Monday, September 20, 2010

Footy's Night Of Nights: The Winner's Interview

I hate Carlton.

I enjoy watching Judd play but I hate him because he plays for Carlton.

Quarterbrain doesn't ask questions. He just makes statements. He just talks and hopes. Lucky Judd knows what to do by now. Judd says footy is just make believe. He quotes Jim Stynes. Oh no, maybe I should be commentating this interview in verse. Judd is a smart bloke and a nice bloke. A very nice bloke.

But he plays for Carlton.

Dane Swan Needs Two BOGs To Tie. But He Still Gets To Dance At The Big Dance

R21 Here we go. Here we go. There's no way this is going to happen. I do like Dane's shirt. He looks over it. He wants to go home. Pendles steals the 3 votes. Judd wins the Brownlow.


R22 and Swan gets 1 vote. Ablett comes second in the Brownlow with 26. Judd wins on 30.


I'm furious too.

Footy's Night Of Nights: The Two Horse War Continues

R19. Judd is ahead by 2 votes in the "two horse war" with Dane Swan. Pendles gets two. Wellingham Sandwich gets 3. Swan is going to lose this war. Judd gets 3 votes. He's on 26.

R20 is another game where Swan was easily the BOG but there's other selfish players who will steal votes off him. Swan needs 3. Judd needs to do his hammy. At least I didn't bet on Swan this year. Ablett now on 22. Swan on 23. Not enough. Here we go. Judd to win. 3 votes. 6 ahead. Swan needs two BOGs.

Judd and Twigley leave the room before the ad break. Use your imagination as to what they're doing.

The Brownlow is A TWO HORSE WAR

No, really.

According to Andy Maher in his betting ad shill.

Footy's Night Of Nights: We're Almost There

R17 and Jobe Watson has come out of nowhere to 16. Judd moves onto 23. Ablett onto 17. Swan onto 21! Here he comes!

R18 Alan will get some votes. he's on 10. Played a ridiculous game. Matthew Boyd from Footscray is on 18. As usual you hear of Footscray players the first time on Brownlow night. Alan 1 vote. D Beams 2 votes................... Pendles 3 votes!

Steve Quarterbrain points out that Demetrio has done a good job, "maintaining the suspension".

Good, and while you're at it, Andrew can you have a look at me spark plugs?

Jack's Votes For Hot Footballers

When it comes to awesome manliness, my mate Jack is an authority.

Jack's votes for hot footballers?

C. Judd 1 vote
J. Bartel 2 votes
A. Didak 3 votes

I'm surprised Harry O'Brien didn't get a vote.

Footy's Night Of Nights: The Filler Doesn't End

The ads are long. The interviews are long. The montages are long. The sponsored betting interview touts are long. And then Demetrio speeds through reading the votes. There's no wonder we, the people, have complete and utter contempt for commercial tv stations.

R15 and Band of Horses do the montage music. There was a time I would've given a toss. Ah, Ben Cousins has his tongue out. He looks smashed. Well, no he doesn't. That's what you would expect a 'blogger' to say. Swan got votes.

R16 was the week when we, Collingwood killed St Kilda. I will be looking at the tapes later this week. Demetrio said Johncock. Daisy gets his third vote. Alan moves to 8 and Swan to 18. Demetrio is stalling for dramatic effect. How droll. More ads. I'm sure Channel Ten are teetering on the edge of plaing too many ads. Nothing happens if they do though.

Meanwhile On The Collingwood Table

Moments before they had to sit through the Tim Lane/Jim Stynes interview.

Footy's Night Of Nights: A Jim Stynes Montage Expressed In Verse

Yes they do it,
People will cry,
Voiceover man talks deep,
On Football's Night Of Nights,
His light has never dimmed,
To know Jim Stynes,
Is to expect,
Nothing less.

I don't think Jim,
Has any fear,
And if he does,
He can overcome it.
The Melbourne Football Club,
Had no idea,
What they had on,
Their hands.

Gary Lyon speaks humbly,
We know it's humble,
Because he's not wearing,
A suit.
Black hair tufts on a fellow champion's chest.

Jules Lund,
TV Presenter,
Knows Jim Stynes,
For Potential,
And appreciates,
In his case,
It was fostered.

What a good man,
What a great bloke,
What a giant,
Our Game.

Footy's Night Of Nights: Judd Will Win

In a canter. By ten lengths, by eight furlongs and any other betting cliches you can think of. Because tonight isn't about the ladies. It's about the betting ads. And about Dane Swan looking bored. Swan's coming back according to Quarterbrain but he would say that because he wants the twitterers to stay away from #qanda.

R11 Ablett hasn't had a vote for awhile. Swan moves onto 11. He's still behind by six.

R12. Ah remember the Geelong St Kilda fights game. I liked all that. There's not enough score updates. Everything's so fast. Still. Swan moves to 13. Ablett moves to 14. Judd pulls away to 19. Nobody in the crowd acting drunk. this is the worst Brownlow ever. Bruce McAvaney, I miss you

R13 Lots of StKilda players in double figures. Swan only one vote. Alan Didak moves to 5 votes. Nobody likes Alan. It's just not fair. Ablett gets nowt. Judd moves to 22. Leading by 8. Rigged.

Another montage. Really.

Footy's Night Of Nights: We're Back For Some Speed Reading and Another Montage

After 3 montages, an interview with an old bloke who talked about another old bloke calling him a poof we're back to the votes.

R10. I wasn't listening to round 9. During this round's montage we see the footage of the Richmond player getting his kenardleys crunched on the goalpost. Very entertaining. Judd is a long way ahead. Daisy Thomas just gets his first two votes. If he comes third I win $2,500. I don't think it's going to happen.

R11 and Judd is on 17 votes. This is rigged. Pendles is beating Swan. Ridiculous. Just because he looks relaxed in close doesn't mean he's put in a better game than Swan. Gawd, it's Jason McCartney's montage. Not a dry eye in the house. "Enough of the montages already," they cry.

My Thoughts On The Nick Davis Montage And Nick Davis As A Player And A Man

Can't stand the bloke.

Footy's Night Of Nights: All The Ads Are For Betting

If I was a ten year old watching this I would be stealing my parents' credit cards to open an online betting account. How do you feel about that, Demetrio? You've just made the child in me a gambling addict. With all these witty and compelling ads on, me, Glenn Jr is destined to cost my dad his house and retirement. Happy now? And now you're doing a montage on a Pies losing grand final. I'm depressed now and I want a bet. Lucky I've lost all my cash buying a Grand Final ticket.

Footy's Night Of Nights: The Brownlow Montage 17-19

There's a lot of wise arsing going on Twitter. Most of the jokes are about Brynne, Fev and after looking at it for a couple minutes didn't come close to a LOL. Twitter is all about the LOLs.

Now for a montage of little kids saying cute things apparently. I hate that stuff.

R6 and I'll listen carefully to the political voice over man. Dane Swan equal third with Barlow and a few others. Already the lack of beer in the room is making tonight a little stale to watch.

R7 Alan Didak just got 3 votes. Swan and Ablett are equal second. No, Judd has just hit the lead. Chris Judd, the man the AFL love. And so do the umpires. He gets so much time to get rid of the ball. So does Ablett. The umpires favor these two blokes. Dane won't win.

R8 Pendles just stole some votes off Swan. A Swallow got two votes. I didn't know that birds could play footy. They have no thumbs. Judd clear ahead on 15 votes. Five best on grounds in a row. Rigged. He's clear by 6 votes. Judd in a dud team could win this. Now to the montage machine.

Footy's Night Of Nights: The Brownlow Round 1-5

R1 and Demetrio is reading really fast. He sounds like how your mother would sound if she rang you on the set of The Muppets. Real fast. It was all a blur. I think Harry O'Brien got a vote and Garry Gary Ablett got a vote or something. I don't know but slow the fark down Mr Demmy Demmy Demetrio.

R2 and he's not getting any slower. He's got faster. I think Pendlebury got two votes. It's ridiculous. He talks so fast and then we get a montage. Well, we haven't got one yet but I think we'll have at least 90.

The betting ads and updates are skating close to the ethical edge.

R3 I missed. It was all a blur.

R4 Dane Swan onto 5 votes and so is GG Ablett. They're both behind someone on 9 votes. I'd tell you who it was but I couldn't understand a word.

R5 and he won't slow down. Pendles onto 7 votes. Sandilands on 12 and leading by a long way. The next is Jonathon Brown. Quarterbrain just made a joke apparently. And now for montage #1. Soemhting about best moments of the decade or some.ajfskkkkkkkkkkkk ....

I fell asleep at the keybored.

Footy's Night Of Nights: The Brownlow Intro

Here we go. It's Dane Swan's night. Ball magnet with lots of tatts. Every year I put money on him to win or place and every year I lose my cash. They've singled him out for his own entry onto stage with Gary Garry Ablett. JINX. Who could forget when they talked up Luke Darcy crazy like a few weeks ago. He barely got a vote.

The world was embarrassed.

Almost as embarrassed as we're going to be for the rest of our lives for when Edelsten's broad walks in with her breasts akimbo.

Steve Quarterbrain is hosting. That's going to be entertaining for youse reading this because I don't like him much. Not much at all.

Did I watch the "Blue Carpet"? No, it was boring because Footy's Night Of Nights isn't about the bad dresses and tits. It's about the players. It's about Dane Swan. I hope.