One third of the 60 tested registered a blood alcohol reading that exceeded the 0.05 legal driving limit with the highest reading of 0.164.
Of course the paper enlisted an outraged, dial-a-quote-academic, Melbourne Uni's professor of global health, Rob Moodie.
Aw, fuck off.
"(The statistics) show the ubiquity of alcohol in our society and the fact that it's getting worse rather than better," he said.
"I'm a little surprised by it, that people need to be fuelled up to go to the footy."
We don't 'need' to be 'fuelled up' to go to the footy. We just prefer it.
But the professor gets even more stupidistic.
"The social culture of the footy is something we want to keep. That's why venues need processes about how they sell and distribute alcohol.
"You want to keep your alcohol consumption moderate so you can remember the game and enjoy it."
The paper would have got themselves a bigger scoop if they tested fans on the way out of the ground as it was almost impossible to get a full strength beer at the ground on the night.
The little members bar we usually get a cheeky Melbourne stubbie at half time was only serving mid-strength out of the one tap.
As charming as young Claudia, the girl who was pouring the beers was, she couldn't keep up with the demand of a queue running out the door into the next bar.
The biggest outrage is not that fans drink somewhere else before the game. No wonder they do. Instead the scandal is that if the game is on at night adults can't be trusted to drink full strength beer while watching the game.
Enough of the paternalistic, greedy (mid-strength costs the same as full) and class bias (While the public and season ticket holders have no access to it, members get full strength at their own bars and corporate box whores get to drink all the bogue piss they can handle).
This class bias is the most despicable.
Luckily democracy, justice and common sense is championed by Don Owen, 28, of Mooroolbark, who was pleased with his 0.098 reading, which he described as "grouse".
"You've got to be good at something." Cheers, Don!