Wednesday, September 28, 2011

From Today's Age.

From Suzanne Carbone's Postcode 3000 column on the back page.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Brownlow 2011: Dane Swan - The People's Brownlow Winner

I love Dane Swan and I think he's about to win the Brownlow. Let's see. Round 23 and he's up by 6 from Dal Santo. Dal Santo needs two B.O.Gs. And he only gets two votes. Swannie gets 2 and WINS THE BROWNLOW.

This is great. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just dance around the house in my tracky dacks.

34 votes. The highest number of votes ever.

In the interview he's calling Bruce, 'mate'. Mick Malthouse looks really proud. He met his girlfriend, Taylor in a bar, he tells Bruce. "Yeah, no, she's good. She's lovely."

Now he's talking about his friendship with Chris Tarrant. So good. It looked like there was a tear in his eye. Then Bruce changes the subject. Dane, anyone you want to thank? "Oh yeah, we'll give it a go." His formal speech is quite funny. You can see he's trying to keep a lid on it.

Great work Dane.

Surely one of the best players I've ever seen.

Brownlow 2011: Judd Might Steal This. No He Won't!

So Judd's on 23 now. And Mitchell is on 30. Dal Santo on 26. But Swan on 29.

Okay. This is getting awkward. Bruce should have referred to the Mitchell situation as 'the elephant on the field'.

Round 22. Judd needs a vote... And he doesn't get it. He won't win the Brownlow because he's 6 behind. Phew. Go Swannie... 3 votes!!!! Outright lead on 32. Two rounds to go. I don't think he can be beaten.

Brownlow 2011: Swan 45 Touches. Let's See What Happens.

So do you get three votes when you have 45 touches? Let's see. Waiting for the votes. Waiting.. Waiting... Judd moves to 17. Waiting... Mitchell onto 24. Ablett onto 19. Waiting... Dal Santo 24.... Waiting... Swan... 3 votes! And the lead on I think 24.

Round 20. I watched this Collingwood v Port 168 point win at the Rose. It was apparently the last time I'll have the mixed grill at the Rose because all my mates have finally pulled the pin on it. Judd catching up on 20. Demetrio struggled with T Mzungu. Was very funny. Swan on 26. Mitchell on 27. He can't win. This is already an equal record for an ineligible player.

Brownlow 2011: What The Judd?

Nice and short interview with Dane Swan. Dunno what he said. I think it was just words he said about football.

Round 17. Demetrio has slowed down. Ablett is catching up. Carlton v Collingwood. Swan gets one vote. Thomas two vote and JUDD GETS THREE. Um. We (Collingwood) won that. Umpires just did that to take the piss out of us. It's okay. Judd won't win. Swan still up by three votes. Just been pointed out on Twitter that Judd had 13 ineffective kicks that game.

Round 18. Goodes just got his 9th vote. Pundits so got it wrong. Was never going to happen. Judd on 16 now. Dal Santo is one behind Swan. Pendles 2 behind.

Bruce is losing his mind.

Brownlow 2011: Disaster Montage

Seven's colour voiceover guy, Neil Kearney. I hate his whining, patronising fucking voice.
Now for a montage tribute to football and natural disasters. With an Neil Kearney voice over. Sounds horrible doesn't it? Well, it's not too bad. But I'd rather they didn't do this stuff.

Hold on. They have a cute little Japanese man who survived the earthquake! Oh, look at him! he doesn't speak english! He's so cute! He has a Carlton jumper under his suit! Isn't footy fantastic to foreign cute people!

Fuck. So patronising.

Just get on with the votes.

Brownlow 2011: I'm Getting Excited

Round 15 and Dane Swan and Scott Pendlebury are up the top with Boyd and Murphy. This is great. Really great. But even better, Sam Mitchell is leading and can't win because he was suspended. At last Swan and Pendles getting the votes they deserve.

Where's Juddy?

Nowhere near the top.

And now a fat and balding bloke in shit suit trying to sell us a gambling addiction. Get out of my TV, fuckwit.

Brownlow 2011: Wear Brown, Not a Frown

Another montage. This one is past winners. My favorite is Graham Teasdale. Look at that suit. You do know it's brown. A very brown suit for the Brownlow. Oh, remember to wear a brown ribbon this Thursday to raise Finals Fever awareness. Because it's a very real problem.

Back to the votes. Pendles is on 16 at Round 13, three clear of the next eligible player. Two suspended Hawthorn players are two behind. Love to be in the Kennett household right now.

Hold on.

I think Bruce's lapels on his black suit are brown!

Brown lapels!

And now the dead star montage. Good blokes. Darryl Baldock. Bobby Davis. Alan Jeans. 

Brownlow 2011: Fast Forward a Few Rounds

Okay we're up to Round 10. I must have fallen asleep or something. Pendles and Swan are in the lead and Judd, the player Channel 7 did their stupid opening montage about, is nowhere near the lead. This is great. Reminds us all of the time the TV station did a big song and dance about Luke Darcy with camera crews in his family house and all sorts of contrived rubbish only to see Darcy get something like two votes.

Pendles is cruising ahead. I think he's going to win it. Seriously. This is great. What a day this could be. After a ridiculously stressful morning trying to get Grand Final tickets, I see Pendles win a Brownlows.

Brownlow 2011: Pendles Off to a Flyer

My wife comma Lucy keeps talking about how boring this awards night is. She wants to put on an awards night that out bores the Brownlows by having a bloke on stage just ranting random numbers for seven hours. I like the sound of it.

Round 3+4+Anzac Day. Pendles is off to a flyer. Gets another few votes. Dane Swan is doing okay too. Love to see them share it. If Demetrio doesn't slow down, he'll explode. I can't stand that Channel 7 voiceover guy called Neil Kearney.

And now for some more sexism talk by that Hamish guy and Rachel Finch about fashions. That's all it is really. Sexism. And it's not fun.

Brownlow 2011: Listen to Tom Hafey

Tom Hafey yesterday.
There's a vitamin ad with Tom Hafey in it. Tom Hafey is one of the best humans ever. Get me drunk one day and I'll tell you my Tom Hafey story. It's not dirty or scandalous or anything. It just goes on to prove that Tom Hafey is one of the best humans ever. So if Tom Hafey is endorsing a brand of vitamins, you better go out ASAP and buy a bottle.

Or you will die of scurvy.

Brownlow 2011: It Always Starts With An Annoying Montage

I hate how they start sports telecasts. This one has a bunch of old sport legends talking too close to the camera. They're all talking about winning a triple whatever they won. Channel 7 are already convinced it's Judd or Goodes cos they're going for their third. I'd rather not see Jeff Fenech on my TV again.

Okay, let's get this straight. I think Judd will win. I don't want him to win. I want Scott Pendlebury to win.

Round 1+2. We see footage of Kevin Rudd leaving game early and Andrew Krakouer kicking a ridiculous goal. Demetrio racing through the votes again. Swan, Pendles and Cox on 5 votes. Why does Demetrio have to be so fast every year? Just get rid of some of the filler betting ads and interviews with kids and we'll make it to the end before Wednesday.

Brownlow 2011: Blue Carpet 2 Electric Blue Boogaloo

Twigley is wearing something that is "Corn" colored. "Corn" could be mustard, dijonaisse or something else.

Oh, there's another girl in "Corn". Richo reckons she looks AMAZING. I think Richo has only one of those adjective things in his mind. That's okay. Glenn Ridge only had three adjectives. And he got away with it on TV for years.

And there's another girl in Isis attire. Isis is so in this Spring.

There's Sammy from Soho who can be blamed for at least 30 of the players' suits. You can spot a Sammy creation. They're the ones with the over the top lapels and stupid stitching on the shirts. Richo reckons Sammy's Amazing.

The commentators are going nuts for Sharrod Wellingham's girlf in an electric blue thing. Richo liked someone else's dress because it's "nice and sparkley".

The Fashion Pod has just been renamed The Rotisserie. And that's that.

Brownlow 2011: Blue Carpet of THE FUTURE

This is what we'll all be wearing IN THE FUTURE.
So already one of the presenters has called the Blue Carpet "The Grand Final For the Ladies" or something like that. Annoying stuff. There's a blue thing called the Fashion Pod that spins around for us to have a good look at the frocks. Producers reckon the Fashion Pod is innovative. But really, it's awkward.

I can't keep up with all the Melbourne designer names. I'm useless for this. There was one girl who told us that she took her dress from a show that happened during New York Fashion Week 2012.

That's right.

She found the light blue-ish/white-ish/pearl-ish whatever it was FROM THE FUTURE.

Nick Maxwell's partner runs a fashion blog. Her dress looks like it came from the costume department of Isis. Dane Swan's partner's dress, she tells us, has already one a fashion award. Dane doesn't look occupied.

I'm with you, Dane. This Blue Carpet thing is boring. Bring on the voting.

Brynne, in what you'll see plastered all over the papers for the next week, said a lot of words about some dodgy business her and her stupid looking husband are doing now. Richo replies with...."Um..AMAZING"

Now a really awkward interview with Demetrio and his wife on the Fashion Pod. While it's spinning. I want to be sick. I really want to be sick. On the Fashion Pod.

Monday, September 19, 2011

This Week's Mixtape.

This week I decided to put some loud songs together.

There's also a special appearance by some dirty old men I used to know.

Friday, September 16, 2011

5 Great TV Ads With Animals in Them


The aint a feeling like it in the world.

Come on feel the noise.

Come and say hello to Dave and Mabel.

Dog got me sausages!

Fellas Having Fun Skillfully

From training today.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Nightwatchman: Now With Sound!

Here's the first of perhaps many Nightwatchman radiolike show/podcasts. This one is a bunch of slow songs to should fit on one side of a D90. The best time to listen to it is late at night or during the day when you want to get some work done.

Maybe the next one will have me interviewing someone on it.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Back To The Cheese Platter I Go.

A cheese platter yesterday.
 Here's something I wrote a long time ago. It's still true.

Hey kids! Here's a little writing game I once had to play.

Write yourself a real short story starting with the sentence, “The rest as they say, is history,” and ending with, “My mother sat in the chair where she first saw the snake. My father lit a cigar.“

Here's what I came up with sometime last year....

“The rest as they say, is history.” And with that the screen switched to yet another fricken student film. Seven down and only another 54 to go. This was going to be one of the most tedious nights of my life.

If I need to tell you one thing its got to be this. Listen carefully. You might want to put this one away in your top drawer because you'll be needing this. No really. Stop. Write it down and put in your wallet next to the picture of your cat. This is important stuff.

When a friend asks you to come to their short film launch, do not EVER say yes. Open your excuses drawer and pull out the first thing you see.

“Thursday the 25th? Shit, sorry I've got a Scrabble tournament on that night.”


When Mandy asked I was like you. Anything to help a friend and their two and a half minute, Super 8 masterpiece.

How wrong.

Get to the theater foyer and there's a lot of mingling but nobody there I know. At least one of Mandy's friends, me, is there to lend support. My usual partner in these situations saves me again. The cheese and kabana platter. Mandy runs past.

“Hey Mandy. Excited about..” She keeps on going.

A guy in a scarf (they all wear scarves) says it's time to go in.

After a brief 17 minute speech the films start and they are all except for one with a talking turd, rubbish.

Seven Reservoir Dogs copies, 12 bad not good bad but bad, bad splatter films, 14 'art' pieces and 83 quirky skits later it was time for intermission. Back to the cheese platter I go.

This time Mandy walks by, despondent. The film hasn't come back from the printers. It may or may not be shown tonight. Her mobile rings. “That could be him, now.” She runs off. Shit. The platter's run out of pickled octopus.

Scarf guy announces that there's another 37 wonderful pieces of work to go and not to bring wine back into the theater. Now I'm stuffed.

The first film after the break started. Another bloody voice over.... “My mother sat in the chair where she first saw the snake. My father lit a cigar.”