read by Merv Hughes. At last we're back. I don't know if I want to keep doing this. But I started. I do it every year. Bont gets one to move to 11. Parker shares the lead with Dangerfield. This could actually get exciting if they let it happen.


For fuck's sake. 

I'm thinking of turning it in. 

It's that tedious.

Denis Commeti tribute. 





Round 16 and its 10:20pm. I shit you not. Dangerfield only ahead by one vote. Bont gets a vote so this means we need to interview him. Gosh. 

Round 17 montage is read by Guy Sebastian. Gil reading fast. He's the only one who wants to get it done. No votes to Parker who stays on 20. Dustin Martin moves to 19. Dangerfield boringly goes onto 24. I have a strange feeling we're going to an ad break.

Round 18. I nodded off during the montage. Dustin Martin is equal second on votes and drink count. 

Round 19 read by the guy from Eskimo Joe. It's 1999 night at the casino tonight. No votes to Parker. Dangerfield moves to 28. That's 8 ahead with 4 rounds to go. 

If we go to an ad break, I'm going to bed. 


That's it. 

I've had enough. 

I'm off to bed.

If you stay up to the end, look for the Tobin Bros or John Allison Monkhouse in the closing credits.

I assume Patrick Dangerfield wins it. 

Brownlow 16: I'm Starting To Question It All.

When we question the Brownlow, we question our existence.
Back to typing after Alex Lloyd singing his Amazing song to a montage of retirees.

Is this a wake?

Is anyone still awake?

Tonight is the dullest production I can remember. It's so drab and earnest. No colour. No movement. Barely any cringe. I'm even bored. I NEVER GET BORED ON BROWNLOW NIGHT. What has happened to me?


Am I?

I'm starting to question everything.

Back to reading votes. Round 12 and Bont moves to 10. Parker no votes stays on 14. Dustin Martin moves to 11. Dangerfield moves to the lead on 17. He had 47 possessions that day. But you can only get 3 votes a game.

Round 13 read by Mick Molloy. Luke Parker still getting shitloads of votes.

Cut to a tribute to Paul Couch.


Tonight's Brownlow is a wake.

Brownlow 16: Molly Was Just On And Contrary To Popular Thought, Dangerfield Hasn't Won Yet.

Round 8 read by a jockey who was banned once for betting against a rival horse. This gambling thing has taken hold of the Brownlow. I'm too annoyed to say anything more about the round.

Round 9 read by MOLLY. Phew. A good bloke to get me happy again. Pies beat Geelong that week. It was amazing. One of the year's only highlights. Get my first look at Cotchin's hair. It's lovely and fluffy. Luke Parker onto the lead with 15 votes over Dangerfield's 14.

Round 10 Cyril get s his 4th vote. No change to the top few votes. All the pundits are wrong so far about Dangerfield winning it before the halfway mark of the season. They make this mistake EVERY YEAR. It's hilarious.

Brownlow 16: Tim Rogers Was Just On.

Round 4 and 5. It's a drab affair. No vibe. Nobody is drunk. You can cut the tedium with a knife. It's so quiet in there, you can almost hear the rain hitting the casino roof. We need some entertainment on stage stat. Alyssa Camplin, pies board member, Olympian reads the montage. She's good. ANZAC Day round. Dangerfield on 8. Parker on 10. According to the TV, Dangerfield is best on ground for pretty much every game from now on.

Montage of old players. A bunch of 300, 350 and 400 something game players. Then it fades out to a talent show ad. The biggest noise I've heard on my TV for 20 minutes.

There's a responsible gambling ad followed by a horse racing carnival ad followed an ad for savoury shapes. The crosses to the gambling houses will be on a bit later. We live in a strange, inconsistent world.

Round 6 read by Kokkinakis, the tennis player. Dangerfield on 11. Luke Parker leading with 13. He had a great year. I love it when the votes don't go the way all the experts predicted.

Round 7 read by footy's second voiceover voice after that guy you hear at the footy all the time, TIM ROGERS. Best job so far. So much pizazz with Berlin Chair in the background. If I was producing this thing there would be more of that. Dangerfield on 14.

Cut to a betting shill talking odds. Didn't take long to shit all over that responsible gambling ad from the last ad break.

Brownlow 16: Let the Votes Begin And Of Course, Greame Teasdale's Suit

Geez, it just started. No arsing about*. Just straight into the votes. No montages. No bullshit. Just straight to the counting. Strange television.

Then after the first round of votes there's an interview with Greame Teasdale ABOUT THAT SUIT.

He seems a bit annoyed about 'that stinking brown suit'. He shouldn't be. It was pure genius. I didn't think I'd be talking about the suit this early. Geez, channel seven. Peaking too early. It's not even 8:30.

Round 2: Eddie Betts gets 2 votes and Cyril gets 1. In my world of beautiful footy, both would be favourites for tonight but you know, mid fielder medal and all that.

Round 3: They have members of the public reading the montages. Bringing it back to the fans or whatever. Usually they have old previous winners or Nobel laureates reading it but this year, it's people. Dunno if it's going to work. Dangerfield on 6 votes. Aaron Hall on an amazing 9 votes.

*Chucking a brown eye became illegal today.

Brownlow 16: Two Sports Casters Walk Onto A Basketball Court

So two channel 7 sports casters walk into a Peter Jackson suit shop to get some suits. It's gripping television. On the way home they play a game of basketball in their suits. Then they go skateboarding in their suits. Then they go to a work site in their suits. Then they go out to chop some wood in their suits. And then everyone who was subjected to their skit started to weep. All of Australia, weeping.

Then we go back to the red carpet. Marc Murphy's partner is talking a lot about her get up. Everyone watching has stopped with their weeping. Whatever she's saying isn't sinking in. It's what she's wearing. You'll see it a lot in the next few days. I won't describe it.

Pendles and Alex Pendles are talking about something or rather. I'm already in a daze. 

Thank Christ. The Red Carpet is over. Let's get on with it.

Brownlow 15: Let's Do This Thing.

Brownlow live blog HQ.
I'm doing it again.

Typing along to the Brownlow like I always do.


I can't resist. 

I was just doing the dishes and thought, "Why on earth do I do this? Is it for the fame? Is it because I like typing fast? Is it because of habit? Should I take this watch off when I do the dishes? What is the point of an Apple watch? Only 7,000 steps? etc"

The real answer is you, the viewers. 

No. I lie. 

The real answer is that it winds Lucy up. I love what it does to her. She will say, "Why do they televise this? It's just a bloke reading names!" several times through the evening. Actually, she's organised to go out for an hour to get away from it. But she should know that the Brownlow, Football's Night Of Nights will still be motoring on until 4am because it never stops. 

So without further Erykah Badu, open the envelopes, it's time to get counting!